I received an interesting e-mail last week which I initially disregarded but couldn’t stop thinking about. It was a beginner screenwriter who said he’d been reading my site and others for the last three months in order to learn everything possible about screenwriting so that he could write a great screenplay his first time out. He wanted to know my thoughts on if that was possible.

If you’ve been screenwriting for any length of time, you’ve heard the old coda that your first script is going to be terrible. And, actually, that your first five scripts are going to be bad. My experience with this statement has been that it’s true. Screenwriting is a deceptively difficult skill to learn. It looks easy because you don’t have to write as many words as a novel. And everyone assumes that if they love movies, they can also write them.

What these people eventually find out is that there’s a mathematical component to screenwriting (seeing as movies need to be 2 hours long) that must be effortlessly intertwined with a creative side of screenwriting, and mixing these two elements naturally is challenging. And when you really get down in the trenches, you learn that a reader’s attention span is way shorter than you think it is. Which is why most people reading your script won’t even give you the courtesy of reading past page 1. Look no further than Amateur Showdown for that.

But I tried to look at this question from a unique point of view – one might say, a movie concept point of view. I’m given a classroom of 30 people who have never written a screenplay before. ONE of these writers MUST sell a screenplay within the next six months or I’m dropped in a vat of acid by the evil screenwriting super-villain, Juan Augustian. What would I tell these writers in order to best give myself a chance to live? Or maybe the more interesting question would be, do I think there’s any chance at all that I would live?

I’m going to wait til the end of this post to answer that question. And, in the meantime, I’m going to tell you what I would tell those 30 aspiring screenwriters.

The first thing you need to do is read five produced screenplays cover-to-cover, five purchased but not yet produced screenplays cover-to-cover, and five amateur screenplays cover-to-cover. This is mainly to familiarize yourself with the screenwriting format and to compare the differences between amateur and professional work. But also, it’s to track when the story has you captivated and when you’re bored. You want to write down, in detail, why you believe you’re feeling this way.

Say you’re on page 20 and you’re bored. Why. Is it because nothing exciting has happened yet? Or is it because you don’t like something about the main character? If so, what don’t you like about them? The more detail, the better. Are they a sad sack? Are they passive, always allowing life to dictate their actions? By doing this, you’re creating a roadmap for what to avoid when you’re writing your own hero.

I should note that most amateur screenwriters have never read five amateur screenplays cover to cover. Which is sad. It wasn’t until I started reading amateur screenplays that I realized how many of these terrible mistakes I was making in my own scripts. Honestly, it’s like seeing the Matrix of Screenwriting. The green code disappears and is replaced by total clarity. I would even encourage writers to read more than five amateur scripts. But you should read at least five.

After you’ve read all your screenplays, it’s time to come up with a concept. This is probably the most important thing you’ll do. Not just because a good concept gets people’s attention. But because a good concept gives your script a framework whereby it’s easier to write good scenes. Say you like dinosaurs. Well, the concept of visiting a dinosaur island in modern day has more potential than a concept about a paleontologist who’s trying to prove his theory that dinosaurs were almost as smart as humans. There’s a very specific reason for this. In the first example, you can imagine tons of good scenes. In the second, all the scenes you’re imagining revolve around research and writing and conversations with other people. Which means you’re going to have to move mountains to come up with entertaining scenarios. You’re writing a MOVIE so you want an idea that gets people imagining a great movie.

Next up, keep things as simple as possible. One of the hardest things for new writers to manage is too many characters and too much plot. You can see them struggling right there on the page as you’re reading it. To avoid this problem, keep your story simple so you have a reasonable chance of staying in control. No complicated timelines. No overwhelming character counts. No jumping to 50 different locations throughout the story. You want a story that’s manageable.

Now I want to be reasonable here. Every good story has one element that’s troublesome. For example, 500 Days of Summer. It jumps around in time a lot, which is something I’d ordinarily steer a new screenwriter away from. However, that’s what makes the concept fun. So you have to bend somewhere. But make sure that troublesome component is the only troublesome component. You’ll note that 500 Days of Summer, outside of the jumping around, is about two characters in a relationship and that’s it. So it’s still manageable. If the writers would’ve added four other relationships that were also jumping around, the script would’ve imploded.

An ideal concept for a first time writer would be something like Murder on the Orient Express. Yes, it has a fairly large character count. But it’s high concept and it takes place in a contained setting – a train. Also, the story engine does a lot of the work for you – someone’s been murdered and they need to figure out who the murderer is. When you have crystal clear concept like that, it’s easier to write the characters since you know what everybody is trying to do (solve the murder).

The next thing I would do is try to come up with a really interesting main character or secondary character. A great character is a screenwriter’s best deodorant against a sub-par story. That’s because if you write an interesting character, we’ll want to watch them through anything. They become the focus of our interest. Not so much the plot. Think Joker. Think Monster. Think Nightcrawler. Think Venom. Think Lizbeth Salender. Think Fight Club. As much as I gushed over “Yesterday” in the newsletter, one of the things that held it back from being great is the fact that all the characters were safe and normal. There wasn’t anybody truly interesting.

And I’ll make you this guarantee right now. If you have a good concept and an interesting main or secondary character, you will sell your script. Cause those are the two big ones. A producer’s eyes will light up because they know the movie is both marketable and can fetch a great actor.

A few of you may be calling me out on that. “Oh sure, Carson. I’ll just write an all-time great movie character. Awesome advice. I never thought of that.” Fair play. Seasoned screenwriters know that creating strong characters is one of the hardest things about screenwriting. So here’s a hack specifically designed for the new screenwriter. Think of someone you know personally, or who you’ve met in your life, who you’d consider an extremely interesting person. Then use them as the inspiration for your character. We’ve all met some wild people. Why not capitalize on that? Put them in a movie! It’s not as good as creating the character from the inside out, but it’s way better than some plain average Joe.

Finally, come up with an idea that does the work for you. That means give your character a clear goal. Make sure the goal has major consequences attached to it. And make sure there’s some immediacy to the story – what needs to happen needs to happen NOW. Not in three years, not in three months, not even in three weeks. Now! If you create a framework that follows these rules, your hero will always have something to do. “Nightcrawler” is a good example. Louis Bloom wants to become the best nightcrawler in the business. When you have a goal that’s this clearly stated, you’re never going to be confused about what happens next, because you only have to ask yourself one question: “What does Louis Bloom need to do to get closer to his goal?” That’s what I mean by coming up with a concept that does the work for you.

Do I think it’s possible to write a great screenplay the first time out? If you follow these rules and you have some real talent? You have a chance. It’s a small chance. Probably around 2-3%. But it’s better than every other beginner’s chance, which is somewhere around .00000001%. So it CAN be done. Will you do it? Let’s find out!

Genre: Drama
Premise: A young woman gets a job at an investment firm where she’s the only African-American at the company.
About: This script made last year’s Black List, finishing with 7 votes. The writer, Meredith Dawson, wrote on Mindy Kaling’s Hulu adaptation of Four Weddings and a Funeral. She also wrote one episode of The Mindy Project 2 years earlier.
Writer: Meredith Dawson
Details: 107 pages

Aja Naomi King for Naomi?

What I was hoping for when I opened this script was something akin to a workplace “Get Out.” Not only would that be a great pitch, but it’d probably make a good movie. If a friend told me, “You have to see this movie. It’s like Get Out, the New Girl at Work version,” I’d throw that in the Netflix queue right away.

Unfortunately, that’s not what we get. And I’m trying not to hold that against the script. One of the first lessons they teach you in review school is to review the movie you saw, not the movie you wish they’d made. I’m not sure that applies as much on a screenwriting site because sometimes the best way to explain something is to show how you could’ve done it better. And there’s a lot here I think they could’ve done better. Let’s take a look.

Naomi is a 27 year old African-American recent graduate of Stanford Business School who watches way too much Frasier on Netflix. On the night of her graduation, she hooks up with a gorgeous bearded white guy named Ben (page 9). The two are going their separate ways in life, however, so after they sleep together, they don’t talk again.

Naomi then starts her job at Harvey, Larter, and Saw, a venture capitalist firm where she quickly finds out that she’s the only African-American there. No worries. Naomi is used to this dynamic. But what she isn’t used to is when GUESS WHO shows up to team with her on her first job? That’s right, Ben (page 26). It turns out he works here as well!

Despite her attempts to keep her private life separated from her career, Naomi can’t help but fall into a steamy relationship with the sexy Ben. But Naomi’s beta-male co-worker, Nick, who secretly loves her, warns Naomi that Ben is bad. “How?” She asks. Nick says he knows these things and just has a feeling.

Noami and Nick put together a proposal for a new company to finance but Naomi’s boss, Iyana, flippantly rejects it. Weeks later, during a big company party, Naomi is shocked to see that Ben has brought a date. But not just any date. His girlfriend of six years (page 62)! Needless to say, Ben and Naomi’s relationship sours quickly.

But it gets worse. Ben tells Iyana she should invest in the same company Nick and Naomi liked, and this time Iyana likes the idea. So much so that she puts Ben in charge. Naomi asks Iyana what’s up and she says Ben was just more convincing.

Later, Naomi goes to a business dinner meeting with a client they’re trying to sign, an older man, and he puts his hand on her leg (page 88). Noami tells Iyana about it but Iyana does nothing. Disgusted with the way she’s been treated, Naomi decides to let the press know just how little her company cares about keeping women safe.

You’re probably wondering why I included page numbers in today’s summary. I did so for a specific reason. These are the only plot points in the script. By plot points I mean major plot developments that send the story in a new direction. Page 9, page 26, page 62, and page 88.

Four plot points for the entire movie doesn’t provide enough dramatic entertainment for an audience to stay invested. These are movies. They’re not real life, where it takes time for big things to happen. In movies big things need to happen consistently. We go nearly 40 pages between Ben’s arrival at the company and the reveal of Ben being in a relationship. And I would even argue that that’s B-story stuff. It shouldn’t even be the main plot.

Another issue is that there isn’t enough conflict. Conflict is the screenwriter’s best friend. You should always be looking for it. Your hero should be encountering obstacles and problems and issues from every direction. That’s what makes watching characters interesting, is seeing how they deal with the things that are thrown at them.

The first 60 pages of “Spark” is basically Naomi loving life, a party on the page, a 1 hour drive down Easy Street. That’s unacceptable in a feature screenplay. It also makes the ending weird. Because for 60-80 pages, this is a light soap opera. Girl meets guy. She falls for him. Turns out he’s in a relationship. So to then make the ending incredibly serious with major sexual misconduct allegations felt like it came out of nowhere. Had there been more conflict at work and had the tone been darker throughout, it might’ve worked. But in its current iteration, the final act felt like a different movie.

How would you fix a script like this? For starters, you have to understand the 3-Act structure. Something big needs to happen at the end of the first act. Something that sets the story in motion. Today’s writer made Naomi starting work the end of the first act. That’s not enough. It’s just continuing the good vibes. A seasoned writer would’ve gotten Naomi into work within the first five pages. And they would’ve had the sexual misconduct happen at the end of the first act. The movie, then, would be about dealing with the ramifications of what happened, trying to get someone to do something about it while, at the same time, trying to maintain your professionalism, your relationships, and your job. I haven’t read the Roger Aisles script that’s coming out but I can guarantee you the first instance of sexual misconduct isn’t going to happen on page 88. What this essentially means is that Spark has an 88 page first act. And that’s just not understanding screenplay structure.

There were other problems as well. 10-line paragraphs (this is one of the easiest ways to spot a new writer), a lack of clarity in the genre (is this a drama, rom-com, a dramedy?). All the business-speak consisted of buzz words and buzz acronyms minus the necessary specificity to connect it to the story (“But HEAL is puttering out high dividends for a company as young as it is AND we’re on track for FDA approval within the next year.”).

With that said, the writing itself was strong. Unlike that awful script I reviewed in the newsletter where I could barely get through a sentence, the prose was never overbearing and the writing was insanely easy to read, to the point where my eyes were shooting across the page and I never got lost.

But this script is not ready for primetime. There are too many Screenwriting 101 mistakes here. I was hoping for more.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: As a screenwriter, one of the things you have to be good at is getting a lot of story across quickly. Take the storyline of Naomi sleeping with Ben and then finding out he works with her. That took 26 pages here. In the Gray’s Anatomy pilot episode, they use the same storyline. And yet it took them less than 8 pages. And that was a TV show! Where they don’t even have to move fast. Whatever you think is the proper pacing for moving your plot along, it could probably move along faster.

This has to be one of the more eclectic group of scripts that have been featured on Amateur Showdown. We got something from every corner. We’ve got jihadi fighters, a slave horror flick, a dad-daughter comedy team-up, and a heist flick with a – stop the presses – original premise. Should be a fun weekend. In the meantime, I’ll be working on the end of the month Scriptshadow Newsletter. I’ll give you a quick teaser. I just saw THE WORST MOVIE OR TV IDEA EVER. I’m talking in the history of ideas. And it got made. And it’s coming out. I can’t contain how frustrated I am that someone actually made this. But to find out what it is, you’ll have to wait for the newsletter. If you want to sign up for the newsletter, e-mail carsonreeves1@gmail.com with the subject line: “NEWSLETTER” and I’ll make sure you get it.

Amateur Showdown is a single weekend tournament where the scripts have been vetted from a pile of hundreds to be featured here, for your entertainment. It’s up to you to read as much of each script as you can, then vote for your favorite in the comments section. Whoever receives the most votes by Sunday 11:59pm Pacific Time gets a review next Friday.

Got a great script that you believe can pummel four fellow amateur scripts? Send a PDF to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the title, genre, logline, and why you think your script should get a shot.

Good luck, everyone!

Title: THE BLACK PETREL
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Logline: A frustrated novelist goes to an old Southern hotel looking for inspiration and finds herself trapped in a nightmare with five strangers and a vengeful ex-slave.
Who am I: A writer trying to feed a hungry audience something delicious.
Why You Should Read: If GET OUT and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET got pregnant listening to a Nina Simone song, this is the baby that would pop out.

Title: SINJAR
Genre: Action / War / Thriller
Logline: A foreign aid doctor enlists the help of a unique unit to rescue her fellow captives and escape through the Islamic State, pursued by a ruthless zealot and a horde of jihadi fighters.
Why Should You Read: “Sinjar” is an adrenaline-soaked feature depicting the realities of conflict in the Middle-East, in particular, the attempted genocide of the Yazidi during the summer of 2014. Imbued in this story are my own experiences of war, terrorists, and the land of Kurdistan…
Blacklist: “nonstop, action-driven thriller that can rival any other shoot-em-up war movie, but what makes it special is the depth of the story that it reveals beyond the set pieces. More than your average action flick, this script digs offers themes and commentary that dig at the heart of the conflict in the Middle East: the history, socioeconomic challenges, and cultural divides that have created that quagmire. It asks poignant questions about the consequences of military conflict, and follows those questions up with real answers from a real, specific point of view.”

Wescreenplay: Consider 8/10

Various: “The writer of this work has crafted a visceral, unrelenting narrative” “a kinetic blast of entertainment.” “the action in these pages is stellar.” “a fast-paced blistering thrill ride.”

Title: Good Blood
Genre: Action-Comedy
Premise: An inexperienced female agent must team up with her overprotective father to stop a bunch of armed yokels from overthrowing the government.
Why You Should Read: It’s a girl-with-a-gun action-comedy featuring a male-female buddy dynamic. In other words, three trends that Carson recommended for comedy scripts. The script has been through a number of drafts, so it should be tighter than my a&$#&le before my girlfriend pegs me.
Writer: Anonymous… for now (Just like Carson was).

Title: Money to Burn
Genre: Heist
Logline: A terminally-ill architect with a troubled past is recruited by a group of would-be thieves who plan to steal $70 million from a government facility that burns retired currency.
Why You Should Read: Money to Burn looks at the American dream turned sour through the prism of real people in real situations. Money means food on the table, pure and simple. The heroes in Money to Burn are what society would label criminals, but they are not Ocean’s 11 style super-cool, super-gifted criminals, they are everyman types who made wrong decisions along the way. Money to Burn focuses on their humanity rather than their criminality. — Money to Burn has a traditional denouement, a major set-piece heist which ends with a unique robbery, but the story is really about how a group of sick, dying men and women learn to live and love while collectively facing their imminent end. It’s a story about a unique support group where you have to be dying to gain entry.

Title: Odyssey
Genre: Western/TV Pilot/Drama
Premise: A fierce pregnant widow makes a deal with a degenerate grave-robber to help her escort a herd of cattle across the Old West while the psychotic creditor that drove her husband to suicide and murdered her father stalks her across state-to-state, determined to make her pay up, or worse.
Why You Should Read: My bread-and-butter trademark is to take a tried and tested genre and write a new interpretation of old tropes. I think we all love westerns for the grizzled stares, the melodramatic music, and the collective fantasy of a lawless land. I do too. But I’m more interested in what the genre can do in the modern-day, not confined by what your Dad might like to watch on a sleepy Sunday afternoon. Odyssey is a pilot for a mini-series that honors what has already been done in the genre, but also takes it forward into new, exciting directions.

One of the most common e-mails I get is: “Hey Carson. I just saw that Deadline/Variety/Hollywood Reporter article about [Movie X]. Do you have the script? I’m writing a similar script and I want to make sure I’m not f&*%$.” I’ve gotten three of those e-mails just this week! Then I see a trailer for this movie called, “Sweetheart” and lookie what we have here. A woman gets stranded on an island with a monster. Does that sound familiar? Yeah, Bad Robot was developing the same exact film, titled, “Beast,” which I reviewed in my newsletter and was very much looking forward to.

This leads us to today’s question. What if you find out that the script you’ve been working on for the past five months is strikingly similar to another project? Should you give up? Most writers do. But I have news for you. Finding out there’s a project out there that’s similar to yours is a common occurrence in the industry. In fact, seasoned writers expect there to be similar projects announced while they’re writing scripts. The reason being, we’re not all as original as we think. Three years ago, I remember seeing five separate thriller scripts about hotel owner peeping toms who witness a murder.

So you discover there’s a project out there like yours. What do you do? First of all, you need to gather as much information as you can. Ideally, like the writers e-mailing me, you want to read the script. The more you know about their story, the more you can make sure your story is different. But often times, their script is nothing like yours. It’s actually rare that two people are executing a story in a similar way. But even if it has some similar story beats, don’t fret. The script actually isn’t the most important thing.

You need to find out how much juice is behind the project. Are they putting a RELEASE DATE behind this? Are they saying things like, “Production starts in two months?” Are they announcing cast members outside of the one or two leads? If it sounds like the studio is fast-tracking the project in any way, that’s trouble for you. Cause it means the movie is probably getting made.

However, if this is just something that a big director has attached themselves to. Or even a big director and a big actor, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Spielberg attached himself to Roboapocalypse. I’m still waiting for that one to come out. James Cameron and Guillermo Del Toro attached themselves to Mountains of Madness. That wasn’t playing at the Arclight last time I went there.

Back in the day, I’m talking early 2000s, I had this script that took place in the future and involved motorcycles. Then I read a big splashy Variety article about how they were making a live-action Akira, a movie that also took place in the future and revolved around motorcycles. Aww, man, I thought, I can’t write that script anymore and threw the idea in the trash. Well, 20 screenwriters and a dozen directors later, Warner Brothers still hasn’t made Akira.

What you have to remember about Hollywood is that it’s more likely that something doesn’t get made than gets made. So even if you hear about a similar project, you shouldn’t worry. Most projects get stuck in development. Development is a process whereby producers work with a writer to bring the script to a level that can attract talent and financing. Those things are hard to attract. And scripts are hard to write. So what usually happens is that the writer writes something “professional” that checks all the boxes, but is missing that je ne sais quoi.

Think about that for second. The writers and producers spent 6-9 months working meticulously on the script, hammering out all the issues, out only to find out, when it was all over, that it wasn’t any good. This is a momentum-destroyer and what often happens is whoever was attached to the movie moves on to another more exciting project, or puts this one on the back burner. The project gets placed into stasis until they decide to revive it and put some money towards hiring another writer and trying again. This process rinses and repeats and usually ends in failure. Which is kind of depressing when you’re thinking about it from the development side. But it’s good news if the project is similar to yours. Because it means you don’t have to worry about it.

This is why I tell amateur writers who find out another amateur writer has the same idea as them, “Dude, that is the last person you need to worry about.” The chances of an amateur script getting purchased and produced is small. So that’s not the writer you need to concern yourself with. If you learn that David Koepp is writing a similar idea, then yeah, you might need to put your worry boots on. But don’t worry about other amateur writers.

The only time you should worry about something is if they’ve already shot the film or it’s being fast-tracked by a major studio. I wouldn’t even be scared if you find a similar idea from an independent production company that’s already been produced. The industry has so much content right now that anything that doesn’t get a wide release or an Oscar push isn’t well-known. An A24 movie might make 1.5 million dollars at the box office. So if you have a similar idea to that film that’s larger in scope and therefore doesn’t cross over into that audience, you should be fine.

You want to know what matters most? It’s going to sound cliche but it’s true. Write a great script. Write complex scene-chewing characters. Come up with a plot that zigs and zags in ways the reader never expected. Focus on creating an emotional connection between your characters and the audience. Create two AMAZING scenes that nobody will be able to stop talking about.

Because even if you write something that’s too similar to another project, you’ll still have a script that demonstrates your talent. And this industry is more about interviewing for the next job than trying to sell your next screenplay. I know some writers who have used a single writing sample for going on ten years to get work. So focus on writing that great script and not panicking every two weeks when you hear that someone else has the same idea as you. Cause chances are, that’s the last thing that will get in the way of your script’s success.

Want proof? I know a recent script that had FOUR other similar concepts in various stages of development and production to compete against. And that script still sold. What script am I talking about? I can’t tell you yet. But hopefully I’ll be able to soon. :)

Yo, do you have a logline that isn’t working? Are those queries going out unanswered? Try out my logline service. It’s 25 bucks for a 1-10 rating, 150 word analysis, and a logline rewrite. I also have a deluxe service for 40 dollars that allows for unlimited e-mails back and forth where we tweak the logline until you’re satisfied. I consult on everything screenwriting related (first page, first ten pages, first act, outlines, and of course, full scripts). So if you’re interested in getting some quality feedback, e-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com with the subject line: “CONSULTATION” and I’ll get back to you right away!

Genre: Sports Drama
Premise: A former high school hoops star turned alcoholic is called upon to coach his former school’s basement-dwelling basketball team.
About: When all of “The Batman” controversy was going on (would Affleck still be the Batman? Did he want to be the Batman?), this is the movie Affleck decided to sign onto instead. It comes from long time spec shaman, Brad Ingelsby, who’s sold as many spec scripts as any writer this past decade.
Writer: Brad Ingelsby
Details: 124 pages

Well look at that. Just days after I pronounced the sports drama an express trip to Ignore E-mail Query Alley, I’m reviewing a sports drama that got Ben Affleck attached. What’s going on here? Well, for starters, it’s not so much a sports drama as it as a “Down-On-His-Luck Dude Coaches Kids” drama. If a formula has won over Hollywood before, it can do so again. At least that’s the industry mentality. Also, Ingelsby’s a writer with several produced credits and a reputation for writing some of the best spec scripts in town. In other words, there are extenuating circumstances.

Reading Affleck projects is always an inadvertent trip into his psyche. We know he has drinking problems. Today’s character has drinking problems. We know he loves sports. This is about sports. We know he loves that East Coast blue collar vibe, as that’s how he got famous (Good Will Hunting). I don’t know if all this was calculated by Ingelsby, but in retrospect it would’ve been more of a surprise had Affleck NOT signed on.

Just outside Philly, 30-something Jack Cunningham works construction, lives alone, and drinks on the daily. We get a good idea of what this man’s life is like when he strolls into a bar after work… on Thanksgiving. Problem with booze? Check.

But that’s not the only problem Jack’s got. He’s got a pushy sister who’s always nagging him about isolating himself and an ex-wife he still loves who’s just found herself a rich boyfriend. He’s also got another issue which we’ll find out about later.

One night Jack gets a call from Father Tierney at Bishop Hayes High School, where Jack used to go to school. Back then, Jack was one of the best high school basketball players in the nation. But that was a long time ago. Father Tierney tells Jack that the head coach position is vacant and he wants him to take it. Jack mulls it over and finally decides, why not?

On the first day of practice he realizes he’s got a pretty good team. They’re just not well-disciplined. When Jack starts instituting that secret ingredient, the team gets better. Unfortunately, Jack is slipping into the locker room every chance he gets to down a few beers. He just can’t get away from that sweet sweet Coor’s Light.

And then we learn why Jack’s an alcoholic and no longer with his wife. DEAD KID BACKSTORY. Yup, that rascally favored trope of overwrought dramas is back again. Jack’s son died when he was nine and it destroyed his life. So in addition to trying to get this team in order, Jack has to come to terms with the loss of his son and repair his broken relationship with his ex-wife. Who knows, maybe they’ll even get back together again.

Yes indeed. As you can tell from the sarcastic manner in which I summarized Dead Kid Backstory, I’m not a fan. In fact, when I sensed that we’d learn why Jack lost his wife and became an alcoholic, I kept repeating to myself, “Please don’t let it be a Dead Kid Backstory. Please don’t let it be a Dead Kid Backstory.”

Why do I hate Dead Kid Backstory so much? Because it’s the default go-to for bleak dramas about adults. I see it ALL THE TIME. And the only time it works is when there’s a genuine depth to it, when you know the person writing about it has a personal connection to the experience. And if it runs that deep, it’s usually too depressing. Nobody wins if your only choices are Too Cliche or Too Depressing. But I’m not going to harp on that. I’ve already rambled about DCB enough on the site.

Despite DCB, Ingelsby remains one of the best character writers in town. And you can see that from his character descriptions….

His older sister, BETH, 37, a feisty, stubborn homemaker. Annoyed at the moment that her younger brother is holding up the dinner she spent the entire day slaving over.

Her husband, KURT, 38, an innocuous, big-hearted family man who drinks his coffee out of a Worlds #1 Dad mug. He wears a cashmere seater embroidered with the words, Graham Mercedes- Benz Dealerships.

Their son, RYAN, 8, a shy, sensitive boy. The only thing Ryan loves more than basketball is his Uncle Jack.

He’s one of the few writers where I know exactly who his characters are just from their descriptions alone. And it’s not only that. He’s great at showing character instead of telling character. For example, one of the first things Jack does after construction work is get in his car, reach into a back seat cooler, and pour himself a beer.

One of my favorite “show don’t tell” moments in the script was when Jack had to look nice for his first game. So he goes to the back of his closet to find a suit, takes it out, puts it on, then feels something in the suit pocket. Brings it out. Movie tickets to “Meet the Parents.” In that moment we know exactly when the last time was Jack wore this suit. Seems like a small thing, but so much better than the lame “tell” version, which I read all the time. “When’s the last time you wore that suit, Jack? The Clinton era?” Show is always better than tell.

If only we didn’t feel like we’ve seen it all before. There’s a storyline where the father of the best kid on the team doesn’t want him playing in college, so Jack has to convince him to let him follow his dreams. Hasn’t that been done a thousand times already? With that said, you like everyone here enough that you care what happens to them. That’s Ingelsby’s talent. He knows how to construct a character.

What this script needed was a clear conflict at the center of the coaching storyline. Something we could latch onto. In Hoosiers, a big inspiration for this script, it was about a town that was used to doing things one way. And a coach came in and wanted to do them the opposite way. That was the conflict. We understood that whenever a big scene came around, that conflict would be at the center of it.

What’s the conflict here? I have no idea. There was a moment in the middle of the script where Jack gets mad at the team and curses them out. Afterwards, the assistant coach conveys his discomfort with that outburst and I thought, that could’ve been your conflict right there. This is a Catholic religious school. Yet we never lean into that. In fact, the players are just as foul-mouthed as Jack is. Had the school been by-the-book and highly religious, then Jack comes in as this atheist has-been alcoholic, now you’ve got a clear conflict that needs to be resolved. But we don’t get anything close to that.

Usually when a script has problems, it’s on the character end. With Has Been, it’s the plotting. It’s all too obvious. Again, if feels like several movies we’ve already seen. When the biggest surprise in your script is DCB, you need to get back in there and come up with something better. Ingelsby is lucky he’s so good at crafting characters we like, cause normally, the issues in this script would’ve sunk it.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: If you’re going to use DCB, you need to tie the child’s death into the plot in a creative way. Here, Jack’s son was 9 when he died. It’s random. It would’ve worked better if his son was in his teens. Why? Because Jack is coaching teenagers. Coming to work every day would be like facing his biggest fear. These kids would remind him of his own kid. Instead, we get generic DCB, which is always a let-down.