Genre: Sci-Fi
Premise: Halfway through its 120-year journey to save mankind, the hypersleeping passengers of the spaceship A.R.K. begin to fall victim to a serial killer.
About: This script finished in third place in the Mega-Showdown Screenplay Contest!
Writer: Mikael Grahn
Details: 112 pages

I was thinking about how Scriptshadow is a script review site and that I spend a lot of those reviews on scripts from the Black List – which I’m okay with. But it’s not as exciting as it used to be when the Black List script quality was better.

So, in the lead-up to reviewing the winner of Mega-Showdown, I thought to myself, “Why only review the winner? Why not review the top three scripts? If we’re going to review scripts on the site, we should be celebrating homegrown scripts over others, right?”

So that’s what we’re doing this week. I’ll review 3rd place Noah’s Choice today. 2nd Place Outpace the Dawn tomorrow. 1st place Bedford on Wednesday. On Thursday, I want to talk more about feedback. And then Friday, to add one last flavor to this contest, I’m going to tell you which of the final three scripts I liked the most.

That all begins today. So, let’s review… Noah’s Choice.

Noah’s Choice follows a deep-space ship with the final 100+ humans in all of the universe onboard. They’re headed on a one-hundred-and-twenty-year journey to a new planet where they will reboot the human species. The ship itself was hastily constructed because the earth was dying quickly so they had to make some technological sacrifices.

The mission commander, Trevor Norman, 35 years old, is awakened from his cryo-sleep halfway through the trip by the onboard AI, Keeper. Keeper informs Trevor that 20 of the females in hypersleep have been murdered, possibly sexually assaulted, and even eaten. Trevor is quickly on the case and starts looking into it.

Keeper starts waking up other relevant parties as well, like mission agriculturalist, Ahsan, mission astronomer, Kahaan, and physician (as well as Trevor Nemesis), Flavia. After the three make initial assessments, Trevor orders Keeper to wake up the rest of the men (there are only 10 of them) so they can do DNA cross-checks on some of these cryo-crime scenes.

Soon, all sorts of people are awake and everyone’s giving their opinions on who they think the killer is. The prime target seems to be a South Korean man named Moon who, it’s discovered, upon some extra research, was a sexual offender back on earth. The other primary suspect is a Chinese man named Yichen who didn’t have to qualify to get on the ship as his rich father was the one who built it.

The group doesn’t have a lot of time to figure things out because they’re limited on oxygen. They actually have to use these little oxygen candles to generate an hour of oxygen at a time. All in all, they only have hours to solve the murders. Or else they’ll have to go back into their cryo bays and pray that the murderer doesn’t take them out next.

The central conflict is between Trevor and Flavia as Flavia is convinced that Trevor is the killer since he was so cold in the lead-up to the launch, cheating on his own wife with one of the mission members. But as time ticks down, Flavia begins seeing holes in her theory and must reevaluate who, indeed, the killer is…

Whenever I read a script with a good concept, I’m desperately hoping the writer meets the promise of their premise. That doesn’t mean I have a pre-formulated idea of what the narrative should be. It’s more of a feel thing. I want the feeling of the script to match up with what I felt when I read the concept.

When I saw this concept, I imagined a slow burn – something akin to the beginning of Alien with shades of David Fincher’s “Seven.” Something has happened and the crew members are trying to figure out what it is. As the story continues, as more clues are discovered, the pace steadily increases, until a suspect is identified and now they have to eliminate them.

That’s not what we get. Noah’s Choice hits the ground running the second people come out of hypersleep. A ton of characters are thrown at us all at once and we spend a lot of those early pages trying to figure out who’s who. I thought Mikael did a solid job differentiating all of the characters, something that’s hard to do in these scripts.

But by unleashing a ton of characters, we never get that slow build-up. Everyone is launching theories at us at once and, at times, it felt like a bunch of drunk college kids being dropped into an Escape Room. Everyone’s clumsily yelling at each other, spouting out theories, throwing out blame, and running from area to area as soon as a new clue is found. There was no grace to the proceedings. The plot was being knocked forward with a blunt object, giving the investigation a lack of sophistication.

My guess as to why that happened is because Mikael was determined to use GSU, specifically the “U” part (“Urgency”). So he creates this rule with these limited supply oxygen candles whereby there isn’t a lot of time to figure things out. Theoretically, that’s a good idea. But when you use it to dictate the actions of 10 bickering people, it becomes a circus.

There are a couple of things to keep in mind here. One, if your central mystery is strong enough, the reader will give you ample runway to build your story up. You don’t need these intense ticking clocks nipping at your characters’ heels right from the start. Two, in serial killer movies, the Urgency is almost always measured by the next kill. There’s rarely some Police Captain saying, “You have 24 hours to find the killer or else!” It’s more that, if they don’t figure things out soon, the killer kills another victim. That allows for a slower, but still effective, type of urgency.

There’s this scene in Seven where Somerset and Mills just sit down in Mills’ place and share theories on what might be going on. It’s a deliberately slow scene that’s more about getting to know these characters and how they work together. We never get a scene like that in Noah’s Choice. It’s more like a Mr. Beast video where everyone’s just yelling at each other the whole time.

Now, when I peeked through the comments on Noah’s Choice’s day, I saw that Mikael was using Agatha Christie as a guide for this story. And, if that’s the type of movie he was trying to make, fair enough. The notes I just shared aren’t as applicable. But I would argue that a Seven-like tone is more conducive to a deep space murder mystery than Agatha Christie is. So I think that was the incorrect creative choice to make. I just didn’t like the bickering tone. I would rather we follow 2-3 people around who come across spookier and spookier clues. The mummy-kid was a great example of this. I wanted more stuff like that.

One of the biggest discussions all week has been the lack of cameras on the ship. Mikael had a spirited discussion with everyone who thought there should be cameras on the ship and I have to give him credit for being the only screenwriter I know who has been given the same note from 20 different readers and insisted he was still correct. But I don’t want that to be a big talking point today because I’m actually going to dedicate Thursday’s article to it. I want to talk more about feedback in a broader sense. So save your opinions about the cameras for Thursday!

Look, I’m aware that my expectations of what I hoped this script would be are coloring my analysis of it. However, even if I had wanted this to be “Agatha Christie in space,” I still think it needs work. Even the basics aren’t there yet. Like Trevor. I felt nothing for Trevor. I didn’t like him. I didn’t dislike him. I was 100% neutral. There was no effort made to make me feel anything about our protagonist. And no, a couple of family video messages isn’t enough. I need to like this character by seeing him take actions that make me like him.

If I don’t feel anything about your main character, nothing you write afterward will matter. But, let’s say I did like Trevor. The rest of this story is still messy. The way these characters interact is clunky and juvenile 70% of the time. There’s no elegance to how these character scenes are crafted. Everyone’s just thrown into a blender and a piece of food eventually spits out and Trevor goes to see what it is, which leads to another blender being turned on. That’s the basis for almost every interaction in this movie.

So even if you’re going for Agatha Christie, I think we need to go for a calmer space-version of Agatha Christie. Less characters. Conversations with a clearer purpose. Scenes with clear beginnings, middles, and ends. The plot to Noah’s Choice has structure. But the conversations within that plot have zero structure and that’s what frustrated me the most. I couldn’t make it through any scenes without getting agitated.

I still believe in this idea. But I would look at this draft more as an exploratory draft as opposed to a draft that we build future drafts on. Cause I think we need to rethink how this starts and how it evolves. Curious to hear if you guys agree or disagree.

Script link: Noah’s Choice (Contest Draft)

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: The goal with a murder mystery is not to line up the plot and character variables in a way that makes things the easiest on you, the writer (aka, eliminate cameras so you don’t have to come up with a reason why they can’t check camera footage). It’s to line things up to make them the hardest on you. In other words, if your story is about a man who needs to save a cat stuck in a tree, don’t make it a bansai tree. Make it a freaking redwood.

Vote now! Script with the most votes gets a review Monday.

It’s here!

The final countdown to the winner of the Mega-Showdown.

Just to be clear, this is the final voting weekend. Whoever gets the most votes wins. I’ll review their script this Monday.

If you’re new to the site, we’ve been having a 10-day feature screenplay contest. These are the final four scripts in the competition. Your job, as a reader, is to vote for your favorite of the four in the comments. Just comment and say, “My vote is or [insert script title].” Feel free to add any reasons for your vote.

A couple of changes here.

There will be NO HALF-VOTES. Full votes only.

Also, normally, voting closes at 11:59pm Sunday Pacific Time. This weekend it’s going to close at 10pm Pacific Time. That’s because I have to read and review the script the next day. So don’t wait too long!

If you want to read pages for any of the scripts, simply click the script title link and it will take you to the first five pages of the script.

Good luck to the four contestants. I honestly have no idea who’s going to win. Each script has its backers.

So let’s find out!

Title: Bedford
Genre: Thriller / Sci-Fi
Logline: During a graveyard shift in a local air traffic control tower, a passenger flight goes missing, setting off a series of unexplained occurrences in the sky and leaving it up to a single determined tower operator to untangle the mystery.

Title: The Best and Brightest
Genre: Mystery
Logline: After the president of the United States is poisoned aboard Air Force One, a no-nonsense Secret Service agent reluctantly teams up with a hotshot White House staffer to investigate a flight of high-maintenance VIP suspects and solve the murder before the plane lands.

Title: Noah’s Choice
Genre: Sci-Fi
Logline: Halfway through its 120-year journey to save mankind, the hypersleeping passengers of the spaceship A.R.K. begin to fall victim to a serial killer.

Title: Outpace the Dawn
Genre: Science Fiction
Logline: The crew of a ramshackle starship, stranded lightyears from the rest of humanity, stages a daring heist to infiltrate a rogue luxury transport, steal the spare warp drive it hoards, and escape the gaze of Eos — a volatile star tumbling toward supernova.

This week, we are highlighting the top 4 vote-getters in the Mega-Showdown Screenwriting Contest. Monday through Thursday, I will post the first five pages of one of the finalists and all you have to do is read their pages. A good gauge of whether you like the pages or not is to ask yourself, “Would I keep reading?”

What we’re trying to do differently from past showdowns is to give every writer their own day so that people actually read their pages as opposed to just vote on a logline or the first page. We’re trying to find the best writing. The best storytelling.

Also, this is a great opportunity for all screenwriters to learn. A lot of screenwriters still don’t read scripts. It’s hard to know what to do when you don’t have anything to compare it to. This week, you’re going to read 20 pages. Take note of what you like, what you don’t like and try to figure out why. If you do that, I guarantee you you’ll learn something about your own writing.

Time to meet our final contestant of the week. And if you’re getting a case of deja vu, yes, this *is* a different script from yesterday. Time to welcome Luke Secaur to the feedback party!

Title: Outpace the Dawn
Genre: Science Fiction
Logline: The crew of a ramshackle starship, stranded lightyears from the rest of humanity, stages a daring heist to infiltrate a rogue luxury transport, steal the spare warp drive it hoards, and escape the gaze of Eos — a volatile star tumbling toward supernova.

This week, we are highlighting the top 4 vote-getters in the Mega-Showdown Screenwriting Contest. Monday through Thursday, I will post the first five pages of one of the finalists and all you have to do is read their pages. A good gauge of whether you like the pages or not is to ask yourself, “Would I keep reading?”

What we’re trying to do differently from past showdowns is to give every writer their own day so that people actually read their pages as opposed to just vote on a logline or the first page. We’re trying to find the best writing. The best storytelling.

Also, this is a great opportunity for all screenwriters to learn. A lot of screenwriters still don’t read scripts. It’s hard to know what to do when you don’t have anything to compare it to. This week, you’re going to read 20 pages. Take note of what you like, what you don’t like and try to figure out why. If you do that, I guarantee you you’ll learn something about your own writing.

Time to meet contestant number 3. I wasn’t sure how this one would do but I liked the concept of a serial killer preying on helpless hypersleepers. :) Time to welcome Mikael Grahn.

Title: Noah’s Choice
Genre: Sci-Fi
Logline: Halfway through its 120-year journey to save mankind, the hypersleeping passengers of the spaceship A.R.K. begin to fall victim to a serial killer.
Tagline: One killer – no mankind
Movie Crossover Pitch: Knives Out meets Passengers

This week, we are highlighting the top 4 vote-getters in the Mega-Showdown Screenwriting Contest. Monday through Thursday, I will post the first five pages of one of the finalists and all you have to do is read the pages and gauge how you feel.

What we’re trying to do differently from past showdowns is to give every writer their own day so that people actually read their pages as opposed to evaluating the entry on a logline or a first page. We’re trying to find the best writing, the best storytelling, in the bunch.

Also, this is a great opportunity for all screenwriters to learn. A lot of screenwriters still don’t read scripts. It’s hard to know if what you’re writing is good when you don’t have anything to compare it to. This week, you’re going to read 20 pages total. Take note of what you like, what you don’t like, and try to figure out why. If you do that, I guarantee that you’ll learn something about your own writing.

No votes yet.  We’ll reconvene voting this weekend.

Time to introduce our second finalist, another high concept entry, who seems to have some insight into what the creator of Scriptshadow likes. I introduce to you, Bedford, from Joseph Fattal.

Title: Bedford
Genre: Thriller / Sci-Fi
Logline: During a graveyard shift in a local air traffic control tower, a passenger flight goes missing, setting off a series of unexplained occurrences in the sky and leaving it up to a single determined tower operator to untangle the mystery.