No amateur script today so I thought I’d discuss yesterday’s article about opening scenes, as well as post the winner of the scene contest! But first, I want to comment on a few of the things commenters noted.

“Flash-forward opening scenes are a cliche.” – I believe the commenter was trying to say that crazy mysterious flash-forward openers are cliche and hollow, a cheap trick to grab our interest before cutting to the past where, surprise surprise, a much slower and less interesting story unfolds. I agree with this. Those were not the scenes I had in mind when I wrote yesterday’s article. If the only way for you to pull me in is to flash forward to an exciting scene that will happen later in your screenplay, you’re not doing this right. Flash-forwards and flash-backs should always be your last option. See if you can create interest out of a linear situation first. Because unless you’ve written the greatest flash-forward opener ever, or it’s clear that there’s a reason why you started us in the future, I’m going to be skeptical of your ability to tell a compelling linear story.

“The opening scene is just a scene.” – MulesandMud had some excellent notes yesterday on how dramatic questions work. If you didn’t read his comment, make sure to. What he’s basically saying is that you shouldn’t just be asking dramatic questions in your opening scene. You should be asking dramatic questions in every scene. What I was trying to say was that if there isn’t a dramatic question posed in the opening scene, it usually means the writer doesn’t understand drama. And if they can’t hook you in the first 5 pages, how in the world are they going to keep you hooked for an entire screenplay? So yeah, even after you’ve finished that dramatic-question opening scene, don’t stop posing questions. Keep asking them in as many scenes as possible. That’s how you’ll keep us hooked.

“Each screenplay is unique.” – There will never be a screenwriting tip that universally fits every script. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about this craft, it’s that every time you write a new script, you face new challenges that require you to do things you’ve never done before, some of those going against the very guidelines you’ve based your writing foundation on. For example, I always recommend you give your hero a memorable opening scene. But due to the unique challenges of some stories, you might not be able to do that. You could’ve made the opening of Die Hard a lot more interesting if the plane John McClane was on lost control and McClane had to save it. But then you lose the “ordinary man” quality that makes the rest of the movie work so well. My point being, I would prefer a dramatic question to open your script. It’s the easiest way to hook the reader. But if you’ve chosen an idea that doesn’t mesh well with that approach, don’t force it. Do what the script is telling you to do.

Okay, on to yesterday’s winning scene! This comes from Lucid Walk. The script is titled Under The Vultures and is a cowboy-zombie mash-up. I really liked the scene. I thought it did everything I talked about. The only issue I had with the scene (spoiler alert) was that the heroine was saved by a deus-ex-machina. Always always always try to get your main characters to solve the big problems on their own. Not only is it good writing, but it’ll make your audience fall in love with your hero like you wouldn’t believe. Minor quibble though. The rest of the scene was great!

FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

A heavy deluge of rain pelts WENDY MCQUAIL (27) as she bounds through the heart of a lush forest.

She is an innocent beauty, garbed in a blood-spattered pioneer dress, clutching a double-barreled shotgun.

SUPER: MONTANA, 1872

Wendy stops behind a tree, panting rapidly.

Lightning flashes. Thunder ROLLS.

A SHRIEK fills the air — high-pitched, ghastly — like the wails of a banshee mixed with the cries of a dying animal.

Wendy opens the gun’s chamber, only one shell left.

Another SHRIEK, closer.

Wendy closes the chamber — KACHICK! She takes a deep breath, her eyes filled with fear.

She steps around the tree, risks a peek.

Lightning flashes. Thunder ROLLS. And then —

THREE FIGURES burst out of the wet bushes.

Their flesh pale and rotten. Blood oozes out of their mouths. Their eyes burn bright yellow like jewels from hell.

And we’ll call them what they are — ZOMBIES.

The zombies linger, scanning the area for their prey.

Wendy watches them from the cover of the tree. Her eyes fixed on the undead monsters, she doesn’t notice…

A HULKING FIGURE approaches her from behind.

The zombies SHRIEK with anger, defeated in their search. They sprint into the foliage, out of sight.

Wendy sinks against the tree, sighs in relief.

A low GROWL.

Wendy swivels to the sound and sees…

An UNDEAD GRIZZLY BEAR stalks out of the darkness.

A hellish beast of intense size. Its furry hide is torn open, exposing its grisly rib cage. Its intestines drag through the wet mud. Blood drools out of its serrated fangs.

The bear’s yellow eyes leer at Wendy.

The shotgun falls to the ground.

Wendy gapes at the monster, frozen with fear.

The bear bellows a tremendous ROAR.

Wendy snaps out of it, goes for the shotgun —

The bear lunges —

BANG! — a gunshot ECHOES amidst the heavy storm, reverberating throughout the forest.

THE THREE ZOMBIES

whirl around, charge in the direction of the shot.

They find the BEAR collapsed in the dirt, its head blasted into a million pieces of brain matter and bone fragments.

The empty shotgun lays beside the bear carcass.

No sign of Wendy.

Once again, the zombies scan the area.

UNDER THE BEAR CARCASS

lies Wendy, completely hidden.

The bear’s entrails slime her body. She shields her mouth from the foul stench, silences her breathing.

She lies still and quiet…listening, waiting, hoping.

Suddenly, the carcass jerks back and forth.

Wendy’s eyes widen in shock.

THE ZOMBIES

shred into the carcass like a piñata. Cold fingers plunge into the exposed rib cage. They gorge on handfuls of rotten innards.

The zombies chew their way through the carcass…oblivious of who lies underneath…getting closer to her nonetheless.

WENDY

closes her eyes. She’s trapped, helpless, alone.

Fresh tears stream down her face —

BANG! BANG!

The carcass goes still. Wendy opens her eyes.

TWO THUDS as two zombies hit the ground.

The last zombie SHRIEKS.

Wendy stays still, listens intently.

Mud SPLASHES —

Thunder BOOMS —

A sickening THWACK —

The zombie SHRIEKS —

Another THWACK —

THUD as the last zombie hits the ground. And then…

Silence. Nothing else as the heavy rain SPLATS the earth.

Wendy remains still, waiting until it’s safe.

MOMENTS LATER

Wendy emerges from under the carcass. The rainwater rinses the bear’s muck off her body. Her eyes glide over the dead zombies.

Two have bullet holes through their brains. As for the third, the grip of an empty revolver has been clubbed into its left eye socket.

The yellow light has faded from their eyes.

Wendy turns around as a flash of lightning reveals —

HARLAN ELLSWORTH (35) lies slumped against a tree, breathing heavily. He is a charismatic gunslinger with the makings of a tamed wolf — reliable, but dangerous.

WENDY
Oh, my God.

Harlan notices Wendy, tips his hat with a smile. It takes all of his strength to speak.

HARLAN
Oh. Howdy, ma’am.

Wendy hurries to Harlan’s side. He struggles to keep his eyes open. Pain and exhaustion take their toll.

WENDY
Sir, are you alright?

Harlan chuckles.

HARLAN
Not particularly.

Wendy looks down and gasps. A red smear of blood blossoms the inside of his shirt.

HARLAN
Now don’t you go worryin’ yourself, it ain’t a bite. But you are welcome to verify.

Wendy gulps. She cautiously lifts up his shirt, reveals a small hole burst outward on his torso, oozing blood.

WENDY
Sir, you were shot?

HARLAN
Lovely, ain’t it? Right in the back, and right out the gut.

An undead SHRIEK resonates in the distance. Harlan and Wendy turn towards the sound.

HARLAN
‘Course, that ain’t nothin’ compared to what they can do.

WENDY
Can you walk?

HARLAN
More or less.

He groans as he attempts to stand, using the tree for support.

HARLAN
But as to how far, I can’t say.

Wendy throws his arm around her shoulders, helps him up.

WENDY
There’s a trading post just through these trees. We can make it.

Another distant SHRIEK.

HARLAN
We damn well better.

Wendy helps Harlan walk. He groans again, covers his mouth.

WENDY
What’s wrong?

HARLAN
Apologies, ma’am, but you reek.

Wendy can’t help but laugh. She glances at the bear carcass.

WENDY
Yes, well, desperate times.

She and Harlan disappear into the woods.

The thunderous storm RAGES on, drowns out the distant sound of horrible SHRIEKS.

FADE TO BLACK

Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Period Fantasy/Adventure
Premise (from writer): After years of work, noted alchemist Isaac Newton has finally discovered a working formula for the legendary Philosopher’s Stone. But when it’s stolen by a secret society with nefarious intent, he’ll have to team with his arch-rival Robert Hooke to take it back and prevent a plot that would change the course of England’s history.
Why You Should Read (from writer): I’ve been lurking here for some time, reading your articles and the Amateur Friday submissions, and I figure it’s finally time to get in on this thing. My script puts many of your favorite elements front and center: a creative twist on a public domain figure, a clear goal, and high stakes that are tied directly to the main character’s hopes, dreams, and flaws. — Isaac Newton spent at least as much time on alchemy as he did on the work we remember him for, and this script lays out a “What If” scenario: what if Isaac Newton succeeded in his obsessive quest for the Philosopher’s Stone? I did my research and, using Newton’s actual beliefs and the urban legends of some of the smartest men who have ever lived, I’ve attempted to craft a big, fun romp of a movie. I want to know if I’ve succeeded.
Writer: Jake Disch
Details: 118 pages

Ben Wishaw for Isaac Newton amirite?

One of the biggest mistakes I run into when I read these public domain-driven screenplays, is the writer resting too heavily on the shock factor of a well-known literary celebrity doing something unexpected. So, for example, someone will write a script where Huckleberry Finn is a werewolf. Or Cinderella is a robot in space. And they believe that just because they did that cool unexpected thing, that their job is done. Like, “We’re geniuses, we can go home now.”

In that sense, a public domain script is no different from a flashy concept. The flash of the concept always wears out quickly (usually within 15 pages). Once that shock honeymoon period is over, are you able to actually tell a story? And by that I mean something with a compelling goal, something with multiple strong characters, something that keeps you guessing, something with mystery and suspense and intrigue.

Today’s script is the first time I’ve seen someone write a fully fleshed-out public domain script as opposed to just shocking us with Pinocchio as a zombie and then phoning it in for the final 90 pages.

As the logline informed us, The Last Alchemist follows 28 year-old college professor Isaac Newton, who, in this story, is an obsessive alchemist. He purposefully bores his students to death so they won’t show up for class, so he can spend more time on his alchemy.

And that extra time pays off. Using the power of elemental mish-mash (that’s what I call it, at least), Newton’s created the elusive Philosopher’s Stone, which is said to have many different powers, one of which includes bringing the dead back to life.

No sooner does he create this stone, than a naughty thug of a gentleman steals it from him. And if that’s not bad enough, he takes Isaac’s best friend, John Wickins, too! This forces Newton to do what he hates most, interact with the world, and he teams up with Wickins’ girlfriend, Martha Clarke, to go and find his friend and creation.

Also tagging along is fellow professor and Newton’s nemesis, Robert Hooke. The three head off to some noted alchemists to see what the alchemy underground is rumor-mongering about. This leads them to something called the Royal Society, where we finally meet our villain, Dee.

Dee loves him some philosopher’s stone because it will allow him to animate an army of automatons. And when you have an army of automatons at your fingertips, you can do anything you want. Even win Powerball (You just get all the automatons to buy ten tickets each). But when Dee loses the stone, he’ll have to get chummy with Newton to make another one. And while Newton may be an introverted dorkimus, he can be a handful when you get up in his stones.

I always encourage you guys to take chances. And Jake takes a big one. Early on, we learn that Newton and his friend Wickins are lovers. Placing a gay character at the center of your summer-tent-pole screenplay is a huge gamble. And that gamble really paid off.

Just as I was saying that public domain mash-ups can’t be shock-value only, the risky story choices you make can’t solely be for shock value either. It smells of desperation and never resonates. (spoiler) Wickins and Newton’s relationship isn’t just there to shock you. Their relationship plays into one of the bigger twists in the movie. And that’s what I really liked about Jake. He didn’t just make tough choices, he expanded on them.

Another thing I loved was the unique make-up of our team. Usually in movies, your team consists of the selfish guy, the strong-willed woman, and you writing a bunch of squabbling between them with major sexual tension underneath. When I see that, I know I’m either dealing with a newbie writer or a boring writer.

The Last Alchemist has a totally different make-up for its team. The man our heroes are trying to save, John Wickens, is someone they’re both in love with. That one change created a different vibe than I’m used to when reading these types of scripts. But then Jake took it a step further, pulling Newton’s dickhead nemesis in to provide an EXTRA layer of conflict. I’m always amazed when a writer can discover new avenues inside old formulas, and Jake clearly does that.

He’s also good at making all of his characters unique. I was just explaining to a newbie writer recently that his two main characters acted and sounded exactly the same. They were both white males, both businessmen, both confident, both ladies’ men. So I couldn’t tell them apart when they spoke.

There are a lot of ways to avoid that, but one of the easiest ways is to make them speak differently. Give them different speech patterns, different vocabulary, different subjects they key in on, different philosophies. What’s great about this script is when Newton speaks, you know it’s Newton. You don’t need his character name to tell you. He’s always stopping in the middle of his sentences. He adds an annoying “erm” a lot, whenever he’s stuck. He takes a little longer to get to his point. He FEELS DIFFERENT. And if you want to be taken seriously as a screenwriter, that’s something you want to pay attention to and get good at. Cause it makes a big difference.

My one issue with the script is that it starts to feel like it’s on rails, meaning we get into a pattern and become too comfortable as observers. Go to Person A, he tells us to go to Person B. Go to Person B, he tells us to go to Person C. And so on and so forth. Sometimes you have to throw a curve ball at your plot. Instead of letting your characters easily go from one section to the next, have them get to a section and it’s not there. Or something stops them from getting there in the first place. The classic example of this is in the original Star Wars when Luke, Han, and Obi-Wan try to get to Alderran, and when they get there, it’s blown to bits.

But it goes to show how strong the character work was here. Cause usually that mistake will doom a script for me. But since I liked these characters so much, I was more forgiving of the predictable plot. This is a great way to start the year. Nice job, Jake!

Screenplay link: The Last Alchemist

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Not all verbs create the same image in a reader’s head. If your character stabs someone, and you follow that with, “Blood blooms from the wound,” you need to know that that looks and feels different in the reader’s head than, “Blood gushes from the wound.” Put some thought into which verb best describes the image you want in your reader’s head and go with that verb.

Reviews are coming in. Here are some spoiler-free ones:

Slash-Film (positive).
AICN-Quint (positive though feels like he’s holding back).
AICN-Nordling (slightly positive to kind of negative).

What worries me is that the reviews have that “Prequel Reviews” feel to them. Remember those? “Oh, it was amazing. But there were a few problems here and there. But it was amazing!” Like, “I’m trying to convince myself” here.

But anyway, here’s my question. You’re Disney. You hold the world premiere of one of your biggest movies ever on a Monday. You then tell everyone who saw the movie that they’re not allowed to review the film until 12:01 AM on Wednesday (so effectively 9 am Wednesday, since that’s when the normal world will wake up and read the reviews). With showtimes beginning, I believe, Thursday at noon, this gives reviewers barely more than 24 hours to get their thoughts out to the general public before the public sees it.

Does that sound strange to anyone but me? Doesn’t it feel a bit like they don’t have a lot of confidence in the film? I mean why not just let people review it after they come out of the theater on Monday?? It seems so strange. I’d understand it if they screened the movie three weeks ago. But this is the same week it comes out.

Regardless of whether any of that is relevant, The Force Awakens’ fate will lie with something the general audience isn’t even aware of – the fact that its screenplay was rushed. I understand that corporations want their money now, but it’s so dangerous to rush anything that you want to be good. Especially when you consider that most movies which are terrible (Transformers) had trouble achieving even a mediocre screenplay with FIVE TIMES the amount of time Abrams and Kasdan had to write this.

The thing that suffers the most when you rush a screenplay is plot. It’s easy to come up with the grand sweeping centerpieces of your story. But it takes a hell of a lot of time to connect them all in a natural, convincing, invisible way. So what’s the common critique I keep hearing out of all the Force Awakens reviews? “Contrived plotting.” “Lots of coincidences.” “Things feel left out.” “Things don’t always come together naturally.”

I know, I know. I haven’t seen the movie yet. But this is exactly what I was terrified of when I heard how quickly they were writing the script. Good scripts always take time. Especially scripts that have a lot of moving parts (lots of characters, jump around a lot). You may be able to write something quickly that involves three guys in a barn (Untitled Contained Barn Movie – coming to a theater near you). But 50 guys, gals, and aliens spanning a couple of dozen planets and starships??? No, you’re going to need fucking time for that. And to think that Disney originally wanted to release this in MAY! What were thinking under that timeline? 5 days for the script? 5 and a half?

I’m seeing the movie Thursday night and I guess in a way, I’m glad I heard about these issues ahead of time. I went into The Phantom Menace with huge expectations and got boned. Maybe the cautious route will result in a more satisfying experience. Let’s hope. And may The Force be with us all.

p.s. I’m still reading and reviewing Scriptshadow 250 scripts for 2 weeks over on my Twitter. You can go there to get tips and updates. Also, you can go through the archives by searching for the tag #ss250!

What you see above? That is all I want for Christmas. I’m serious. If you want to thank me for any help on the screenwriting front, bless me with that sugar parade. That is all the thanks I need. I just want to mash that thing in my face. Like rub the chocolate all over my forehead and then stuff it in my mouth. Then wrap the second cup up and hide it like a squirrel for later. Wait until the family is asleep and then sneak in another face-mashing session. Okay, now this is just getting weird. But the 2 pound reeses is not weird. It is wonderful. And I wish a merry Christmas to whomever eats one. Or two. Or three.

Title: Weep, Crave, Loathe
Genre: Comedy
Logline: Three socially impaired women, who think they have superpowers during PMS, believe they must find the remedy to menopause or risk losing their powers forever.
Why You Should Read: This is my attempt at a superhero script where there are no actual superpowers. It’s just three women who make some questionable choices because of issues with self-perception. It’s meant to be farcical fun so the humor tends towards sophomoric and crude. Curious what you think.
Thanks ahead of time if you take a look.

Title: Throw Away Love
Genre: Thriller
Logline: A disillusioned trophy wife has an affair with a photographer, unaware that he’s a serial killer.
Why You Should Read: I refined the logline in the comments section during the Thanksgiving Holiday. I got great feedback and now I’m hoping to get some more great feedback on the rest of the script. This script takes inspiration from films like “Body Heat”, “Unfaithful”, “Blood Simple”, and “Fatal Attraction”. I decided to write a Thriller because it’s a sell-able genre. “Throw Away Love” is the first script I’ve written since discovering Scriptshadow. From the initial idea, all the way to this current draft, I’ve made a concentrated effort to incorporate many of the tips from this site. I’m really excited to see how I’ve grown as a writer since discovering this site and its community.

Title: Recon
Genre: Action/Sci-fi
Logline: An Alien invasion seen through the eyes and the perspective of an Alien soldier. [Cloverfield meets Independence Day]
Why You Should Read: Well, if I won the lottery tomorrow, I’d spend the majority of the day splurging on a bunch’a nonsense that I’ve always dreamed of having… and then come home and type “FADE IN”. So yes, my name is Landon Collins and I’m an aspiring scribe [“Hiiii, Landon”]. Twice placed in the Nicholl Fellowships including 2015 as a Quarterfinalist. “RECON” is not my Nicholl script, but instead, it’s my latest script that’s been toiling in the back of my mind for about 5 years, and I just now gathered the testicular fortitude to hash it out this year. Not since my first couple of scripts a decade ago have I had as much fun writing and I hope you have at least half as much fun reading it.

Title: For Your Eyes Only
Genre: Espionage thriller
Logline: James Bond undertakes an unofficial mission of revenge in the first true adaptation of Ian Fleming’s story since it entered the public domain
Why You Should Read: I’m sending this script in response to your recent post (Increase Your Chances of Selling a Screenplay 100-fold). The public domain is fascinating, if tricky, place to play, with opportunities and potholes in equal measure. I’m hoping to get through without breaking an axel. In short: on January 1, 2015, Ian Fleming’s James Bond novels entered the public domain in Canada (and in numerous other territories worldwide, including the mega-market of China). I saw an opportunity, and wrote a feature screenplay based on Fleming’s short story For Your Eyes Only. The script presents a fully realized James Bond (no, it’s not another origin story, because who needs that?) at a crucial turning point in his life and follows him through an adventure that sets up a proposed four-film series — along with a potential spin-off series and cross-media tie-in content, both adapted and original. So yes, I’m thinking big here. — I think this could be an interesting case-in-point for your argument (or a cautionary tale, depending on how things work out). I had to contend with exactly what you describe in your article: how to tell a familiar story in a fresh way; how to breath new life into a character everyone knows; how to simultaneously meet and thwart expectations. Even if it never gets produced, this was one of the most educational screenplays I’ve ever written. (I have six produce features under my belt thus far, all very indie; this, if it got made, would be a whole new phase of my career.) — I’m pretty happy with the script now, but I don’t bruise easily, so I’m open for some honest criticism. (Btw, my choice for Bond: Cillian Murphy.)

Carson, you made a mistake.

You passed over this script for the 250. I understand these things happen, but lemme help correct that and show you my chops.

I’m a Chicago man like yourself and you picked my twin brother’s script for the 250 and amateur offerings and now he has a big head and is giving me shit. Among brothers, this cannot stand.

Here’s my submission:

Title: Team Deathmatch
Genre: Comedy
Logline: When a crusty workaholic gets canned for an office meltdown, he must work together with his burnout son to win a million dollar video game competition and save their house from foreclosure.
Why You Should Read:

Because I wanna make you feel good.

Yeah…

That’s right.

But sadly, I can’t touch you. So let my script touch you… in the best way possible… and make you feel good.

E-sports (video games in non-douchey terms) is an untapped subculture ripe for parody. And these people go to the movies for R-rated comedies. Nice.

On top of that… day jobs can suck. So who can’t get behind a protagonist leaving his/her work-a-day life for a shot rarified glory, financial security, and more time with his/her family? That’s what this story is about.

But don’t all movies remotely tied to video games end up as catastrophic failures? Well… yeah. But this ain’t them. NOBODY has approached the video game subculture from this angle. Games, particularly ‘e-sports’, are GROWING in popularity. They aren’t going away and somebody’s gonna get it right. Eventually. Maybe now?

So spend some time with me, yeah? I’ll make it worth your while.

Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Sci-Fi
Premise (from writer): When a young man serving on the zeppelin Hindenburg discovers that a deadly, shape-shifting alien is hidden on board, he must defeat it or the girl he loves will suffer a fate worse than death.
Why You Should Read (from writer): I already sent you two of my other scripts for the Scriptshadow 250 contest, but what you wrote about the lack of big idea scripts inspired me to send you my biggest idea script. With its love story on a doomed vessel coupled with an alien which can assume the form of anyone it devours, it’s like TITANIC meets THE THING… I worked hard to make the script as easy to read as possible (no paragraph over 2 lines, only 97 pages) and to keep it moving and entertaining. If you’ll like it I’d really love for you to come on board as a producer!
Writer: Tal Gantz
Details: 97 pages

A little Ansel for David here?

I’m throwing EVERYONE for a loop today. There was a lot of discussion over last week’s group of scripts, but not a lot of voting. I think that says something. If people aren’t compelled enough to even type “I vote for [x]” in a comment, then something’s missing from your script. So I decided to look into it more deeply until I finally figured out what the problem was. I can’t believe, in retrospect, how obvious it was.

The writers didn’t center their title pages.

As we all know, the most important part of any screenplay is not just the title page, but how well you center that title. I try to get this across to new writers all the time. It’s not about character or dialogue or structure. It’s about centering. Think I’m exaggerating? Let me put it this way. I heard that the best script ever submitted to the Nicholl Fellowship was rejected because the title wasn’t centered properly.

Yes.

I got in touch with the writer and apparently his centering was 4 and a half pixels off. In his defense, his title included a hyphen and an ellipses, which confused the matter, but you know what? That’s no excuse. He should’ve known better. You can’t have an improperly centered title page and expect this industry to take you seriously.

All of this forced me to go back a few Amateur Saturdays to find a script that DID center its title properly, and boy am I excited. This script exuded one of the most center-positive attitudes I’ve ever seen. So much so that I’m nominating it for the prestigious “Center Award,” which as you all know rewards the most centered objects of the year. It is time, my friends, to review a script that dares to care about the things that really matter. Let’s take a trip back to… The Hindenburg Alien.

It’s 1937, a year before the world lost its innocence, and when Germany graced us with the largest flying machine anyone had ever seen, the Hindenburg. We join this gargantuan airship while its loading up passengers for its impending flight. This is where we meet 20 year-old David Grant, a ship hand who’s trying to kick ass and not be a Nazi.

David is joined by his comic relief co-worker, Harry, and the demonstrably stodgy captain, Mr. Lehman, along with a host of other worker bees that make flying the Hindenburg so exciting, when it’s not bursting into flames and roasting its passengers alive that is.

Shit gets Nazi-real when a professor rolls up a giant iron box that looks like it could be a Steampunk transformer “before” picture. Following him is 19 year-old Anna, the girl of David’s dreams, who is unfortunately followed by Hans Muller, her Nazi fiancé. So much for that love connection. I’m guessing that’s nazi-gonna happen.

After the Hindenburg takes off, David wanders downstairs in time to see a co-worker, Eric, get pulled into the iron box and EATEN by whatever’s in there. David runs upstairs to tell the captain, but when they come back down, it appears that Eric is fine. OR IS HE? Eric’s acting strange, and after a bit of sleuthing, David figures out that whatever was in that box has taken the form of Eric.

David eventually finds Anna, and because she’s just so darn dreamy, he informs her of what he saw. She believes him and wants to help, but her evil fiancé, Hans, keeps hanging around and being all clingy. Those Nazis. We eventually find out that Anna is only marrying this jerk because he’s agreed to smuggle her father out of the country to safety.

While evil alien-monster thing jumps form one host to the next, David realizes that if this planet-hopper lands, there’s a good chance it’s going to spread its seed and earth as we know it will turn into an intergalactic truck stop. So David must overcome his fears and take Alien Yucky Head on. One on one. May the best… biological… living creature win.

I’m digging the concept here. Tal’s obviously been influenced by Titanic, but he knows if he takes that approach, it just becomes Titanic on the Hindenburg. And we’ve seen “Titanic on the…” films before and they never end up well (Pearl Harbor). So he wisely turns this into a sci-fi film and makes it more of a monster-in-a-box movie.

Here was my issue while reading The Hindenburg Alien though: It was too darn simplistic. And I know this might sound confusing because I’m always harping on you guys for being too complex. But rarely does ANY extreme work well, and that includes being too simplistic.

I don’t want this to come off the wrong way but “Hindenburg” felt like it was written by a third grader. That’s not to say there were a lot of spelling or grammar errors. But the grammar was devoid of any color or nuance. There was no flavor to the way anything was written, leaving the script feeling so basic that it was hard to get excited about anything.

Here’s an example: “David and Harry sneak into the deck. All is silent and still. Eric is nowhere in sight.”

You see how rudimentary and lifeless those sentences are? Even the book our romantic lead is reading is titled: “Romantic Poems.” The only title I can think of more generic than that would be, “Written Stories.”

I can overlook colorless prose sometimes if the character work or dialogue is exceptional. But both of those suffer from the same problem. Here’s a dialogue exchange from when David meets up with Anna. David: “How did you know it was me?” “Your footsteps gave you away. Quiet, but strong. Just like you.” Is it just me or does that sound like it was spoken by an animatronic automaton?

You know, it’s funny. Technically speaking, Tal does what myself and many screenwriting folks teach in regards to dialogue. Keep the lines sparse and to the point, usually under three lines. But while this sounds great in practice, if EVERY SINGLE SPOKEN LINE OF DIALOGUE is like that, it feels generic and lifeless (and worse – predictable). And plus, in the real world, everyone talks differently. Some do keep it short and to the point. But others can’t shut up. I didn’t get enough of a sense of different personalities and talking styles here. To that end, changing up the dialogue length for each character would’ve helped a ton.

But yeah, in general, we needed more color to everything. In the description, the dialogue, the backstory, the plotting. A basic plot point would be “Let’s follow Eric” and at a certain point I felt like I’d asked for a Chinese chicken salad and they’d brought me a head of lettuce and a few ketchup packets.

I will say this about The Hindenburg Alien. It’s not as simplistic as Monday’s “Free Fall,” which sold. And Tal’s got the right idea here. This is a big enough concept that it could be turned into a movie. But if he wants to improve his chances, he needs to add more complexity to the characters and the plotting, and he needs to add some color to the writing himself. I would recommend he check out Osgood Perkins’ script, “February,” for how to add color through prose, and Aaron Sorkin’s, Jobs, for tips on how to write more colorful dialogue.

Good luck, my friend. You’re on your way to something here. ☺

Screenplay link: The Hindenburg Alien

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Be mindful of long absences by your characters (30+ pages). You can’t just bring them back whenever. It’s very likely we’ve forgotten who they are. Or even if we remember their name, we’ve forgotten the exact circumstances by which they’re attached to the story. That’s what happened here. We meet Anna’s father, Rosen, when he arrives on the ship, but I’d forgotten about him by the time he showed up again 50 pages later. I thought to myself, “Wait, did we see him board in the opening?” I wasn’t sure. And because there were a lot of dream-scenes in The Hindenburg Alien, I thought she may have been dreaming about her father. To eliminate confusion, add another scene with Rosen somewhere between those two scenes. That way he stays prominent in our minds, and we’re not playing the “Who’s This Dude Again?” screenplay game (a game I have to play way too much!).