Search Results for: amateur
I have to give it to you guys with these holiday entries. You came hard and you came strong. Where else is someone going to pitch you this logline – “After a great white shark eats Santa and absorbs his magic, two elves with the help of a con woman, a cop and a cranky sea captain fight to stop the shark as it embarks on a bloody holiday feast.” It’s like someone was watching Sharknado while drinking a gallon of eggnog the night before Christmas then challenged themselves to write the entire script on Christmas Day.
Or this one, titled “Red Frosting and Broken Graham Crackers,” a holiday neo-noir: “Are cookies accidentally falling in the river? Or is the truth behind these disappearances far more sinister? When his friend is listed among the missing, a miserly cookie hits the streets to search for answers in an unforgiving city of gingerbread houses and graham cracker skyscrapers.”
While I don’t quite think sharks and Christmas go together, and while I’ve never come across a noir holiday film before, we’ve got a few fun-sounding entries this weekend. One of them in particular had me pronouncing, “That right there is a movie!” By the way, that’s one of the highest compliments you can give a script. So many concepts don’t have a logline that says “movie.” So when you come across one, it sticks out. I can’t tell you which concept I’m referring to cause I don’t want to influence the voting. But I’ll let you know after voting closes.
Amateur Showdown is a bi-weekly tournament where I pick five screenplays that were submitted to me and then you, the readers of the site, read as much of each script as possible and vote for your favorite in the comments. The winner will receive a review the following Friday that could result in props from your peers, representation, a spot on one of the big end-of-the-year screenwriting lists, and in rare cases, a SALE!
The NEXT Amateur Showdown will occur on January 17th and that one will be CONTAINED THRILLER SHOWDOWN. So if you have a contained thriller, a contained horror thriller, a contained sci-fi thriller, a contained dramatic thriller, GET THAT THING READY! And if you don’t yet have one, you’ve got almost 35 days to write one (January 16th is the deadline). More details on that in the new year.
In order to participate, e-mail me at carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Include your script title, the genre, a logline, and a pitch to myself and potential readers why you believe your script deserves a shot. It could be long, short, passionate, to-the-point. Whatever you think will convince someone your script is worth opening, make your case. Just like Hollywood, the Scriptshadow readers are a fickle bunch. So be convincing!
Merry Christmas, ho ho ho and good luck to the holiday contestants this weekend!
Title: Off the Hook
Genre: Family / Animation
Logline: Set in a world where a Christmas tree’s star is actually a secret transmitter used by Santa Claus to identify all of the active Christmas homes throughout the world, a ‘by the book’ toy soldier must lead a group of Christmas tree ornaments in a desperate race against time to find their missing star so Santa doesn’t skip their house.
Why You Should Read: Because it’s Toy Story on a tree! — Off the Hook is my shot at writing a Pixar-style four-quadrant family adventure. Every Christmas tree has a story with its own endless supply of colorful characters and I’ve always thought if I could just nail down a unique plot this could be a fun world to play in. Once I (finally!) figured out the star Off the Hook found its unique plot and I was off to the writing races.
This is a fast read at 91 pages stuffed full of GSU that has done well on the contest circuit. Here is what the Tracking Board had to say when it made their top 75: — “With a unique take on a Christmas tradition that will delight both kids and their parents, the writer is able to make this story their own by providing the Christmas tree ornaments with individual personalities and keeping them active with clear goals and purpose. The banter is witty and fun and keeps the story moving even before they leave the comfort of the living room. Once the adventure starts, the high stakes escalate with every obstacle and the addition of the ticking clock, counting down to when Santa arrives, is both adorable and the perfect motivation. Ending with positive themes of family, friendship, and the holiday spirit, this script has the potential to touch generations of kids.”
It’s time to reinvent the Christmas tree ornament because in my imagination those aren’t boring stationary objects on my tree – they’re toys with hooks!
Thanks for your consideration and merry Christmas to you and the Scriptshadow community!
Title: 100 Days of Christmas
Genre: Action-Adventure
Logline: When the South Pole attacks the North Pole one hundred days before Christmas, an aging Santa Claus passes the reins of his empire to his reluctant civilian son.
Why You Should Read: Hi Carson, I’ve been a long-time follower of ScriptShadow (since 2009) and without exaggeration, one of my favorite parts of each morning is reading your script reviews. I learn from every post and love how you champion stronger, more entertaining, more original stories that aim to elevate cinema to a higher level. I hope I’ve gleaned some of these lessons and incorporated them into my own work including “100 Days of Christmas”. This is a story I’ve developed over many years as I tried to write the kind of Christmas movie I would love to see — a sweeping, modern, romantic adventure that captures the wonder, beauty, and meaning of Christmas through characters I love and worlds that interest me. I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it. Most of all, I hope it leaves you with that holiday feeling we all crave as we head into the last few weeks of the year (and decade). Thanks again for what you do. Much appreciated, Paul.
Title: Tinsel
Genre: Christmas Horror
Logline: Two young siblings struggle to survive Christmas Eve after they become stranded on a massive Christmas tree farm and hunted by a supernatural, child-eating monster.
Why you should read: One of my previous scripts, an hour long pilot, was optioned to a producer in LA. After that fell into limbo, I decided to refocus on my first love of writing features. I then wrote and submitted a horror/dark comedy spec to Carson, who chose it to compete in an amateur showdown, where it finished second. It was a great experience and motivated me to continue writing.
‘Tinsel’ also falls along those lines of horror/dark comedy, but it’s also heavy on the holiday/Christmas atmosphere. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become less and less excited about Christmas and holidays in general, but I have an unmistakable nostalgia for that time of year when I think back to my childhood, as I’m sure a lot of other people do as well. So, I wanted to take my love of horror films and combine it with that nostalgia to try and tell a fun and fast paced horror story that takes place over Christmas Eve.
I’ve generated some interest from some producers/managers with this script, and I’d be happy to hear from the scriptshadow community as well, and hopefully from Carson himself. Thanks for your time!
Title: Jingle Hell Rock
Genre: Christmas, Action, Fantasy
Logline: When his elves are kidnapped by the Devil to make planet-conquering toys for the naughty, the only way Santa Claus can save Christmas and the world is by pulling off the rescue mission from Hell.
Why You Should Read: First off – Yes, my real last name is Christmas, but that probably isn’t going to be enough to earn me a spot in this year’s Holiday Showdown. Luckily I have a killer concept to go along with my festive surname. Seriously, why isn’t this a movie already? It’s such a simple premise – the elves get kidnapped, and Santa has to rescue them. It’s Taken with a festive-fantasy twist. Surely, I couldn’t be the first person to think of this. Well, while researching Santa Claus movies, not only did I find out that nobody’s ever explored this premise, but I also discovered something shocking. Of the over 95 movies about old St. Nick, for some reason, almost all of them are told through the point of view of some entitled little brat drowning in first-world problems or one of Santa’s overly ambitious helpers who defiantly took the short-bus to toy-making school. And for some reason, it’s always one of these two knuckle-heads that end up rescuing Santa and saving Christmas. What the hell are we doing, people? After all the joy he’s brought to the world, can we not even let Santa be the hero of his own damn movie? Well, Jingle Hell Rock will fix all that and if you guys have 1/10th of the fun reading it as I did writing it, then you are all in for a very Merry Christmas. God bless us, everyone.
Title: Boy Santa
Genre: Family/Animation
Logline: Boy Santa tells the untold life story of a chimney sweep who grew up and created Christmas.
Why You Should Read: I’m a Santa expert. I could tell you about reindeer on the Mongolian steppes who get high gorging on Amanita muscaria mushrooms––those red-and-white spotted ones growing beneath pine trees on Victorian Christmas cards. I could tell you how the village shaman collected the reindeer urine––now filtered of its toxicity––and shared it in the communal yurt with the herders. Of the stories they told of flying with their reindeer while passing around a bowl of psychoactive brew. How the shaman wore a red coat with white spots in homage to the sacred fungus; how when the entrance was covered with a snow-drift he’d enter the yurt through the chimney opening. Or how those Silk Road traders brought this story back to the west to create the man in red we know today. And the lucky charm of the chimney sweep was that mushroom known as the ‘fly ageric.’
That’s the truth, and here’s the fiction.
In the flood of biopics one beloved character has been overlooked…Santa Claus. Boy Santa is an origin story that explains all the myths: the red coat, the elves, the gifts, his immortality…everything. Boy Santa is about friendship, family and giving, filled with memorable, larger-than-life characters who learn to believe in themselves when others do not. Seen through Rudolph’s eyes with a childlike sense of wonder, it’s a highly marketable IP idea with repeated seasonal revenues. I hope you enjoy the script. Thank you for your consideration. Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Don’t forget. You have one week left to turn your script in for the HOLIDAY AMATEUR SHOWDOWN. Must be a late-year holiday-themed script. I’m giving you til next Thursday, December 12, at 8:00 pm Pacific Time. Send the title, genre, logline, why you think it deserves a shot, and, of course, a PDF of the script (you’d be surprised at how many people forget that part), to carsonreeves1@gmail.com
Genre: Action
Logline: A disaffected NYPD cop visiting her daughter in a state-of-the-art hospital is unwittingly caught in a hostage situation when extremists raid the building seeking the cure of a deadly virus.
Why You Should Read: I got my start writing for B-Movie King Roger Corman, which basically means your creative flexibility gets completely strapped by ultra-low budget constraints. I wrote “Hemorrhage” to break free of such restrictions and focus on telling a story about a hard-pressed mother struggling to mend old wounds between her sick daughter, albeit with armed extremists threatening to rip apart what little bond they have left. I love the thrill of a good action movie, especially ones with compelling antagonists whose motives aren’t simply black or white and make us truly fear for the principal characters’ lives. If you get a kick out of the same thing, then you’ll have a blast reading “Hemorrhage.”
Writer: Justin Fox
Details: 108 pages
When I conceived of Action Week, this is exactly what I imagined. A good old-fashioned balls-to-the-wall action flick. But I realized something while reading “Hemorrhage,” which is that reading action scripts is challenging. Action is meant to be experienced visually. It isn’t meant to be conveyed in words. There are only so many “He jumps,” “She shoots,” “They runs,” “It explodes,” a reader can take before they tune out.
This is why I encourage writers to come up with action concepts and set pieces that are unique in some way. The more uniqueness you can bring, the more you disrupt the pattern. “Gravity” comes to mind. That movie had so many unique action scenes because of the story’s unique setup. Or that library book attack scene in John Wick 3. That’s the sort of stuff you need to put on the page.
Let’s see how Hemorrhage fared in this department.
An American doctor in Afghanistan is trying to help contain a deadly virus when she, herself, gets infected. She’s tossed on a plane and flown back to New York City so she can be treated. Meanwhile, 35 year old cop Laken Atwood is finishing up the day’s beat so she can get to her daughter, Piper’s, lung surgery. Piper’s lung was punctured due to a car accident where Laken was driving. So Piper’s not exactly thrilled to see her mom.
While this is going on, terrorists led by creepy frenchman, Cedric, creepier fake doctor, Mateo, and Mateo’s angry younger sister, Ana, show up at the hospital the Afghanistan doctor is being sent to and start killing everyone they see. They then withdraw blood from the woman, which no doubt they will use to kill large portions of populations at some point in the future.
In case you were wondering, this is the same hospital Piper is staying at. So when Laken and Piper hear all the shooting, Laken knows it’s time to high-tail it out of here. There are a few problems though. One, Piper is connected to a computer thing that’s keeping her lung pumping. Two, Laken’s husband, Danny, is downstairs grabbing snacks. And three, New York is in the midst of a storm so bad the streets have turned into lakes.
Laken tries to construct an escape plan but the terrorists are on them quickly. Laken kills Emil AND Ana, which makes Mateo so angry, he momentarily ditches his plan to destroy the world so he can find this pesky cop and kill her. Eventually he’s able to get his hands on Piper and does the unthinkable – HE INJECTS HER WITH THE VIRUS!!! This gives Piper a couple of hours to live. So now Laken will have to retrieve her daughter from the terrorists and somehow find the vaccine before Piper bites it. Will she succeed?
I like what Fox did with his characters.
He made this about the mother-daughter relationship. A lot of action writers don’t care about character stuff. But if you can create characters who a) we want to root for, and b) have a conflict that we want to see resolved, we’re going to be a heck of a lot more invested in your story.
I also liked the way the setup made our hero’s job more challenging. Laken isn’t the female John McClane. She doesn’t get to roam free through a building wherever she wants. She has to protect her daughter who’s only got one lung and has to lug around an apparatus in order to breathe. That was good.
And my favorite part of the script was when they jammed the virus into Piper. Now you’ve got this literal ticking time bomb that’s going to go off ON TOP OF Laken needing to get her daughter back from the terrorists. All of that was great.
But every time it felt like this script took a step forward, it would take two steps back. Let’s start with the storm. If you’re using something to create a convenience in your story that is so big it could be a movie on its own, that’s a problem. Fox needed to create a reason why cops couldn’t just descend upon this hospital and rescue everyone. So we get a storm so intense it’s creating rivers on the streets. I don’t know if that’s ever happened in New York history. If the thing you’re using to plug up a pot hole is so big it could be its own film (A flooded New York City!), people aren’t going to buy it.
Then you had the dad. He was clearly the weakest character in the script. The guy goes missing for long stretches of time without an explanation. What I’m guessing happened is that Fox never truly understood the dad so there wasn’t any commitment to the character. All writers run into this problem. At a certain point, if you’re not going to fully commit to a character, you have to cut bait. The dad could’ve died a few years ago. He and Laken could be divorced and he lives in another state. But he definitely shouldn’t have been here in this hospital.
And, finally, I didn’t understand Mateo’s plan. At first we learn that the terrorists fighting for him are doing so because he planned to use this virus to save people. How do you use a virus to save people? It didn’t technically matter since he was lying to them and was always going to use it as a weapon, but we still have to buy into why the terrorists believed such a thing in the first place. And even once we learn that he’s going to use it as a weapon, it isn’t clear who he’s going to target or how. And then, late in the movie, we establish that Piper needs to get the vaccine which means that… there’s a vaccine. So how is this virus going to kill a bunch of people if we have a vaccine for it? As your villain’s ultimate plan emerges, we should feel more and more satisfied, not more and more confused.
But hey, this is Amateur Action Showdown. So what about the action, Carson!?
The action was fine. My favorite sequence was the sky-bridge. That felt unique to the situation and therefore it popped as the most memorable of the action sequences. But everything else was standard shoot-shoot-duck-hide-shoot-fight-shoot. There wasn’t a lot of creativity. I implore action writers everywhere to do as little of the generic action stuff as possible. We can get generic action anywhere. What action can we only get from your movie? Figure that out and you’re going to come up with tons more creative action scenes. Like the “attacked at the border highway” scene in Sicario. I’d never seen anything like that before.
This is probably stale advice to you, at this point. I talk about it all the time. But, it’s one of the main things that distinguishes the writers who stay stuck on the outside from the ones who make millions of dollars. The writers who can come up with original situations within the genres they specialize in will stand out PRECISELY BECAUSE the majority of writers do not bother to go the extra mile.
This isn’t to say Fox’s script was too generic. Not at all. It’s simply that it wasn’t creative enough. If I were to rate it on a scale of 1-10, I’d give it a 6. Which is respectable because most of the action scripts I read are 5 and below. I could even see Hemorrhage sneaking into the 9 or 10 slot on my Best Amateur Screenplays of the Year list. However, I think this script has another gear or two to it and that Fox needs to really push himself if he wants to get it there.
Script link: Hemorrhage
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: “The Baby Yoda” – In order to make your hero’s journey more difficult, add something fragile that they have to protect. In Mandalorian, it’s Baby Yoda. Here, it’s a physically impaired daughter.
Man, I didn’t know there was this whole hidden action writing community within Scriptshadow. Saw a lot of new faces in the submissions. First of all, thanks to everyone who sent in a submission. Picking loglines was difficult. If you didn’t make it, there’s no reason why a souped-up version can’t make another Amateur Showdown down the line.
A quick note on loglines. This is where a lot of submissions lost out. When you’re uncomfortable writing a logline, it shows. I can feel you searching for how to present your story. So make sure you’re getting feedback on these things. As much as you may hate it, it’s a necessary evil. What happens is that the people who stick around the longest in screenwriting figure loglines out because they have to. So by the very nature of learning how to write a good logline, you are displaying that you’ve dedicated yourself to the craft.
Do not forget we have HOLIDAY SHOWDOWN coming up on Friday, December 13th. If you have a holiday-themed script, send it in by the deadline, which is Thursday, December 12th, at 8:00 pm Pacific Time (I’ve given you two extra hours – use them!). It’d be great if we could celebrate an awesome script before the new year. So stop dwelling on not making Action Showdown and get to writing.
Amateur Showdown is a bi-weekly tournament where I pick five screenplays that were submitted to me and then you, the readers of this site, read as much of each script as possible and vote for your favorite in the comments section. The winner will receive a review the following Friday that could result in props from your peers, representation, a spot on one of the big end-of-the-year screenwriting lists, and in rare cases, a SALE!
In order to participate, e-mail me at carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Include your script title, the genre, a logline, and a pitch to myself and potential readers why you believe your script deserves a shot. It could be long, short, passionate, to-the-point. Whatever you think will convince someone your script is worth opening, make your case. Just like Hollywood, the Scriptshadow readers are a fickle bunch. So be convincing!
Good luck to all the writers this week!
Title: Berserker
Genre: Action
Logline: A ruthless bounty hunter, chasing a million-dollar reward, has one night to capture a vicious terror cell before they can exact their mission of vengeance and escape Jakarta.
Why You Should Read: Intelligence agencies have spent hundreds of millions of dollars on terrorist bounties since 9/11. Insider sources suggest vital information in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden was gained after a senior figure in the Pakistani military received a $25 million reward. Despite this, few movies have examined the crooked underworld of terrorist bounties or the men and women who make their living tracking down the earth’s deadliest militants for cash pay-outs. Berserker is a screenplay embedded in this covert mercenary war but it’s also a relentless no-holds-barred action script playing out across a single bloody night. It comes complete with ambushes, raids, knife fights, shootouts and car chases through the neon-lit streets of Central Jakarta! I think the set-pieces are innovative, the tension is constant and the pace is bullet-fast. At 92 cut-down pages it never stops moving.
Title: HEMORRHAGE
Genre: ACTION
Logline: A disaffected NYPD cop visiting her daughter in a state-of-the-art hospital is unwittingly caught in a hostage situation when extremists raid the building seeking the cure of a deadly virus.
Why You Should Read: I got my start writing for B-Movie King Roger Corman, which basically means your creative flexibility gets completely strapped by ultra-low budget constraints. I wrote “Hemorrhage” to break free of such restrictions and focus on telling a story about a hard-pressed mother struggling to mend old wounds between her sick daughter, albeit with armed extremists threatening to rip apart what little bond they have left. I love the thrill of a good action movie, especially ones with compelling antagonists whose motives aren’t simply black or white and make us truly fear for the principal characters’ lives. If you get a kick out of the same thing, then you’ll have a blast reading “Hemorrhage.”
Title: JOHNSTOWN
Genre: Action/Based on true events
Logline: An engineer, hired to inspect a dam owned by Andrew Carnegie’s secret fishing club, falls in love with an aristocrat’s daughter. During a storm, when the dam he’s trying to save fails, he must outrace the floodwaters to JOHNSTOWN to save her.
Why You Should Read: I don’t think the world spent two billion dollars for the Jack and Rose love story, meaning the draw for this story is the flood itself. This is the story of one of the worst disasters to ever befall the United States. There have been numerous documentaries, but not really a feature film. As we all know, it’s a feature film which gives a story both reach and emotional impact. I was born and raised in Johnstown. This story is part of my DNA. There are details in this script you won’t find in any book.
Title: Kamikaze
Genre: Action
Logline: After her creator is killed in a terrorist attack, an emotionally charged android, suffering from a fatal virus, struggles to hunt down the mercenaries responsible.
Why You Should Read: Kamikaze is a non-stop, can’t catch your breath action script. It’s placed very well in screenwriting competitions (finalist), it nabbed me a manager (we’ve since parted), but the script hasn’t gotten much traction. I’m really wanting to know if there’s something I’m missing, and if I genuinely have what it takes to make it. — The main character, Ali, in an android that can’t seem to keep her emotions in check, which is a major drawback to those that created her. The script plays with the concept of logic vs. emotion and how they can help/hinder in various situations. — Thank you for the opportunity to give it a read.
Title: The Third Wonder
Genre: Action
Logline: An art recovery specialist is sent to Iraq on the eve of Shock and Awe to determine if a missing drone’s last transmission proves the existence of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
Why You Should Read: I suppose the best way to answer this question is to first explain why I wrote it and what makes me believe that a year+ of my life is worth only the prospect of an hour+ of yours. Well… since a kid, I’ve always been fascinated with the Seven Wonders of the World, in particular, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon (meh, true and kinda nostalgic, but who really cares what I was into as a kid). With fact-based fiction as a guide, and since Babylon is only 60 miles from Baghdad, it seems logical that if the Gardens were ever to resurface it would’ve happened during the exhaustive search for WMD leading up to the Iraqi invasion (yep, tough to argue, but a 118 pages of this). The main character’s questionable moral compass and haunting family legacy make him better at his job, but will it cost him a chance at redemption? (intentionally vague—okay, but an art guy as the protag in an action flick?). A socially conscious look at the ownership of art and how it corresponds to a country’s cultural identity (it’s there, but seriously??). The sweeping geographical locations and the recreation of the only lost wonder of the world will be a feast for the eyes (yep, this will cost a fortune to make). With seven wonders come seven storylines (one down, six to go:).
Sometimes I’ll read an AO script because I like the logline, sometimes I’ll read one because of the genre, sometimes I’ll read one just to get an idea of what the competition is up to, but I always fall back on this one fundamentally basic reason—reading makes you a better writer.
A quick reminder to get those entries in for Amateur Action Showdown and Amateur Holiday Showdown. For more details on the showdowns and how to submit, go here.
Genre: Thriller
Premise: Upon landing for her business trip in a personal s@#%-storm, a woman climbs into the wrong Lyft and finds herself at the mercy of an unknown driver.
Why You Should Read: After grabbing a Lyft from the chaos that is JFK on a Friday night, the thought of “what if this wasn’t my ride” hit like a sledgehammer. Drowsy after a six-hour flight. In the dark trying to spot license plates that all look the same, maybe a number or letter off from one another. This easily could not be my ride, and if it isn’t, who is this guy driving me? Does anyone know I’m in this guy’s car, at this moment? Or am I lost, potentially forever if the driver so desires? (there was more to this WYSR but I had to cut it short for the review – too long).
Writer: Walon Costello
Details: 85 pages (this is an updated drafted from last week)
This last Amateur Showdown had some voting issues that I don’t want to get too caught up in. There were votes cast that ended up not being legit and after talking to everyone involved, it seemed like an honest misunderstanding of the rules. Still, the tally for the first (Palomino) and second (Lifted) highest voted scripts was close enough that I decided to read the first page of each to decide on which one to review.
I liked both first pages equally and therefore I had to go to secondary criteria, which was page count. “Lifted” was 86 pages and “Palomino” was 116 pages. Also, I was familiar with Walon and the strong potential of his previous script, Grisly. That’s why I went with Lifted.
With that out of the way, let’s get into the plot!
When we meet 30 year old Liz Baker, she’s landing at Denver International Airport. Seconds after she touches down, she does what everyone else does, which is turn on their phones and start checking their messages. The first text she sees is from a guy she’s hooking up with later. The second text she receives is from her husband, Jerry.
While in the shuttle to her hotel, she calls Jerry, who’s extremely mad. We quickly learn that the two have recently separated and that Jerry wants reconciliation. When Liz explains to him that that’s not going to happen, seemingly for the umpteenth time, Jerry’s anger escalates. And, at the end of the conversation, he apologizes for what he’s about to do.
Within minutes, Liz starts receiving urgent messages from everyone. It turns out Jerry has posted nude photos of Liz on her Facebook page. Liz gets dropped off at her hotel and is so overwhelmed by the situation, she doesn’t think twice about getting in a Lyft car to go meet her new man. After calling work and trying to explain the situation to her boss, Liz is already five minutes into the ride. When she senses that the driver is acting weird, she confirms their pickup details, which it turns out are wrong. This isn’t her Lyft car. That’s okay, the driver, David, says. Sometimes this happens. He’ll still bring her to her destination, the Art Hotel.
While Liz tries to manage the naked pictures fallout on her phone, David keeps interrupting her, wanting to chat. He wants to know where she’s from, what she’s doing here, and why she seems so upset. Distracted, Liz is barely able to answer his questions. The more David talks, the sketchier he sounds, so Liz downgrades Operation Naked Picture Fallout, and prioritizes Operation Who the F&*% Is This Dude? When David misses their exit, she’s convinced he’s going to kill her.
The funny thing is, he never does anything *that* bad. There are plenty of suspicious actions, but they all seem to have an explanation. For example, when she can’t seem to open her window, he proves to her the back windows are broken. So is this guy actually dangerous? Or is Liz being paranoid.
In the script’s best moment, we arrive at the hotel. It turns out David REALLY WAS just driving her there. And there’s still 30 pages to go! Liz stumbles into the hotel to meet her hot online crush, says to give her a moment to put herself together and then come meet her in their hotel room. There’s only one problem. Good old Jerry is waiting for her in the room. And now she truly is in danger.
The “stuck inside a taxi” concept is not new. It’s been around for a long time. Since ride-sharing became a thing, I’ve seen many people cover this concept from that angle as well. And that’s not to say it’s a stale idea. Being stuck in a car with any type of conflict is a compelling situation when done well. Recent Black List script Daddio comes to mind.
But the writing has to be sharp since you’ve only got two characters, a small space, and a lot of time to fill. Your plotting and dialogue have to be on point. I was looking forward to Lifted, especially after Grisly. But there were a handful of problems at the conceptual stage that kept this from meeting its potential.
First let me say that Walon’s approach to the story looked good on paper. You place this girl in a car dealing with the immediate aftermath of a failed marriage, a potentially career-ending problem, a chatty Lyft driver, and a growing suspicion that the driver is kidnapping her, and you’ve got the ingredients for a conflict-infused movie.
But too many important story choices derailed that setup.
For starters, someone posting naked selfies of a person in order to destroy their career is a 2008 plot device. It’s dated. And so, immediately, the movie felt dated. It’s like Amy Pascal notoriously buying Sex Tape 10 years after the surprise of sex tapes was a thing.
Next, we live in the immediate aftermath of the #metoo era. That means you must run every one of your script choices through that lens. Here you have a controlling ex-husband who’s saying terrible things to Liz on the phone. Then he posts naked selfies of her online. Then she gets in the car of what appears to be a psycho man who’s trying to kidnap her, all so she can go bang someone she barely knows from Tinder, and then later she’s attacked by three other men.
Sure, Liz wins in the end. But the industry is not going to favor a movie where a girl is controlled and humiliated and beaten up for 87 minutes and then fights back for the last three. But we never should’ve gotten that far in the first place because the setup should’ve been changed. You’re taking a person who something bad happens to then placing them in another situation where something bad happens to them.
That’s not the way good movie narratives work. You either want to start with someone in a good place then drop them in a bad place, or vice versa. Rarely does bad with bad and good with good work. You need the contrast. This would’ve worked better had Liz been on a high for some reason, and then slowly realizes she’s in a dangerous situation.
On top of that, her goal – to meet Tinder Guy – doesn’t make sense. And this goes back to something I constantly drill into screenwriters heads yet they keep ignoring me for some reason. I don’t know why it doesn’t register because it’s a deadly screenwriting mistake.
PUT YOURSELF IN THE HERO’S SHOES AND ASK IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’D DO.
You’ve just been publicly humiliated with naked pictures posted all across your media platforms. Your job is in danger. You are being shamed by men. Men are messaging you telling you all the things they want to do with you sexually. A) Wouldn’t you stop everything and call Facebook and everyone else until those pictures were deleted? I’m pretty sure that’s how I’d handle it. And B) this meetup seems to be purely sexual. I’m not a woman so I can’t say this for sure. But I’m guessing that you wouldn’t be in a sexy-time mood right after this happened. So I don’t know why she’s going to see this guy. It doesn’t make any sense.
I’ll give Walon credit. When it turned out David really was dropping her off at the hotel, I was shocked. I truly didn’t know where the story was going next. And that was exciting. But then Jerry arrives and he’s so “one-dimensional 80s villain,” I was pulled out of the story again. From there, the script felt like it was trying too hard to weave all of the backstory into the final payoff.
If Walon really likes this idea, here’s how I would approach it. Liz lands and messages her hookup. This time, however, Liz isn’t getting separated from her husband. She’s married. Yes, this risks making Liz unlikable but it makes her a much more interesting character. From there, no naked selfies online. A big problem at work occurs, but it’s all about work. This gives Liz something to fix while she’s in the Lyft. From there – and this is the major change – it isn’t a male driver. It’s a female driver. Here’s why I’d make that change: IT’S ALWAYS A MALE DRIVER. In every single one of these scenarios. Always always always. It’d be way more interesting if it was a female. Liz would be more trusting of a female driver. We’d be more trusting of a female driver. Which is what’ll make it all the more shocking when she turns out to be dangerous.
That’s how I would approach it anyway. Either way, good luck to Walon. I’m sure we’ll see more of his work soon on Amateur Showdown.
Script link: Lifted
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: You should always identify what makes your idea unique and draw all of your story and character ideas from that pool. Before Uber and Lyft existed, taxis were driven exclusively by men. So when writers came up with this idea back then, they naturally always had the driver be a man. With Uber and Lyft, female drivers became commonplace. Therefore, including a female driver in a movie like this immediately separates you from all the other ideas like it in the past.
Okay, so here’s the deal. Pay attention! We’re going to do TWO MORE Amateur Showdowns after this one and that will wrap up 2019. The first of these will be an ACTION GENRE SHOWDOWN. That will take place on Friday, November 22. In order to be a part of that , you must have your action script sent to me by Thursday, November 21, 6:00 pm Pacific Time. All action hybrid genres can compete. Straight Action, Action-Comedy, Action-Thriller, Action-Sci-fi. Send’em on in!
Then, on Friday, December 13th, we’re going to have the HOLIDAY GENRE SHOWDOWN. If you have a holiday-themed script, send it on in. And since you have over a month, if you’ve got a good holiday script concept, maybe try and write it. It was just the other week that a script that was written in a single week won. So it’s certainly possible something written in a month can claim top prize. The deadline for that one is Thursday, December 12th, 6:00 pm Pacific Time.
Amateur Showdown is a bi-weekly screenplay tournament where I pick five scripts that were submitted to me and then you, the readers of this site, read as much of each script as possible and vote for your favorite in the comments section. The winner will receive a review the following Friday that could result in props from your peers, representation, a spot on one of the big end-of-the-year screenwriting lists, and in rare cases, a SALE!
In order to participate, e-mail me at carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Include in the e-mail the script title, the genre, a logline, and a pitch to myself and potential readers why you believe your script deserves a shot. It could be long, short, passionate, to-the-point. Whatever you think will convince someone your script is worth opening, make your case. Just like Hollywood, the Scriptshadow readers are a fickle bunch. So be convincing!
In the meantime, here are THIS WEEK’S entries. I think we’ve got a few good ones in here. Good luck to all!
Title: THE HUNTED
Genre: Social Commentary/Zombie-Horror
Logline: When a virus turns all males into feral zombies known as predators, a mother and her daughter become their prey and must evade capture while crossing the Australian desert to reach an alleged safe house.
Why You Should Read: Readers beware, there’s a new type of zombie on the horizon and it’s unlike anything you’ve seen before….
Several months ago now, my horror script ‘Raw Meat’ won the Amateur Friday Showdown, and it even managed to crack Carson’s Top Ten Amateur Scripts of the Year (number eight). ‘The Hunted’ is my latest horror script. In the zombie film premise, I saw a chance to explore the current social divide that exists between men and women, a divide culminating in the #MeToo movement. This is a fast-paced zombie flick, with a twist on the zombie premise that actually has something to say. Plenty of scares, my best character work yet, and an easy read are just some of the reasons to flip it open and give it a try.
Title: BORED TO LIFE
Genre: Dramedy
Logline: A mysterious runaway teenage girl helps a lonely, sugar-addicted ex-military man to rekindle with the love of his life, in exchange for a place to stay.
Why You Should Read: I’m well aware that ‘mysterious’ is vague, but the character lies about her identity a lot and it’s the biggest reveal of the story, amongst many other twists and turns. I didn’t want to spoil it for the sake of the logline. Maybe I’m wrong, you tell me…
In this story, the duo works well because of their differences, that much-needed contrast that makes an unusual relationship memorable. They’re quirky and fun, full of personality, share chemistry, and are both lying through their teeth, which makes them both entertainingly unreliable until the truth reveals itself. — The script has been praised for its voice and humor. It’s right there from the first scene if you don’t believe it. If you don’t laugh or smile at the introductory scene, stop reading… but you won’t! Hopefully… Thanks :)
Title: Palomino
Genre: Crime-Thriller/Drama
Logline: Determined to stay straight, an ex-con becomes bodyguard to a wealthy couple, but is soon caught up in a dangerous game when he’s blackmailed into committing crimes on their behalf.
Why You Should Read: On the surface, Palomino is a slow burn neo-noir, but underneath, it’s also a bittersweet, haunting love story. Inspired by the films and visual flair of Nicolas Winding Refn and David Fincher, Palomino features compelling characters and an unforgettable climax. — Palomino came about during my recent professional breakthrough as a screenwriter. I’ve been a struggling writer for years. And although I’m still not repped, my drama screenplay was recently filmed with some great name talent! We’re currently looking for a distributor. — On set, a story idea I had been playing with came into focus on our main location, which I thought was the perfect setting for a neo-noir. Later, outlining the first draft, I religiously read and re-read Carson’s posts on structure and character. I hope I’ve properly utilized some of his wisdom here. — Thank you to all who read it, and a big thanks to Carson for his site and invaluable advice over the years.
Title: Renaissance Men
Genre: Action, Comedy
Logline: In 16th-century Rome, astronomical badass Nicolaus Copernicus seeks papal approval for his radical new theory about the universe, but after he’s framed for the Pope’s kidnapping, he’ll risk his life and legacy to track down the real abductors.
Why You Should Read: I’ve always loved history. I just wish it could be funnier. If I had a time machine, I probably wouldn’t use it kill baby Hitler. Instead, I’d just swap him with baby Charlie Chaplin who was born a mere four days earlier. But since the latest version of Final Draft is easier to get my hands on than a functioning time machine, I decided to write Renaissance Men. A hilarious adventure that pits some of Renaissance Europe’s biggest egos including Copernicus, Machiavelli, Nostradamus and Michelangelo against each other in a high stakes game of cat and mouse.
I had many reasons why I wanted to write this. First, I knew it would be a lot of fun. Second, I was sure I could generate a ton of laughs. And last but not least, because a story about how the rich and powerful will cover up scientific truth to protect their political interests is even more relevant today than it was 500 years ago.
Title: Lifted
Genre: Thriller
Logline: Upon landing for her business trip in a personal s@#%-storm, a woman climbs into the wrong Lyft and finds herself at the mercy of an unknown driver.
Why You Should Read: After grabbing a Lyft from the chaos that is JFK on a Friday night, the thought of “what if this wasn’t my ride” hit like a sledgehammer. Drowsy after a six-hour flight. In the dark trying to spot license plates that all look the same, maybe a number or letter off from one another. This easily could not be my ride, and if it isn’t, who is this guy driving me? Does anyone know I’m in this guy’s car, at this moment? Or am I lost, potentially forever if the driver so desires?
The driver asks me if the address I give him is in Bushwick. This is my third time in New York, first time visiting this buddy at this apartment so I don’t know. How easy would it be for this guy to drive me to the wrong street, put me in a situation I could never fathom.
Fifteen minutes of typing out these thoughts on my phone while my girlfriend stared at me like I was a lunatic turned the rest of vacation into figuring out this story.
LIFTED is a contained thriller, somewhere between Locke and Buried, and hopefully just as produceable as the two. It feeds off the rideshare setting which has yet to fully be tapped for its dramatic potential. I hope LIFTED may generate an onslaught of creativity in utilizing the setting and showing just how strange rideshare can be in comparison to its predecessors.
I hope you find the above interesting enough to crack LIFTED open. If not, thank you for even the momentary passing thought. I appreciate all notes, good and bad and everything in-between.
Thank you again for giving LIFTED the time of day.
P.S. Since someone may bring it up/ask, I didn’t go with LYFTED because I knew that, in the long run, the film would never reach the screen with that title. I worked relatively close to a previous film that had some issues with the rideshare business including the use of IP. So, to compromise, I went with LIFTED, as in steal.
