Genre: Sci-Fi
Premise: In the near future, a large-scale science experiment on an American space station goes haywire, eliminating earth from space. The occupants of the space station must then deal with a rogue space shuttle that may have nefarious plans for the crew.
About: Writer Oren Uziel is best known for his somewhat wacky premises. In his breakthrough screenplay, Shimmer Lake, he told his story backwards. In his next script, Kitchen Sink, he tackled aliens, zombies and vampires. The God Particle is his first screenplay that takes a grounded approach to a premise, albeit one steeped in science fiction.
Writer: Oren Uzeil
Details: 110 pages
Oren’s one of my favorite writers. You’re just never sure what you’re going to get when you open one of his scripts. And you can’t say that for a lot of writers. Oren first came to my attention when he won the Austin Film Festival screenwriting contest with his backwards tale, Shimmer Lake. It was one of the few times I’ve seen that gimmick used in a way that actually helped the story, and wasn’t just a cheap way to get reads.
But that was a small town hick tale. This is the future. In outer space. And it’s the first time Oren’s told a grounded story. The characters aren’t layered in sarcasm or broader than a 3 Stooges sketch or steeped in tongue-in-cheek dialogue. Which means Oren has no “special effects” to fall back on. He has to tell everything straight-up. And that’s when it gets hard folks – having to create REAL people. I actually know very few writers who can pull it off consistently. Does Oren join the club?
The God Particle introduces us to space station “Dandelion,” which consists of Ava Hamilton, an engineer and the de facto captain of the station (I think – that’s never clear), her boyfriend, Evan, the boyish Miika, the pious “Monk,” the shaggy-haired ship screw-up, Mundy, as well as a few others.
This station’s been orbiting earth for a few years, which is probably a good thing because earth isn’t doing so hot. There’s an escalating war between the U.S. and Europe, with each side sending troops over for a massive offensive. Not sure what us and Europe would fight over (the metric system maybe?) but apparently things are getting pretty nasty.
The Dandelion was built to house one of those particle accelerator thingys. A little unclear on the need for one of those puppies up in space (seems kind of expensive doesn’t it?) but maybe it has something to do with that one in Sweden breaking down if you so much as sneeze near it. Well, if you want to talk about a breakdown, let’s talk about what happens when Dandelion runs its first particle acceleration experiment. The goddamn earth disappears!!! Now that is a fireable offense.
After some really pissed off astronauts regroup, they wonder what the hell they’re going to do. Imagine never being able to go to Chipotle again! Sooo not okay. So the station does what orbit-less space stations do best, drift around in nothingness for awhile. Until – that is – spotting an incoming space shuttle. But not just any space shuttle – a EUROPEAN space shuttle. Looks like that century old debate of meters or yards will be solved after all. Possibly over a game of darts!
After the Europeans convince the stupid Americans to let them board, people start dying. The first one to go is Hamilton’s boyfriend, Evan, who’s poisoned. The problem is, Hamilton’s not convinced the Europeans did it. She thinks it might have been one of her OWN men. Well by gosh, we just stumbled upon a good old fashioned whodunit, didn’t we?
This is followed by a number of twists and surprises, such as the true nature behind the particle accelerator, and pretty soon it looks like no one’s coming out of this thing alive. So Hamilton will have to put her best private detective hat on while keeping both crews from each other’s throats, and come up with a solution before humanity as we know it is barbecued.
I don’t know if my standards have gone up in recent weeks or the scripts I’m reading have gone down, but I’m having a hard time endorsing screenplays lately. The God Particle is okay but I’m just not sure it’s a big enough idea. I’ve read a half a dozen of these “stuck on a space station – try to get back to earth” scripts, so I’ve pretty much seen it all. And unfortunately God Particle doesn’t introduce anything new to the equation.
Actually, I shouldn’t say that. We do have the “whodunnit” aspect, which bookends a nifty little Act 2 sequence. But I can watch a whodunnit anywhere. I’m not sure putting it in space adds anything new to the mix.
Also, there were a few unclear plot points which had a fairly significant effect on the read. For example, I couldn’t figure out if this was some sort of half-ship/half-station or if it was JUST a station. What confused me is that they kept saying it took them a month to receive signals from earth. If they’re orbiting earth, why would it take a month to receive radio/television signals? Wouldn’t it only take, like, a few minutes?
The reason this is a big deal is because at the end of the first act, the earth disappears. And I was trying to figure out if the earth was a 2 month trip from where they were or just right next to them. Cause if it was the former, it would be a lot harder to pinpoint earth, increasing the odds that they’d made a mistake. The point is – it was unnecessarily confusing! And you can’t have confusion surrounding ANY major plot points. It’s those key points that, if unclear, can confuse the hell out of a reader and make him give up on the story.
Another issue is the darn characters. There just weren’t any that stood out. Hamilton, the lead (I’m still confused about whether she was the engineer or the captain or both) was about as bland as it gets, which is strange, since Oren’s written such interesting characters in the past. There just didn’t seem to be any conflict going on inside of her, or outside of her for that matter. Even when her lover was killed early on, she seemed indifferent to it, which was bizarre.
And then we had Monk, the religious character, who was about as on-the-nose as a freckle. He’s a religious character who’s…religious! He just talks about God the whole time. There’s no new angle there, nothing to grab onto or surprise you. When you’re writing “stereotype” characters, particularly ones with strong ideologies, like religious characters, I always advise adding irony to spice them up! For example, maybe Monk’s a religious man who’s addicted to a drug or extremely violent or even swears all the time! You know what I mean? Just give me something so it’s not so obvious and on-the-nose.
And this issue reared its ugly head in all the characters, none of whom had that necessary trait to make them stand out from the pack (or from previous movies). And obviously, if the characters are boring, the plot doesn’t matter. Who cares how cool a plot is if we don’t care about the people in it?
And the unfortunate thing here was, the plot had its moments. One of my favorite parts (spoiler) was when the Europeans turned out to be military and had successfully tricked the Americans (who they’d always planned on killing). It was a plot twist with all sorts of potential but, again, because the characters were so bland, we just didn’t care that much.
God Particle is well-written but lacks all those exceptional amenities that make a script stand out.
What I Learned: You need at least one character in your sci-fi script (and really any script) who’s just really fucking unique. They have to be different from any character you’ve seen before, or else what’s the point? Look at Riddick from Pitch Black. He’s blind. He’s a murderer. But he’s also a hero. Look at his adversary, Johns. He’s a bounty hunter who’s addicted to drugs. He’s more morally bankrupt than Riddick himself. You gotta push yourself in this area because if you just create a bunch of “normal” characters and no one stands out, you’re going to have, at best, an average script.
In my rabid attempts to find an apartment, I wasn’t able to get today’s review up before my 4 hour ascension to 30,000 feet. Which means a late post. I want to take this time, however, to thank everyone who sent me apartment prospects. I went through ALL of them. Unfortunately, I still haven’t found a place. I think what I’m going to do is come back here August 1st, sublet a place for a month or two, and just become an apartment-hunting Nazi. From my experience, I’ve learned that you basically need to make apartment-hunting your job if you’re going to find a good place. So, with that said, if you guys find anything amazing in the meantime, send it to me! I’m still offering a script read and notes to anyone who finds me my place. — Now hang tight. I’ll have a review up later in the day. Oh, and no, I didn’t send out this week’s newsletter yet. Too busy.
Genre: Action/Sci-fi
What I wouldn’t do for a time machine this week! It’s Friday and I still haven’t found a place. I need to go back to Monday and, knowing what I know now, search better and more efficiently. With that said, THANK YOU for all the e-mails yesterday. You guys have given me a ton of apartment leads to follow-up on. I’ll keep you posted on how those go on Twitter. And please, keep them coming!
ALSO, thank you to all the Scriptshadow readers who came out last night! I had a blast meeting everyone in person and everybody was super-cool. My only regret is that I didn’t have more time to spend with each individual person. But maybe I’ll do it again when I move out here in a month. Assuming I have a place that is. And hey, what’s the worst that can happen if I don’t find a place? I’ll be one of the many homelesses. Being homeless in LA is almost trendy.
Return Fire begins with an earthquake in Switzerland. But something’s funky enough about this earthquake that it gets the American military curious. They think it might be a nuke testing of some sort. What the Swiss would be doing testing nukes, who knows? But the point is, the military wants to send in a Special Forces unit to check it out.
That unit is basically headed up by Jonathan “Santa” Santarelli, a young hotshot defined more by his war decorated grandfather than anything he’s achieved. We also have Hawks, a hot chick who’s deft at throwing knives around, Dang, a Cuban who’s obsessed with Star Trek, and a number of other dudes who really enjoy being the biggest badasses on the planet.
So our team flies to Switzerland, locates the epicenter of the earthquake, and finds a hidden bunker there with a couple of dead Nazis and a strange nuclear reactor thingy inside. Seems they’ve stumbled upon a secret Nazi science experiment gone wrong. Certainly nothing to worry about right now though. But as they prepare to leave, there’s a big flash, they pass out, they wake up, and the bunker now looks clean and shiny. Not just that, but those dead Nazi bodies are gone!
Of course Dang thinks they’ve travelled back in time but no one else is buying it – yet. Once they’re attacked by a few Nazis, though, public consensus sways. As hard as it is to believe…they may have just been transported back to 1945, two months before the end of World War 2!
A simple mission all of a sudden becomes, “How the hell do we get back to the present?” After cornering a Nazi scientist who’s a part of the time-travelling experiment, they learn that unless they kill a really bad Nazi (who’s realized via the Americans’ arrival that the Germans lose the war), there’s a good chance Hitler will be informed of the loss and travel back in time to start the war over again, this time making sure he doesn’t fuck it up. So it’s sort of like my apartment hunting issue. Without the threat of a thousand year Reich.
Okay so here’s the good news. This script is probably the best script of the week. The writing here is really strong. Paragraphs are short and packed with information. They’re easy to read. And a lot has been put into the prose. For example, here’s an early line in the script: “In the smoky doorway, SERGEANT MAJOR JACOBS (50s) leans on the jamb, a hard, lean man with a lined face and hair speckled a wise grey.”
So the script was just really easy and fun to read. However, there was something missing here and as I look back on it, I’m not entirely sure what it was. That’ll happen to me sometimes. I’ll read a script that, for all intents and purposes, has very little “wrong” with it. And yet there’s something that just doesn’t do it for me.
To find the issues, I usually ask myself a simple question: “What didn’t you like?” The first thing that pops out at me is that the story isn’t exceptional. It’s serviceable. It explores the premise. I’m just not sure it explores it in an interesting or unique enough way. Once we get back to 1945, the story devolves into a series of small tasks that revolve around finding this Nazi Bad Guy who may or may not tell Hitler they’ve lost the war, which would result in Hitler MAYBE going back in time and starting the war over again.
When I have to play “maybe or maybe not connect-the-dots motivation,” I’m not nearly as invested in the story. I like when motivations are crisp and clean. Taken. Save his daughter or she disappears forever. I get that. It’s not that “connect-the-dots motivation” can’t work. It’s just a gamble, especially when you couple it with a “maybe” scenario. That was the thing. I was never sure exactly what the Nazi bad guy was going to do OR what Hitler would do with the information once he got it.
And yet I’m not sure if that’s the main reason Return Fire didn’t pop for me. I think another issue is that nothing really shocking happened. Nothing surprising. And that’s a problem when you have a time-travel film. Just the nature of the concept necessitates some shocking things to happen.
For example, when Marty gets sent back in time in Back To The Future, how boring would the movie have been if all he had to do was get back? The surprising twist that makes that screenplay one of the best ever is that Marty accidentally gets hit by the car that has his mother fall in love with him instead of his father (who was the one who was SUPPOSED to get hit by the car). So now it isn’t just about getting back. It’s about making his mom fall out of love with him and in love with his father. That’s what made the script pop.
Here we have a nice little storyline with Santa running into the young version of his highly decorated grandfather, but I’m not sure anything interesting is really done with the storyline. It’s sort of like the writers want us to be excited just by the fact that they’ve integrated this character into the past. That’s not clever. That’s the BEGINNING of clever. You still have to do something inventive with that, as well as something surprising with the rest of the time-travel plot.
With that being said, these writers do have a future in Hollywood. Their writing is taut, professional, and easy to read. They understand mechanics and structure. For example, the characters always have a goal they’re going after (i.e Get back to the helicopter drop point, find and kill the Nazi Bad Guy), so the script is always pushing towards something. I just wish the things they were pushing towards were a little more interesting and unexpected. It was like the writers pushed right up to that 75% point of their imaginations and stopped.
Return Fire is one of those “almost” screenplays. You read it. You see a lot of good things. But afterwards, you leave wanting more. If the writers push themselves on the time travel elements, they might be able to make this work. Right now, unfortunately, it’s too standard.
Script link: Return Fire
What I learned: You have to remember that you are competing against MILLIONS OF PEOPLE’S imaginations in the scriptwriting game. Thousands of those people are pushing their imaginations to the brink to come up with something that the next guy hasn’t thought of. If you stop at something that’s simply “good enough,” chances are your script isn’t impressing readers. It’s when you push PAST that point – when you say to yourself, “This is good, but I can come up with something better,” that your screenplays truly start to shine.
Okay, so I have about four days left here in LA and the apartment search is not going well. I’ve been to $2500 apartments that are wedged up against the 10 freeway and have little children with six fingers on each hand running around outside of them. What this unfortunately means is I haven’t had time to write a Thursday article. I’m going to try to later today, but no guarantees.
In the meantime, I need my Scriptshadow network to help me out. Find me a place! I’d preferably like to live in Venice. If not, Santa Monica. If not there, Culver City, maybe West Hollywood, maybe the nice areas of Hollywood, or anywhere on the West Side. No Valley! I want a big cool apartment and I’m willing to pay up to $2500/mo. If someone on this site finds me a place, I will read their script as well as give them a detailed consult, which isn’t cheap! I’ll also get on the phone with them and answer any questions they have. If you find something, email me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com. Please, help me out!!! Thank you!!!
Genre: Horror
Premise: One night every year, strange creatures attack the major cities, killing thousands. Nobody knows who or what these creatures are, and no one can stop them.
About: Grim Night made last year’s Black List AND was purchased last year. The sale was best known for the writers’ inventive idea of making a trailer for their script. Now I’ve been promoting making one-sheets for scripts (e-mail me for details), but I never thought it would go so far as people making trailers for scripts. Cool idea. Check out the trailer below.
Writers: Brandon Bestenheider & Allen Bey
Details: 117 pages
I’m trying to be better. I know I don’t review enough horror scripts on the site and I want to change that. I just got back from a meeting where everyone agreed that the most risk-free way to make a movie was to a make a horror film. So it’s a really lucrative market to explore as a screenwriter.
Why, then, don’t I review them? Cause they’re often juvenile and horribly written, moreso than most genres. Horror writers care about scares and gore and disgusting imagery. They don’t have any interest in story or characters.
Well, Grim Night was a popular sale so I decided to give it a shot. Imagine my reaction, then, when a longtime Scriptshadow reader told me, “You shouldn’t have picked that. It’s the worst screenplay I’ve read in ten years.”
OUCH. Here I was, taking a chance on a horror script, and I happened to pick the worst one in ten years?? Talk about bad luck. However, myself and this reader have disagreed on many scripts in the past (he liked Hugo!!??), which I pointed out to him. He assured me, however, “This one we’ll agree on. Trust me.” Hmmmm…So, did I agree?
Grim Night starts “downtown.” Downtown where? Big city? Medium-sized town? No idea. The slug just says, “Downtown.” Okay, I’ll just make up a location for myself then. Ummm, big city.
Everywhere around this city are warnings. “Never forget,” these warnings warn warningly. “37,112 dead.” News footage fills us in on the rest. Every year, these things called the “Grims” come around and kill thousands of people in all the major cities.
They’re kind of like really nasty trick-or-treaters. They come to your door, ask you for something you don’t want to give them (a watch, a lock of hair), and if you don’t give it to them, they kill you. So for that one night, everybody stays indoors, huddled up, and prays that the Grims don’t bother them. Most people make it through the night just fine. 37,000 deaths is a lot. But over ten years? In all the major cities? As someone points out, you have a better chance of being struck by lightning twice. However, there are others who aren’t so lucky.
Our hosts for Grim Night are the Green family. There’s the father, Paul, who’s just a normal dad who’s occasionally late getting home. There’s the overtly brave 15 year old Sasha. There’s younger brother Josh, whose character development consists of owning a samurai sword. And there’s wife Liz, who takes Grim Night the most seriously (believe it or not, there are some people who don’t worry about Grim Night at all).
The night begins, and after a few false alarms (Josh’s buddy Cooper plays a joke on them), the real Grims show up. The Grims hide under giant “Grim Reaper” like cloaks so you can’t see their faces and instead of walking, they prefer to glide across surfaces.
The Grims are also cheap-asses, because instead of going off and buying their own wives a wedding ring, they demand that Liz give them hers. She reluctantly does and that’s it. The family feels like they’ve passed the test and they can go on with their lives.
Not so fast. Next, the Grims want a lock of Sasha’s hair. And after that, they want Sasha! Paul tries to fight them off but the Grims take Sasha into the night and Paul realizes that as soon as the sun rises, Sasha will be gone forever. So they need to chase the Grim who stole her! Grim-chasing is an inexact science and there are a few stumbling blocks along the way, but in the end they catch up to her and somehow get her back. But, is this Sasha still the Sasha they know? Or is she…like…ummm…evil Sasha now??
The big question: Was this the worst screenplay of the last 10 years? Umm, no. Not even close. Was it a good screenplay? Ehhh…sometimes? I mean, there’s definitely something spooky about what’s going on here. Creepy dudes in cloaks coming to your door and asking for shit. Then killing you if you don’t give it to them. I mean that’s the stuff horror’s made of, right? Being in a completely helpless terrifying situation.
My issue is that I just didn’t buy it. The beginning of the script establishes that this has been going on for years, even though it’s present day. So…going on for years where? In an alternate universe? So you’re asking me to now buy into a world that doesn’t exist? Sure, that’s part of movies. Star Wars doesn’t exist. But the difference here is that everything else is the same. It’s depicted as “reality” when it isn’t reality. The writers have changed our planet’s history in order to set up this scenario, and I just couldn’t get past that.
The other issue I have is how nonsensical everything is. The Grims come by to…take your ring? What are they going to do with a ring? Pawn it at the local pawn shop? I don’t get the sense that after Grim Night they all sit around and play cards, gambling away the things they’ve stolen for kicks. So there has to be some motivation here – some reasoning for this odd behavior. But we never get it.
If you’re going to build a mythology THIS BIG (evil creatures killing thousands across the world), I suggest you know why your antagonists are doing what they’re doing. And I’m not sure the writers know this. Whenever writers don’t know why their characters are doing things, the writing takes on a murky generic feel. The less you know about the why, the more you have to fake it. And readers can always tell when you’re faking it.
Then of course there’s absolutely zero character development. I mean ZERO. Like we don’t even know what was going on in a single character’s life before this screenplay started. The dad could’ve been a lion-tamer a month ago for all I know.
Then there were weird choices that made no sense, like right in the middle of all this terror, Sasha goes upstairs and takes a bath? Uhhh, what??? There were just a lot of weird things like that that popped up.
In the end the script just felt thin. The real coup here is the trailer. The writers understood – as I’ve been telling you guys – that the landscape is changing. You have more avenues to get yourself noticed than you’ve ever had before. Take advantage of them. Try new things. They may not always work out. But remember that you could have Citizen Kane on your hard drive. But if you don’t figure out how to get people to read it, it doesn’t matter.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Use anticipation to reel a reader in. If you use Anticipation correctly, it’s almost impossible to lose the reader. I dare anyone to read this first act of Grim Night and not want to keep reading. That’s because the writers do a great job of building up our anticipation for the Grims’ arrival. We absolutely HAVE to see what they look like and if they’ll go after our family. Anticipation is one of the easiest ways to rope a reader in so if you can write a story that takes advantage of it, consider it. Just remember, once you’ve burned that anticipation (and we meet the Grims) you have to use other tools to keep us invested, like suspense and original choices and twists and turns and character development. I don’t think Grim did that effectively.
