Many of you know sweet, caring, cute and insightful Kristy over at MSP. Although she’s in the thick of a college semester, she’s found enough time to give a female perspective on a lot of the latest scripts in town. Also, she has a library of scripts on her blog where you just may be able to find some of the script links I’m not able to post. Kristy and I agreed she should do a guest review and it was up to me to decide what script to give her. I thought long and hard and finally settled on M. Night’s first sale script, “Labor Of Love.” Why? Well because what film geek doesn’t like discussing M. Night? It’s like Yankee fans reading an article about A-Rod. Everybody’s got an opinion.

I’m one of those people who thinks that each of Night’s films has been worse than the previous. The Sixth Sense, in my eyes, is pretty much the bar for spec scripts. It would fall into the genius category without question. Unbreakable didn’t cater to my sensibilities. Signs showed his first huge miscalculation on an ending. The Village insulted my intelligence. Lady In The Water felt like I’d been transported to an apocalyptic Candyland after being injected with a week’s supply of LSD. And then of course there was The Happening. Maybe my favorite theater moment this decade was when Marky Mark and his group tried to outrun the wind. My entire theater couldn’t stop laughing. Then a dozen people got up and left, then someone in the back yelled out, “You can’t outrun no wind!” and then a few more people left, one of them declaring, “This is bulllll-shit.” During the rest of the movie, an old lady sitting next to me had a running commentary with her friend about how she didn’t understand what was going on. It was way more entertaining than if I had just seen the movie.

But see here’s the weird thing. I went to see *all* of these movies. And I will go to see the next M. Night movie. And the next one after that. Despite everything, in some weird way, I still care about what M. Night makes. So he’s gotta be doing something right, right? Whatever the case, I’d always heard about this script but never knew anything about it. 750k is quite a sale, even back at that time, so the script had to be special, right? Right Kristy?

Genre: Drama
Premise: After his wife’s death, a man sets out on a 3,200 mile journey across country on foot to show his love for her.
About: This was M. Night Shyamalan’s third script, and the first he sold to Fox back in 1993, for 750k. The project failed to get off the ground reportedly because they were unwilling to put M. Night in the director’s chair (I have other theories why it didn’t get made). The script sale led to work on the film “Stuart Little,” which was then followed by his masterpiece, “The Sixth Sense.”
Writer: M. Night Shyamalan
Details: 119 pages

So I told Carson I wanted to do a blog entry for Script Shadow…he was letting everybody else do one and we go way back so it was only fair that I get a shot. My demands were met with a script by a writer who I wouldn’t care a thing about if he didn’t come up with The Sixth Sense and a script written and sold when I was the ripe age of 5. The night before, I was actually discussing to a friend how much we really didn’t care for M Night. That’s karma I guess. To my surprise this has no elements that I’ve seen from MNS in the past. No dead people, no people lying down in front of lawn mowers for no reason, no mermaids, no contained villages. It was just a regular character driven drama.

Labor of Love is about Maurice Parker and his wife Ellen. The script opens up in a way we’ve seen many times before. It uses a shocking flash-forward scene and then skips back so that we have to read and find out how we ended up there. We fade in on Ellen’s fatal car wreck, but we skip back a few weeks earlier to her and Maurice’s seventeen year marriage. Maurice is very much a man settled into his marriage, it’s the same routine day in and day out. Ellen wakes up, walks ¼ one way to get a loaf of raisin bread for Maurice every morning while Maurice fails to tell Ellen how much she means to him. Ellen is basically STARVING for some affection. Sure Maurice says he loves her, but as a female, I know words can only go so far before we start doubting them. Is it too much to ask for someone to show their love every now and then? Apparently it was for Maurice. He got by on the words “I love you” for seventeen odd years to the point where it was just background noise. She wanted flowers, chocolates, anything tangible to represent his love. She asked him once if he would walk across the country for her and Maurice of course says, sure. But how do we know he would? We wouldn’t unless he physically did it.

Maurice decides to have a celebration one night, he just bought a bigger space to move his classic book store into. Just friends, family, Ellen, for a nice relaxed evening. That’s until he gets the news that Ellen was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver, which we already knew. Maurice’s world instantly falls apart. This story very much reminded me of the Garth Brooks song, If Tomorrow Never Comes. The lyrics go a little something like:

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That shes my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

Well Ellen won’t ever know how much Maurice loved her. He didn’t do his best everyday to show her. This eats at Maurice from the inside out. She begged for his love and he couldn’t give her an ounce of tangible evidence…until now. Here is a scene between him and an old lady in the park that pretty much confirms his future decision:

MAURICE
Where did he go?

OLD WOMAN
He’s getting my sweater from the car. I said there was a breeze.
(shaking her head)
I told him not to go.

Beat.

MAURICE
May I ask you a question that might sound strange?

OLD WOMAN
Yes.

Beat.

MAURICE
How do you know he loves you?

The old woman looks at him oddly.

MAURICE
I mean besides… time — how did you know ten years ago — twenty years ago?

She thinks hard… tough question. No answer for a moment

then –

The old woman sees something out of the corner of her eye — her husband is walking up the path with her white lace sweater over his arm…

She smiles as the answer comes to her.

OLD WOMAN
Because he shows me… he’s not much for words, but he shows me.

It’s like that scene in The Break Up where Jennifer Aniston tells Vince Vaughn she wants him to want to do the dishes. In other words we shouldn’t have to beg for love, or ask you to do the dishes, you should want to do them because you know it will make us happy. I’m not being gender specific when I say you…but yeah men…you J.

So after 22 pages of me not sure where this story was going, Maurice decides he’s going to walk across the country to show Ellen how much he loved and would do anything for her (umm now that she is no longer in existence). This journey starts in Philadelphia and will end in Pacifica, California, that’s over 3000 miles. It doesn’t say at the beginning why Pacifica, CA, but we find out at the very end through a flashback that Ellen once told Maurice that Pacifica was her “heaven.”

Maurice closes up shop. He gets his stuff together and just leaves, heads out west. He’s in his late forties, not technically physically fit, so you can imagine how this is going to go. So it’s a basic struggle itself just to make the trek across the country. Maurice does make some encounters along the way. Nothing strong enough, not for me anyways. He walks by this liquor store and sees these drunks getting into their trucks to drive. Maurice politely asks them not to drive drunk. This pisses the guys off. Not a page later guess who’s coming up behind him? They beat the pulp out of Maurice but luckily a police “happens” to be nearby and stop them. He runs Maurice’s name to find out his niece is looking for him. She is a psychologist and thinks Maurice is a danger to himself and needs to be in better condition before attempting this crazy adventure. She uses her frequent flyer miles to drive all the way to Indiana and pick him up. Well she stops at a gas station, when she gets back in her car she tries talking to Maurice but he’s silent. She figures he’s sleeping (long journey and all). But when she gets back to PA, she realizes she’s been duped. There’s a homeless man in her backseat in place of Maurice.

This journey is mostly about him walking. At one point Maurice does save a woman and her daughter after a car wreck in a snowstorm. This makes him feel a little better about Ellen’s wreck, as he saved someone. It’s not long before words gets out all over the country. Maurice’s friend used to be a newspaper writer and starts writing little columns about Maurice’s story. Maurice isn’t even aware how big a celebrity he’s becoming. In the final stretch he falls off a ledge in Nevada, breaks his ribs, has a minor stroke, ruptures his spleen, and has some bleeding of the brain. He is hospitalized but glad to find out he is still in California. Doctors tell him that if he doesn’t have surgery he will die. Well of course Maurice is determined to finish the last 60 miles. He HAS to feel that California water on his skin or nothing that he did before matters. He sneaks out of the hospital and keeps on truckin’. He’s on his deathbed as he walks. His side is bleeding through his shirt, he can barely walk. It’s a bit sad and strung out. And the ending? Well…let’s just say if it didn’t end this way I’d be mad because the ending was the only real thing in my mind that had an emotional impact. And I don’t mean the fact of whether he makes it or not. I guess you’ll have to read to find out how it ends.

So like I said I got almost 20 pages in and was wondering where in the heck this was going. I thought Ellen’s death would be something that was strung out the entire story and we would find out why at the end, much like Famous Last Words did. By the way, in my mind it is kind of a short cut, some say cheat, by putting a shocking scene in the first few pages to grab the reader then skip back and reveal the events leading up to it. This hooks the reader in for a bit so they keep reading to find out. The problem is with L.O.L , after that wreck scene it takes 15-20 pages to materialize into the rest of the story. My ADD mind starts to wander by then.

So I was for sure getting a MNS script it would be along the lines of what he does now…but a drama? Where did you pull this one out of MNS? In reports it said this didn’t get made because MNS wanted to direct but they wouldn’t let him. I suspect it didn’t get made because the story is boring and uneventful. That’ just my honest opinion. No offense but I don’t want to watch a man walk across the country and every 15 pages something “comes up” putting doubt in our minds that he will make it. The events used were weak and didn’t have the emotional impact that I think MNS was going for. I knew they’d pass the instant they came up. I’m not sure what others would say about this script…maybe the fact that it is 16 plus years old says something. Maybe this was original back then. Now we got people who walk across country, ride their lawnmowers, horses, etc. So maybe that has something to do with the story.

I had a hard time buying Maurice’s journey. Sure his wife’s death was sad, death always is, but I couldn’t latch on to him. I was never in it when she was alive. I didn’t feel any connection with either character or their relationship. The scenes with them together, including the flashbacks, were very OTN and expositional. It’s like they were saying what they needed to say to go along with the story. Maybe it’s me but I don’t know anyone who talks like that. It was almost as if I didn’t care he was walking across country. In my mind, the way their relationship was presented it was more of a, well you had your chance to show her but you didn’t. I know that sounds bad but that’s how I felt. It was hard to buy Maurice’s sudden revelation and arc.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I Learned: If you are going to do a character driven story then make sure we are on board with the actual character. If we have to sit through their journey for an hour and a half, make sure we care enough to want to listen to them and not because we are forced to. If we don’t feel their needs, wants, emotions then you basically have nothing for us.

Genre: Action/WarPremise: (from IMDB) America relies on 1940’s technology to defend itself against an invasion after an electromagnetic pulse leaves the country vulnerable for an attack.
About: This spec script was sold a few years ago. There is some information on IMDB like the fact that Ericson Core (The Prodigy) is the director and Chris Moore the producer, but I’m not sure how recent or accurate the information is. Core is also listed as director on the XXX threequel, “The Return Of Xander Cage,” though that may be a tough movie to direct, since as of today, Xander Cage has announced he’s not returning.
Writer: Sean Bailey, Revisions by Andrew W. Marlowe

I have to admit, I love movie ideas like this. I like movies with worldwide consequences. Not necessarily disaster movies, but any movie where the world or a country is threatened by some force that’s greater than anything they’ve dealt with before. My interest always peaks when the projects take preview form because these movies were born for the trailer medium. When Trailer-Voice Guy goes home to practice at night, these are the movies he practices to. Deep Impact, The Day After Tomorrow, Independence Day. Even the trailer for 2012 leaves me smiling. Destruction on a mass scale can be a beautiful thing on a 900 square foot screen.

Here’s the problem though…

These movies never turn out any good. They can’t possibly live up to their galaxy-sized expectations gleaned from their eye-popping trailers. And I think I know why. It is my contention that the wide-scale destruction/action movie is the hardest genre to write. You must tell a story that focuses on the effects of millions (sometimes billions of people) while at the same time focuing on a core group of characters in a localized place. And you must do so in two hours. If our characters are in New York City but you want to show the Golden Gate Bridge getting flattened, someone has to get a phone call and go, “My mom’s in San Francisco. She says the Golden Gate Bridge is about to buy it!” Cut to the Golden Gate Bridge buying it. Cut back to our characters in New York and continue our story. There’s no emotional connection to the event because it doesn’t have any immediate effect on our characters. You can cut to Tibet or Brazil or Niagra Falls or the Hoover Dam and show them all blowing up in unique wonderful ways, but since our characters can’t possibly be in all these places at once, the shots become exploitation. Destruction porn. Unconnected sequences ideal for a TV spot but unimportant to our main character’s journey.

That’s one problem but there are many. The dialogue is another issue. Most of the time the movies are supposed to be “realistic,” requiring you to write your characters in that vein, yet because these films are “event movies,” the characters must add a “grandiosity” to their words. Everybody’s forced to talk in overly dramatic tones that nobody on earth talks like. This creates a weird overly serious melodramatic fog that just hangs over every scene, making it impossible to buy that you’re watching real life.

For these reasons, we’ve never really had a perfect destruction movie. They’re almost all disappointments. Which is why I was both excited and cautious when I heard about Liberty. First of all, why more people don’t write movies about a modern day America getting attacked is beyond me. That idea alone is cool enough to get me in the theater. But the cherry that pushes this sundae over the top is its twist: What if the biggest army in the world was forced to defend itself with 1940s weaponry? The irony in that premise is just too juicy not to love. So is this just like every other “destruction” film that doesn’t live up to its potential? Or does Liberty discover the secret ingredient to success?

General Ivan Galkin has just pulled a coup on the Russian government and declared martial law. Ivan misses all those separated Soviet states that left his great country and would like for nothing more than to bring them back together. In a time where it’s difficult to come up with an enemy for the United States, this take feels oddly believable. We saw the Soviet Union fall apart in a day. Why couldn’t it come back together in that time?

Back in the U.S., Maggie Heflin, the Secretary Of The Interior (yeah, I don’t know what that means either) is coaching her little girl’s soccer game and having quite a hard time leading the team. A few minutes later, a couple of serious looking men show up and tell her she’s needed immediately. She jumps in a car and is ushered to the White House, where she’s placed in a room with all the other members of the cabinet. She asks around, speculating on what this means. Well, this tends to happen under only one condition – the president (who was visiting Russia) has been assassinated.

Uh oh.

If that weren’t bad enough, satellite radar has detected a large mass of ships blazing through the Pacific Ocean towards Santa Monica. It doesn’t take long to figure out that this fleet is headed up by General Galkin. Galkin gives his Yankee comrades a call and lets them know that he’s not coming to catch the latest performance of Wicked. The U.S. laughs off the attack because, well, even a huge Russian fleet is no match for the United States’ army. They probably shouldn’t have laughed it off. Five seconds later, using advanced electro-magnetic pulse technology, the Russians shut down every single electric and computerized piece of equipment in the country. The United States has just been transported back to the 1940s.

In one of the better twists in the story, the president, vice-president, and numerous top officials have been assassinated by the Russian government. As the White House scrambles through the books to figure out who is supposed to lead them, it turns out that Maggie Heflin, the little woman who couldn’t lead her daughter’s soccer team to victory…is next in line to become the leader of the United States.

The fun in the script comes from both us and the characters trying to figure out how to defend a country when all the technologies we’ve become so dependent on are stripped away. “I want an analysis of our options when the country’s electrical grid goes down.” “I can’t get it,” the aide says, “All that info is on my laptop.” If you don’t have computers, if you don’t have e-mail and internet, if you don’t have TV or cell phones or transportation…how do you accomplish *anything*?? To give you an idea of just how dire and desperate their situation is, if this really happened, there would be no Scriptshadow updates! There would be no Scriptshadow website!! Yes, I know.

Eventually Maggie figures out that the only way they can defend themselves is by scrounging up all the pre-computerized military equipment in the U.S., which basically amounts to cars, planes and tanks used back in World War 2, and use that to defend the west coast. A radio call is sent out to any veterans who fought during the 2nd war who know how to operate this ancient machinery. All these young Air Force hotshots have to learn how to fly planes that actually require you to *fly them* (as opposed to do all the work for you).

Overall, the script is fun, but it does run into those requisite cheesy problems these types of movies have trouble avoiding. For instance, the old highly decorated codger comes back to fight one more battle. The writers try a little too hard to make you love the guy and therefore his journey doesn’t ring true. Cliché isn’t avoided either. There’s the Top Gun ace who’s a cross between Tom Cruise and Die Hard Bruce Willis. His every utterance screams, “I’m in an action movie and I’m badass.” I would’ve liked to have seen a more original human side to both these characters, but they do their job.

The final battle is intricate and elaborate enough that no amount of scriptwriting can do it justice. A director with a strong vision has the tools here to create one of the most action-packed drool-inducing battles of all time. 1940s American army vs. the state of the art Soviet army – how cool would that be? Even though it didn’t blow me away on the page, I fully recognize that seeing it would be a different experience.

A couple of cliché main characters keep this from being exceptional. I thought the writers could’ve taken more chances as well, dived into some areas we haven’t seen in this kind of movie before. They’re almost too cozy, resting on an idea that they know is going to smooth over a lot of the problems. But for the most part, I dug what I saw. This script isn’t ready for its close-up just yet, but it’s on its way.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: It’s really hard to make elaborate action/car chase scenes pop off the page. It’s not that it can’t be done, but most filmmakers recognize that the director is going to choreograph these scenes anyway, and therefore speed-read through them. I know some professional writers are so sure of this, they merely write: “Big action/chase scene here” instead of writing everything out. Not that you should take that approach on a spec script. My advice to you on writing good action scenes actually has very little to do with the action at all. Make us obsessed with your character. Make us care about him/her more than we care about members of our own family. That way, even if you place your character in a straightforward no-frills sidewalk chase, we’ll be gripping our seat hoping he makes it out alive.

No link :(

Genre: Comedy
Premise: A recently dumped sci-fi geek enlists the most selfish heartless narcissistic ladies man in London to be his wingman.
About: One of the lower-ranked scripts on this year’s Brit List. (edit: added) Mat, the writer, wrote and directed a comedy short called ‘Hard to Swallow.’ The short was selected at Sundance and off the back of that he was commissioned by the UK Film Council to write ‘Wingman’, which was his first full length script. He began with Woody Allen’s “Manhattan” in mind, but finished with something a little more…hmm…shall we say, filthy.
Writer: Mat Kirkby
Details: 112 pages (June 25, 2009 draft)

If I were ranking the Brit List scripts I’ve read so far (about ten), Wingman would probably be at the top, by a hair, over Good Luck Anthony Belcher. The script doesn’t have the high concept marketing-friendly “big idea” Good Luck has, but what it lacks in big ideas, it makes up for in consistency. Whereas Good Luck kind of runs out of steam in the second half, Wingman is just getting started. Surprisingly though, this spec made some very basic mistakes, things that make me wonder if this isn’t a first-time writer. Large chunks of description that could’ve been summarized in a couple of lines litter the digital real estate like hot dog stands at a fat camp. After awhile, I just stopped reading them and went straight to the dialogue, which is where the script shines anyway. It’s not “overly cute and clever” funny. Just pure “stems from the character” funny. And the main two characters here are why Wingman works.

33 year old Simon is Sir Dorksimus Maximus Extraordinaire. He works for a sci-fi magazine, unapologetically sets his ring tone to the X-Files theme, and has more trouble speaking to women than a deaf-mute. He was recently dumped by his long term girlfriend, Claire, for being unable to utter those three essential words: I love you. Now he’s out in the singles game for the first time in ages and he doesn’t have the chops or the know-how to swing it. To make things worse, Simon is one of those people who got so comfortable in his own world, he neglected to keep all his friendships. Now, not only are all his old friends married, but they’re not dropping everything to rush out and help a guy who fell off the friendship radar.

This forces him to make the call he swore he would never make – the one man he knows will reserve him a spot in hell. We’re talking about the one man who will join him in the trenches – Britain’s answer to Vince Vaughn in Swingers: DeClan. DeClan is one nasty SOB. Whereas Vaughn had charm, DeClan is more like a hunter, unapologetic in his pursuit of nailing the next hottie. Tucker Max reads *this* guy’s diary. Unfortunately, the epitome of the heartless classless selfish dickhead-dom is Simon’s only lifeline.

Off the two go, DeClan enlisting Simon in his School of Scoring. But it’s kind of like David Beckham trying to teach Stephen Hawking how to do a corner kick. Simon is so underprepared for all the lying, the scheming, and the cruelty involved in picking up women that he always finds a way to screw it up.

But the screwing it up parts are exactly what we came here for. In fact, pretty much anything where Simon is trying to score a member of the opposite sex is funny. One of my favorite scenes is a take on the famous sequence from The Odd Couple where Declan invites over a couple of women for a night at Simon’s flat (hey! I’m getting a hang of this UK lingo). One of the girls is a clueless Russian model. The other is seemingly Simon’s dream girl. She’s extremely cute, a little bit nerdy, and loves the X-Files just as much Simon! He’s finally found the perfect girl to replace his ex. Except the girl’s love for the X-Files maybe goes a little bit deeper than Simon’s, insomuch as she creates tin foil hats the two must wear so that “the aliens can’t hear what we’re thinking.” While no one’s ever personally made me wear a tin foil hat (though an ex-girlfriend did tell me she’d been abducted by aliens once), just the memories it conjured up of all those hilarious dates that went wrong made Wingman, and Simon’s journey in particular, very identifiable for me.

Wingman isn’t pushing any boundaries so if you’re looking for a new way to row a boat, look somewhere else. There are actually a lot of things in this story that don’t work –most of the subplots and secondary characters aren’t fleshed out and as a result, whenever we’re with them, the story slows to a crawl. But when the script focuses on the interactions and relationship between DeClan and Simon, it’s pretty damn funny, and that’s why I’m going to go ahead and recommend Wingman.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: When you compare Wingman and Good Luck Anthony Belcher, I think there’s a reason Good Luck finished higher on the Brit List, even though the scripts are comparable on a comedic level (this is my opinion of course). Good Luck has the more high-concept premise. In having the better premise, it comes off as a more fully-formed idea, which is easier to market and therefore easier to sell. Wingman is no slouch. The idea is simple enough to fit right into the title, and that should be easy to sell as well. But as much as you’d like to “stay true to yourself” and not “sell out,” the best way in for a new writer is always the high concept idea, especially in comedy. Those are the scripts all the execs and development people and producers and agents and managers are looking for. It’s playing the odds, man.

In case you missed it, it’s Double Post Monday! Yeah, you heard that right. Two posts for the price of one. I reviewed Paranormal Activity so if you’re interested in hearing my reaction, scroll down or click here. If you want my twitter (“Twitter” is now a verb used to describe anything quickly) on it, I thought it was a solid scary movie that’s worth the hype. Roger doesn’t have time for such trivial shakey-cam endeavors though. He’d much rather review the long-rumored but never filmed Arnold Schwartzenegger project, “Crusade.” I remember when Harry from AICN would have weekly updates on this script. Now you get a chance to actually read it for yourself. Take it away Roger…

Premise: A prisoner who is set to die is freed when he fakes a miracle during a visit by the Pope, and is drafted to recapture Jerusalem.
About: In the summer of 1994, the film was weeks from starting production under the helm of Paul Verhoeven, with sets being built in Spain and Morocco when Carolco’s Mario Kassar pulled the plug because the budget was topping $120 million. Because Schwarzenegger had a pay-or-play deal, he walked away with ownership of the project and Carolco gambled on Cutthroat Island, which had a budget of $115 million. It only made $10 million, landing it in the Guinness Book of World Records for biggest box office flop of all time and bankrupting Carolco Pictures. There’s a lesson in there somewhere, and I’m guessing an old-fashioned compare and contrast session with each script could yield us much wisdom. Or maybe, we need only ask ourselves, who the fuck says ‘No’ to Arnold?
Writer: Walon Green. Revisions by Gary Goldman.

One of my favorite filmmakers is Sam Peckinpah and one of my favorite films is The Wild Bunch. So much so that I probably drive my co-writer mad whenever we hit a narrative bump and I break the silence with, “Well, in The Wild Bunch…”

So it was a delight for me to read a script by Walon Green. There’s lots to learn from a man who is known for his remorseless sense of structure, his byzantine attention to detail, and his palpably-drawn characters.

Walon Green.

The Wild Bunch.

Sorcerer.

WarGames.

And also…Crusade.

Isn’t Crusade the fabled Arnold Schwarzenegger project where his enemies stitch him into a live donkey?

Fuck yeah, it is. But it’s more like Han shoving an unconscious Luke into the carcass of a Tauntaun, except substitute Han for angry Saracens and Tauntaun for a dead donkey that’s hanging from a spit surrounded by hungry hyenas. But this is just one scene that’s sure to offend special interest groups worldwide, and we have so much more (awesomely) loathsome ground to cover.

The opening title credits are no slouch. It’s 1095 A.D. and we meet a rider named Hagen who proceeds to rob a French Abbey during vespers. In the Abbot’s chambers, it’s more like a bacchanal than a prayer service, where the main course is prepubescent acolyte boy-flesh. If that’s not enough to ruffle your conservative feathers, consider the soundtrack of pan-pipes and lutes.

Long story short, Hagen is caught red-handed and the Abbot sends for Count Emmich of Bascarat, whom we meet raping a pubescent peasant girl in a vat full of grape slime. “Closer to bone the sweeter the meat,” after all, and we are introduced to his villainous entourage who may or may not die horrible deaths at the hands of Hagen (against the backdrop of two civilizations at war) later on.

Here’s the lowdown: Hagen’s inheritance has been stolen from him by Emmich, his half-brother. So rather than serve as this douchebag’s serf, he would rather be a thief. Only problem is, the acquisitive Abbot agrees to keep Emmich’s dirty little secret for a quarter of his estate, in exchange for hanging Hagen.

What gives? Hagen can’t die. Doesn’t he have to fight in the Crusades first?

You betcha. Hagen’s scaffold is struck down when emissaries from the Vatican arrive, heralding the arrival of papal hype-master, Pope Urban II. He spins a tale about a city named Jerusalem, a forlorn place where nuns are ravaged by Moslems and where Christians live in fear and slavery. He urges his crowd to listen to the voices of the martyrs, to take up arms and free Jerusalem from the blackamoors.

He promises remission from all sin and eternal salvation to those who die in battle…and to their families. If people aren’t convinced yet, Pope Urban II guarantees a holy sign to confirm that this war is God’s will.

What’s the sign?

I’d rather not spoil it, but let’s just say that Hagen, not content with merely having his execution date postponed, fakes a miracle from his jail cell with the help of his cell-mate, Ari, a comedic and resourceful shyster.

When it comes to survival, Ari is a great guy to have on your side. Just like in Entourage.

And before we know it, Hagen is pardoned and he’s marching off to the Holy Lands with the rest of The Pope’s Army.

Hagen is the official mascot of Christendom’s war against Islam.

Unfortunately, he is relegated under the command of his d-bag brother, Count Emmich, rather than the knight known as Godfrey of Bouillon, a blind idealist who at least has less scandalous intentions than Emmich.

But don’t worry, Hagen’s situation improves when he royally fucks up his stepbrother’s face in a dispute involving the intentioned rape of Jewish newlyweds who have strayed too close to the army of Crusaders.

Hagen’s not one to sit around and watch his dickcheese brother violate a bride in front of her husband (or at all). Obviously, the deal breaker is that Emmich opts to “protect” his head with a “pot helm”, and Hagen decides to use his brother’s armored head for batting practice with his axe-handle. A combat faus pax? You be the judge. But a fair warning, the description detailing what happens when a blacksmith removes Emmich’s pot helm leaves nothing to the imagination.

Emmich may have lost the battle, but he’s in this for the long run. In a scheme that would make Machiavelli proud, he sells Hagen and Ari to Moslem slavers. So, we’re treated to a cool sea-faring sequence where Hagen and Ari attempt to commandeer the ship they’re on to escape the Saracen corsair. There’s some decapitations and some swash-buckling, but the fun and games ultimately end in manacles.

Except not for Ari. Who speaks enough Arabic to convince the slavers that he’s actually a Moslem that was captured by the Christians.

Things look grim for Hagen.

They get nut-chopping grim when Hagen witnesses another captor get castrated by a cold-as-ice Moslem surgeon and his assistant. And right when Hagen’s member is put on the butcher’s block, Ari dramatically strides in like the best of double-agents and rescues him. Like I said, when it comes to survival, or avoiding the fate of eunuch, Ari is a great guy to have on your side.

How is Ari able to be so convincing?

Ari’s uncle is counselor to Ibn Khaldun, the Moslem Prince. Hagen is to be trained as a royal guardsman. We learn that Crusaders have besieged Antioch, and the only “safe” window for Hagen to escape will open when they march on Jerusalem. Essentially, he’s forced to blend into his surroundings.

It’s in Jerusalem that Hagen learns the truth.

The city is truly a mélange of three faiths where Jews, Christians and Moslems can worship freely.

It is also in Jerusalem where Hagen falls in love with Leila, the daughter of Ibn Khaldun. While Hagen and Leila play cat-and-mouse fuckgames, in which Leila vicariously experiences Hagen’s sexual prowess through her odalisque, Sheba, Emmich rises to power and influence among the Crusaders in Antioch.

In a city that’s stripped of food, what will the starving Crusaders have for their victory feast? According to Emmich, it’s people. “I see no shortage of meat in Antioch. I see ewes that carry ample flesh and tender lambs still fattening at the nipple.” A ghastly stew is prepared for the Christian army, and the soldiers pledge their loyalty to Emmich with their grateful spoons.

Meanwhile meanwhile, the Moslem leaders discuss the possibility of protecting Jerusalem’s walls with archers from Damascus. The plot thickens as we learn that the reluctant Damascan leader is a selfish prick who will only share his army if he can marry Leila. Ibn Khaldun muses that perhaps they can reason with the Crusaders, maybe even attain a truce.

The story kicks into high gear when the Crusaders reach Jerusalem’s walls and Ibn Khaldun sends Leila to her brother’s estate in Nablus, with Hagen as escort. An assault on the royal entourage segues into the infamous donkey scene.

But what about the big war sequence we’ve all been waiting for?

It’s pretty fucking cool. It’s a third act ball-buster that injects some much-needed momentum for those who grew tired of the Moslem girlfriend stuff.

There are some startling images here. Hagen, berserker-fighting through a sea of battle, armed with a scythe that he uses to cut through the ankles of Moslem soldiers. Hagen, his silhouette projected onto a wall of smoke, back-lit by the setting sun, singlehandedly fighting off hordes of men, the tableau rallying the fleeing Crusaders to get back into the fight.

The battle spills into the siege of Jerusalem, and I ain’t gonna lie, it’s grisly.

But the best part, and probably the most resonant, is a scene involving the One True Cross in the Holy Sepulchre. It’s a disarming sequence that cuts through all of Hagen’s war-time survival profiteering and points at a higher power. It’s good stuff.

Crusade has an amazing attention to detail in it that points to an older, tougher era of screenwriting. With today’s “modern” scripts, I can breeze through them in an hour or two. Not so with this one. I was forced to slow down, to pay attention, to savor the words.

This script makes “Medieval” look fucking clownish in comparison. And “Medieval” is a script I like (I’m sorry I’m not sorry, I have doubts about “Predators” after hearing the plot. It’s not “Aliens” to “Alien”. It’s a coin-op arcade game a company like Midway would have made back in the mid-90s.)

It might be blasphemous to say it, especially considering the two iconic characters Schwarzenegger is known for (The Terminator and Conan), but I think Hagen could have been his greatest role. It’s not only iconic, it has a depth to it that transcends the epic breadth of the background story. It’s an underdog story of redemption set against the historical conflict of The Crusades.

I felt there might have been too much exotic girlfriend and not enough holy war, but what the hell, it ties into Hagen’s conflict with Emmich. Which is the overarching theme to Crusade. Redemption. And isn’t that what all redemption stories are about? A man trying to regain his inheritance, a man trying to re-seize a mantle lost? Quim just sweetens that redemptive pot, amirite?

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: The next time you’re lost in your own character arcs without a thematic compass, just remember what Conan said: The best things in life are to kill your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

Seriously, when it comes to movies about men with swords, everything else is icing on the cake.

Genre: Drama
Premise: Two best friends who live on the small island of Corsica choose different paths in life, one as an honest working man, the other as a gangster.
About: This was the second rated script on The Brit List. Neil Purvis and Rob Wade wrote Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. Corsica is the fourth biggest island in the Mediterranean Sea. Napolean Bonaparte was born there.
Writer: Neil Purvis and Rob Wade

So I’ve been reading through this Brit List the last few days and I have to say I’m a bit disappointed. A lot of these scripts have their share of strengths, but I’m yet to find one that’s consistently good all the way through. There’s been some discussion in the comments section that the Brit List is mirroring the The Black List and becoming more a marketing tool than an honest assessment of the best scripts of the year. I would hate for that to be the case (with both lists) but I guess on some level it was inevitable. The same thing happened with Sundance. If you had a mess of a film applying for entry but it had Robert DeNiro and Ed Norton in it, are you really going to say no to a couple of academy award winning actors? The Brit List does sort of read like a “Here’s what all the top UK writers are working on now” rundown. The argument for the list would be that the number one script is by a relative unknown, right? I mean, how would George Kay have any power in getting his script to the top of the heap (or is George Kay super famous in the UK?)? It should also be noted that scripts by lesser-known writers aren’t going to get into as many voters’ hands. I’m going to try to get through this thing but it’s hard mustering up any enthusiasm at this point. I need a script to get me excited again. For your enjoyment, I’ve listed the premises of the Brit List scripts I know about:

Anthony Belcher – The unluckiest man in the world is offered seven free days of perfect luck.
Corsica 72 – Two best friends who live on the small island of Corsica choose different paths in life, one an honest life, the other, a life of crime. (Godfather on an island?)
Now Is Good – A 17 year old girl dying of cancer creates a dark bucket list, then meets a boy she falls in love with. (A bit too “A Walk To Rememberish” maybe?)
Salmon Fishing In The Yemen – A henpecked civil servant is sent to introduce salmon to the Yemen. (High praise for Beaufoy but is this not the most unappealing title in the history of movies?)
Best Exotic Marigold Hotel – Don’t know much about this one other than that it seems to take place in an old folk’s home. (How can this be better than Winter’s Discontent?)
I Wish I Wish – A stuck-up beautiful wife who’s had everything handed to her in life, joins the “Make A Wish” Foundation for dying children, and starts to fall for the father of one of the children. (teenagers dying wasn’t enough. Now we have to take out the children)
Conviction – An adaptation of the 2004 BBC TV crime series. Two police officer brothers cross the line while investigating the murder of a 12 year old girl.
Eurovision – A project for Working Title from “Bruno” and “Borat” writer Dan Mazer, focusing on the bizarre ritual of the Eurovision song contest, an annual festival of kitsch… This would not be a faux-documentary, but rather a more traditional movie.
Under the Skin – Hitchhikers in Scotland are abducted by aliens. (I’ll be reading this next)
Grabbers – A comedy-horror set in Ireland, in the vein of “Tremors” and “Gremlins,” from a first time writer. (it actually surprises me that more movies like Gremlins haven’t been made)
Red Circle – A remake of Jean-Pierre Melville’s classic crime film, “Le Cercle Rouge.”
A Trap For Cinderella – A woman survives a house fire but is burnt beyond recognition. (Hmm, this one sounds particularly uplifting)
What Was Lost – A shopping center is haunted by a 10 year old girl. (This might be one to save for Halloween Week).

Cosica 72 is one of the better scripts I’ve read from this year’s list but it’s not without its faults. It follows best friends Marco and Sauveur, who lived on the Mediterranean island of Corsica in the 1970s. They’re on the cusp of adulthood and about to go their separate ways. For Sauveur, that entails a simple life on the island. For Marco, it means joining his Uncle Luis in the mafia. Before they split up though, they both fall in love with the same girl, the stunning Lucia. Marco is the brave one, diving head first into the battle for her heart. But it’s Sauveur who wins the war, mainly because Lucia detests the violent ways of the mafia.

Cut to a few years later. Sauveur and Lucia are happily married. Sauveur is about to start his own business. He begins building on his location of choice, but receives a visit from Marco informing him that he’s required to check in with Luis before building on the island. The land isn’t Luis’, of course, so Sauveur doesn’t see how he has to check in with anyone. He ignores Marco’s warning and, as a result, Luis sends a couple of his henchman to scare Sauver’s younger brother. The henchman screw up and end up killing him by accident. Sauveur is enraged but can do nothing. To make matters worse, his manhood is questioned by Lucia, and when it’s clear that he’ll be perceived as the Island wuss unless he does something, he decides to rock some vigilante justice and murders the two men who killed his brother.

This puts Don Luis in a tough position. If he dosen’t kill Sauveur, he’ll be looked at as weak. So he signs his death warrant, putting Marco in an incredibly awkward position, as he doesn’t want to kill his friend. Before the matter can be resolved, Sauveur flees to the nearby forest, where he begins living a life of exile, looking forward to occasional secret visits from his wife. When Luis starts killing members of his family though, Sauveur is forced to become the very entity he despises – a Don of his own. So he begins ordering his own killings from the forest. A tit-for-tat string of murders begins, which further complicates Sauver’s, Marco’s, and Lucia’s relationship, and pushes them to an inevitably bloody conclusion.

The writing here is great. There’s lots of conflict. There’s lots of intrigue. The stakes are high for all the characters. The characters themselves are rich and well-developed. As a script, it’s a very fine piece of writing. I just couldn’t get past a couple of things. This whole idea of Sauveur racing up into the forest and living there for half the script…it just seemed, for lack of a better word, silly. Not only that but it took our main character away from the action. Also , I couldn’t for the life of me understand Lucia’s reaction to Sauveur not standing up for himself. I thought her whole thing was the mafia was bad because of its violence. So why would she support a retaliatory killing? Especially since it sends her husband into the forest for the rest of his life. I had a really hard time getting over that rationale. Though I guess this is based on a true story so the real Lucia actually made that decision. Either way, it was a choice that confused me on her motivation, and ultimately made me not like her very much.

In the end you gotta take this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a huge fan of mafia movies. I liked but never loved the Godfather films. To me, Goodfellas is the cream of the crop in this genre, and it feels like every mafia movie I watch pales in comparison. So I have a feeling that even if this script was perfectly written, I’d still grumpily point out its faults. It’s still the best I’ve read so far behind Anthony Belcher though.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: I think for me personally, I don’t like when my main character is away from the action. I always find it more interesting when he’s down there in the thick of it. If you can, keep your protagonist where all the action is at. I meant that’s where the meat of your movie is, right?