Info: 20,000 Leagues hit the spotlight when it was revealed that the man who made the worst movie of last summer – Da Fresh Prince – was interested. While I’m one of the first people to defend Smith as a movie star (how can you not like the guy?), Hancock fucking sucked. Stupid-ass mid-movie “twist”. Arrgh, I’ll never forget how quickly I went from loving to hating that flick.

Writer: Craig Titley

Draft: July 2007

Anyway, first things first. I don’t know jack shit about 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Apparently it was some big Harry Potter like book back in the what? 17^th Century? The title completely underwhelmed me. The first thing I thought of when I heard it was…old. Dated. Not relevant. Like something that people 50 years ago might’ve been interested in. That and one of the worst movies to ever grace the screen was set on water – the hurts-my-brain-to-even-think-about-it-still “The Perfect Storm”. Well, now that you mention it, pretty much anything Marky Mark is in sucks. But back to the script. What else was I gonna say about it? I hate the sea. I think it’s stupid. Blah blah blah. But you know what? Even though I was fully prepared to hate this script, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea was pretty damn awesome.

20,000 starts off – I believe, at the turn of the 20^th century – with the mystery of an underwater “beast” that has been stalking boats, taking bites out of them, and leaving them to sink to the bottom of the sea. But only in spots where it’s 20,000 leagues. Otherwise it leaves them alone. NED, we’ll just call him Jack Sparrow 2.0, is reluctantly recruited by an old army buddy to hunt the beast. He’s joined by Aronnax, a scientist and Julie, a hot girl. She has some other ties to the story but let’s call a spade a spade shall we? She’s a hot girl.

They go out looking for this beast (how you go looking for a beast in 1,000,000 square feet of water I’m still not entirely clear on) and eventually find it. But the beast is not a beast at all! It’s an underwater ship! Essentially a super tricked out mega submarine called “The Nautilus.” Back before submarines were even built yo! The ship is being captained by Nemo. Which means that this entire time they were actually trying to….Find Nemo. There, I said it.

They are then taken captive, because apparently Nemo’s got all sorts of fucked up shit in his past and he ain’t happy. People be killin his wife and kid n shit! And so Jack Sparrow 2.0, Hot Girl, and Scientology Dude, all try to figure out what the hell it is they’re inside. Eventually they’re brought back to a secret Volcano City (think Zion) and told that Nemo here is searching for a secret lost city (a city even more secret, apparently, than a Volcano City!). This then becomes the main thrust of the film, and the three core players (Finding Nemo, Jack Sparrow 2.0, and Hot Girl) find themselves bickering and backering, none of them sure whether to kiss or kill each other.

And it’s all pretty damn entertaining to be honest. Jack Sparrow 2.0 is funny as hell. He spits out one-liners that are actually funny instead of being retreads of old lines we’ve heard a thousand times before. Finding Nemo has a dark and brooding quality that keeps him mysterious. And even though I can’t see Hot Girl, I know she’s hot. So whenever she gets all saucy and bothered with one of the men, it’s extremely sexy. I totally wanted to bang her. Wait a minute…what am I talking about again?

Ah yes, the script makes great use of well-researched history, co-signing lore and myth into an entertaining backstory. If anyone’s researched the Sumerians, they are one of the earliest cultures to display knowledge of mathematics and…other smart people stuff. And 20,000 Leagues makes the assertion that the Sumerians knew these things because they were taught them by an even more ancient civilization which was…wait for it…swallowed up by the ocean. I’ve heard some theories about how there was a civilization right here on earth tens of thousands of years ago that was actually more civilized than our own. And even though it’s pretty far-fetched, who’s to say it didn’t happen?

Okay, now that you think I’m batshit crazy, let me finish up by saying this would make an awesome movie! The Nautilus is cool as hell. The characters are all entertaining. The set-pieces are original and action-packed. And most important of all, it’s a good story. Sure the ending had some confusing action. But that’s literally the only problem I had with the script. And I usually can’t even get past page 5 of a big-budget script. So stop dragging your…err, gills New Line. Or whoever’s got this property – and go ahead and make this movie. It’s going to make, like, a bagagillion dollars!

Info: I must admit I know very little about “Men” other than with that title it could be about anything.

Writer: Allan Loeb

TOBY is an attractive 40 year old ad exec who has the perfect life: the sexy Manhattan condo, one of the rarest cars in the world, a job to dream for, and of course, Amy, his beautiful wife. One night during a business dinner Amy informs him that she’s been sleeping with another man. The two separate and Toby proceeds to find out where the the man lives, befriends him, and yes, actually moves in with him. (Is it just me or would “Moving In” be a more appropriate title for this premise?)

Men was a hard one to get a handle on because the first 15 pages were so steely, so devoid of any humor, that you’re left scratching your head when 30 pages later the script turns into a Jack Black movie. I think the writer might disagree with me here but any script that contains your main character throwing on a Gorilla mask to prevent his wife from recognizing him – even playing off her questions with a series of grunts and nods, is pretty darn broad.

But once you figure out what kind of story you’re being told, it’s not half-bad. Toby moves into “the other man’s” place (Ryan – an artsy surfer bohemian type) which provides some pretty funny moments. Toby listens in on phone conversations with Ryan and his wife. He dolls out bad advice to Ryan. He must listen to Ryan describe having sex with his wife. You know sooner or later he’s going to get caught, and it’s fun watching him squirm his way out of situations before the gig is up.

One of the problems here is buying into the idea that someone would actually do this. Move into someone else’s apartment and pretend you’re another person to get your wife back? Even if you get past this, are you really going to believe that Toby would hire Ryan in an attempt to give him less time with his wife, and inform everybody at the office to go along with it?? That’s risking like 700 lawsuits when Ryan finds out. I maybe could have made this leap if the script had introduced a broader tone. But like I said, it starts out very serious. Once you establish your universe, you can’t just change the rules when you feel like it.

My biggest problem with Men though is that I never really knew any of the characters. Toby was the most developed. But even with him I didn’t know his hopes, his dreams, what it is that made him the man he was. And Ryan, the lover, was basically a cardboard cutout of every bohemian surfer-type you’ve seen at the beach. There was nothing unique or interesting about him. It left me wondering why Toby’s wife liked this guy at all. And because the script ultimately becomes about the friendship of these two “Men”, knowing who they were was pretty important, wouldn’t you think?

Having said that, Men was a breezy read. I wasn’t disappointed in the experience. Just a little confused at times. I hope in the rewrites they fix the tonal problems and beef up the characters . But even if they do, I still have a hard time seeing this get to your local cineplex.