Genre: Psychological Horror / History
Premise: Ten years after the vicious atrocities of the Partition, a Pakistani woman attempts to make peace with the brutal murder of her family when a vengeful spirit returns to haunt her.
Why You Should Read: This is a setting and historical event that has never been depicted in Indian film, let alone Hollywood and is one of the most overlooked humanitarian crises of the 20th century as it came in the immediate aftermath of World War 2. Up to 2 million people died as a result of this mass migration, and the trauma and violence that occurred has formed the rigid backbone of the Pakistan-India conflicts we see today. By taking a supernatural angle, I’ve attempted to manifest the inner turmoil felt by the survivors as well as present a moral conflict for the reader to constantly have in mind throughout. As a Pakistani, this is an extremely important topic to my cultural history, and after hearing some of the absolute horror stories my direct ancestors faced just 70 years ago shook me to my core. This is an event that had a direct impact on every single Pakistani and Indian, and fearlessly showcasing the terror of it all will be something I’ll forever strive to accomplish.
Writers: Raza Rizvi
Details: 88 pages (updated draft from the one that competed in Amateur Showdown last Friday)

Pakistani star Mahira Khan for Fatima?

Not gonna lie.

As I can see the golden shades of the weekend shining just over the Hollywood hills, and all the happiness that comes with them, I was a mite under-prepared for the brutality of this subject matter. With that said, I’ve always been curious about this region of the world. And I was excited to read something from one of the site’s most active contributors. I admire how dedicated Raza is to the craft and how active he’s been in grabbing fate by the horns. He’s really going for it, which is the best way to make it in this business. Let’s take a look at this very personal project of his…

The Well starts off with a preface explaining that in 1947, the British separated India and Pakistan into two separate countries in order to solve the region’s complex religious disparity. For those people who needed to travel to the opposite country, many of them were slaughtered and raped. This story takes place 10 years later in Pakistan and follows Fatima, a 30-something nurse who canes herself every night for unknown reasons. She lives with her husband, Hussein, who works in the mines.

The only light in Fatima’s life is Aisha, her dog, who she found on the day her train to Pakistan was attacked and derailed. Quickly after we meet Fatima and Hussein, an evil spirit in a 17-year-old girl’s body, Jinn, appears in a lake and stumbles into their house. They clean her and clothe her and decide they’ll figure out what to do with her tomorrow.

The next day, Hussien goes off to work in the mines while Fatima does her nursing rounds in the village. While they’re away, Jinn spirit-attacks the dog, leaving it near death. When Fatima returns, she’s furious, convinced Jinn did something to the dog, and takes Aisha out to her friend, who she hopes can save the canine. Meanwhile, Jinn starts walking around the village, sending bad voodoo in every direction. This causes several explosions in the mine which obliterates many of the children who work in its deepest caverns.

We flashback to Fatima’s past where we learn that she once had a daughter. And one day, while getting water from the well, a group of bad men rode up, wanting to hurt and possibly rape them. Fatima and her daughter run to their house and hide, but when it’s clear it will be only a matter of time before the men find and rape her daughter, Fatima repeatedly stabs her daughter in the heart to kill her. It is here where we realize that Jinn is a recreation of who her daughter would be if she were still alive today. And she’s still angry about being murdered by mommy. To drive her point home, she spends the rest of the day laying carnage to the village and everyone in it.

This movie includes a train ride of beaten down souls who then have their train blown up in an attack and the survivors slaughtered by groups of men with swords. For those who survive the attack, they are riddled with bullets. This movie includes a dog that suffers for an excruciatingly long time before he’s finally put out of his misery. It includes 5 year old children pushed into tiny passages in a mine to do their jobs… who then die in a horrifying mine fire. We literally watch them scream as they burn to death. It includes a woman and her daughter who run from a group of evil men. When the men get close enough, the woman stabs and kills her daughter so that she won’t be raped. And that’s just a fraction of how much violence and suffering goes on in this story.

Before I say what I’m about to say, I have to be clear. I’m not a fan of sadness packed on top of sadness. I need balance in my movies. And I need my movies to provide an overall sense of hope. When it comes to horror, I think the formula that works best is when evil disrupts joy, happiness, contentedness. It is the sour added to the sweet that creates a juxtaposition that makes horror work. When you interrupt a terrible situation with an even worse situation, it creates such a sense of despair that the events become uncomfortable to watch.

I’m not sure I know anyone who wants to see a 5-year-old boy who’s been forced to work 16 hours a day in a tiny mine tunnel die as fire melts his skin off in real time. To me, that’s a huge miscalculation in the understanding of what audiences are comfortable with. And also a weakness in understanding how to balance the positive with the negative to keep the viewer engaged. Balancing those opposite ends of the spectrum is often what defines the best storytellers. They know when you’re too down to see another scene of suffering. They know when you’re too comfortable and happy and therefore the perfect moment to throw a death at you. To hit the audience over the head with misery after misery after misery… I don’t know of any successful movies that do this. Even Schindler’s List had its fair share of happy moments. And that was about the Holocaust.

If I could only convey one lesson to Raza in today’s review, it would be to study tone. Understanding tone is natural to some but unnatural to others. And what’s so frustrating is that when it’s unnatural to you, you can’t see the mistake you’re making. To you, it’s obvious you would take a 5-year-old boy who was living a life of suffering and burn him alive in a long torturous death scene. To everybody else, it’s obvious that you would never do something like that in a movie. So what Raza has to do is watch all his favorite movies and take stock of the lowest moments to understand what audiences can handle. Also, take stock of the ratio of positive to negative scenes and how many positive scenes writers will write before they hit them with a negative scene, and vice versa.

Cause the truth is, this story is flawed at the concept level. Like I said, you don’t want to interrupt misery with even worse misery. I don’t think audiences find that compelling. That would be my advice here. With that said, I’m interested in hearing from you cinephiles with a darker palette. Are there movies out there like this that have done well? I openly confess I’m not as knowledgeable about these types of films cause they’re not my cup of tea.

Script link: The Well (new draft)

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Suffering can be used to create sympathy for a character. But there’s a threshold for what the audience can take. Once suffering goes past a certain level, the audience checks out. It becomes too much. And that’s what happened here. Everything was too much.

Duh-duh-duhhhhhhhhhhh!

It’s time, once again, for the dreaded “Why Your Script Didn’t Get Picked For Amateur Showdown.” So here’s the dealio. I WANT TO HELP YOU. I want to put you in the head of the person who’s receiving your query. Most writers never learn why their query was rejected. It’s one of the most frustrating parts of being a screenwriter. It’s like getting dumped but never told why.

One thing you have to remember is that it takes effort to read something. That’s why very few people do it. And most of them only do it if they’ve been told by ten different people and all of the internet that it’s great. That’s why your query is being judged so harshly. People are so lazy, they don’t even want to go through the hassle of clicking the PDF document, downloading it, and then opening it to read the first page.

You have to both excite them with your idea and not say anything that raises any red flags. For example, I might receive a solid logline, then, one sentence later, the writer boasts that it’s his first screenplay. My eyes immediately roll because I now know the script will be bad. To be clear, this post is all about love. It’s about helping you see your pitch through a reader’s eyes. I encourage everyone in the comments to keep the critiques helpful, not hurtful. Let’s get the ball rolling!

Hey Carson – What would happen if you combined the psychological depravity of THE GOOD SON with the science-fiction horror of THE QUIET PLACE?

You’d have GLOBAL POSITIONING, my 71-page, tightly written, fast-paced new sci-fi horror script that I’m submitting for your consideration for Amateur Friday (attached here).

Here are the details:

Title:  Global Positioning

Genre:  Sci-Fi Horror

Premise:  After their iPhone’s GPS is hacked by tech-savvy aliens and they’re re-routed to a remote area to be devoured, a family that’s stranded in their car must survive not only the flesh-eating creatures outside – but their mentally unstable son inside.

Why You Should Read:  In a lot of horror/thriller movies, it’s the squeaky clean good guy versus the pure evil bad guy.  To me it’s more interesting if the so-called good guy is flawed in some way, even borderline bad, which makes for more interesting characters and a richer story.  That’s what I’ve tried to accomplish with this script – combine the psychological depravity of THE GOOD SON with the science-fiction horror of THE QUIET PLACE.  I’d appreciate any and all feedback on it.  Thank you very much!

Sci-fi Horror is a good genre to write in. One of the most difficult challenges in making movies is the marketing aspect. So when you write in a genre that’s highly marketable, you’ve got an instant leg up on the competition. Why didn’t I choose this, then? For starters, I got worried when I saw 71 pages. I know micro-scripts are becoming kind of a thing. But 71 pages is too short for a feature. The main thing that concerned me, however, was that the logline contained shades of comedy even though the script isn’t comedic. An iPhone’s GPS being hacked by “tech-savvy aliens” makes me think comedy immediately. Also, the use of the word “devoured” has comedic roots when you’re talking about aliens coming after you. It has me thinking of movies like Critters or Tremors. Not The Good Son or A Quiet Place. Word choice in a logline is EXTREMELY important. So you want to make sure that the key words you’re using are conveying the proper tone. Finally, it kind of felt like two different movies with the kid aspect. I would say that getting attacked by aliens is enough (we just saw it in the spec sale “Out There” about a family who gets attacked on the highway). To throw a crazy spooky kid into the mix feels like one idea too many. These are the reasons I passed on Global Positioning.

Hi Carson, 

This is again XXXXXXX from Germany. I’d like to present you my 2nd screenplay, the Horror-Thriller “Full Moon Above Central Park”. This is a classical werewolf-stroy in a modern setting. It would be great if you’ve got the time to read it and give my some needed advices and help with imrpoving my writing. 

Logline: When an investigative journalist discovers that a werewolf is responsible for a series of brutal killings in Central Park, she soon has to learn that the real monsters in New York aren’t those who come out at moonlight.

Why you should read: In the last decade, the genre of werewolf-movies almost disappeared, thanks to the s*** “Twilight”-teen-stuff. I can’t remember any good or scary movie in recent years that was as good as classics like “Wolfman” or “American Werewolf”. With my screenplay I want to tell a thrilling, scary and entertaining story with all the well-known elements of the above mentioned movies.
Additionally, I tried to pack a political message about the current greed and egoism of some politicians in my story, so that my script becomes, if you like, a monster-movie at serveral levels ;). 

I respect you und your work at scriptshadow. It would be a real honor if you could read and review my screenplay. 

Greetings from Germany,

I have a lot of love for my readers from different parts of the world. Their journey as a screenwriter is often harder than those of us who live in the US. So I root for you. But you guys have to bring it! As unfair as it sounds, you will be judged more harshly. The people who move to LA tend to be the most serious. So, on average, those scripts are better. But it doesn’t mean you can’t succeed from Germany or Russia or even Iraq. However, YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR A GAME! The very first sentence in this query is grammatically incorrect. It should be, “This is XXXXX from Germany, again.” What that tells me is that the script is going to have ESL (English Second Language) issues. Also, I’m going to make a blanket statement here because this is routinely a problem regardless of experience. Don’t tell anyone how many scripts you’ve written. It’s not a number that helps you. If it’s too low, people think you’re not ready yet. If it’s too high, people are wondering what’s wrong with your writing that you haven’t succeeded yet. So let’s keep that number to yourself.

The logline itself isn’t bad. But it feels too familiar. We basically have a werewolf killing people in Central Park. What I would tell this writer is to set his werewolf movie somewhere interesting in Germany. Half the screenplays written are set in New York and yet you’re intimately familiar with this entire country that most Americans have never been to. Use that to your advantage, like the way Neill Blomkamp used South America to create a unique alien movie with District 9.

P.S. For you non-English speakers, find someone from the U.S. or U.K. (or the Aussies!) to proofread your e-mail queries. And if you need someone to do a full script ESL proofread (would cost $$), e-mail me (carsonreeves1@gmail.com) and I’ll hook you up with someone. This stuff matters, guys. You don’t want to shoot yourself in the foot before they’ve even gotten to your script.

HORROR, DRAMA.

LOG LINE – During WW1, Russian and German soldiers agree to a cease fire due to attacks by a super pack of Wolves.  Joining forces they fight in this tour de force.

Hey Carson, I’m hoping you read my script!  I’m a Father of three, who got this writing bug a year and a half a go.  I work a labor intensive and  monotonous job but that’s alright it gives me a lot of time to think and dream up these characters and worlds.  I get support from my wife and kids, even though they think I’m a little crazy, but I’m just crazy enough to believe my scripts will be made into MOVIES one day.

These queries kill me because I know how many of you out there are working these jobs you don’t like, having to dedicate all your time and money to your family, giving you very little time/resources to pursue your screenwriting dream. But here’s the thing you have to realize – Hollywood doesn’t care how bad your struggle is. They care how good your script is. And there’s a certain level of professionalism that is expected of you in order for someone to open your script. This query sub-communicates that you’re still in the beginning stages of learning the craft. The logline isn’t bad. I like the visual of World War 1 and wolves. But the end of the logline is a classic, “I don’t know how to finish a logline” ending where you sort of taper off into a general implication of what’s going to happen. The end of the logline needs to be STRONG. It needs to have punch and tell us what’s happening. “When a group of scientists come for an early look at the world’s first dinosaur theme park, a giant storm derails their tour and unleashes a T-Rex and a pack of velociraptors on them.” That’s Jurassic Park. Notice how the end gives us these intense images of needing to escape these deadly monsters. Again, I wouldn’t tell anyone how long you’ve been doing this. It’s too often used to make assumptions. But yeah, the main thing here is that the writer didn’t seem ready for prime time.

Hey Carson!

This is my first time submitting, but after following your site for about two years now, I feel confident enough in it to throw it out there!

Title: A Left Swipe
Genre: Coming-of-age Drama
Premise: A morally righteous high schooler aims to lose his virginity before heading off to college by using the notorious hookup app, Tinder.
Why You Should Read: Everyone remembers the tumultuous period that follows immediately graduating high school. You’re told that you just lived through the best years of your life, your parents start to stress about whether or not you plan to live with them for the next twenty years, and, for the first time, you have to actually make a decision for yourself as to what you want your future to be. All this stress and more befalls my protagonist who, like many high school graduates, is deeply concerned over how he’s still a virgin. In this sometimes funny, sometimes heart-wrenching story, I look into the awkward expectations placed onto high school graduates, the tragedy of expectations, and the depersonalizing nature of modern relationships, all in a clean 89 pages! Hope you enjoy.

Love that this writer finally had the courage to put his work out there for others to read. That’s not easy to do! So props for that. Here’s the problem with this idea. It’s too simplistic and general. There’s nothing unique about it. And I get what the writer is saying. He wants to tell a universal story. Which is smart. Your characters need to be experiencing universal problems so that the audience can relate to him. But that doesn’t mean you get to package it in such a simplistic manner. I mean, this is a movie about someone trying to get laid. That’s not just a regular plot I’ve seen thousands of times. It’s a SUBPLOT I’ve seen thousands of times. That’s a good indication that your concept is weak – if it’s something that could be a subplot in another film. Also, Tinder. People: technology ideas date quickly. I’d stay away from them unless the technology is BRAND NEW and the concept is worth the risk of its short shelf life. I do give the writer credit for adding “morally righteous” to the character description as it adds some irony to his situation. But it’s still not enough to get past the unoriginal premise. But keep at it! You just have to continue to write and get better. Oh, and here’s a tip. Get your super-honest friends to look at your concepts ahead of time. If they’re not excited about them, maybe you want to keep generating ideas before you commit the next six months of your life to something.

Hi Carson,

Grateful if you would consider my vampire ice hockey script “Five For Biting” for a spot on AOW. Details below:

Title: Five For Biting
Genre: Adventure/ Mystery
Logline: When a visiting hockey team turn the population of their town into bloodthirsty vampires, it is left to the only people who can match them on the ice to stop them – the local school figure skating team

WYSR: Ever wondered what you’d get when you mixed The Lost Boys with The Mighty Ducks and added a splash of The Goonies?? Well now you can find out! This script is inspired by the fascinating historical account of the remote Colorado mountain town that was descended upon by “vampire-like personages” during the silver rush of the late 1800’s. “Five For Biting” both incorporates and builds upon that famous folklore in a supposition of how a similar event may occur in the present day, told from the perspective of a group of small town kids each dealing with the growing pains of adolescence in addition to the imminent destruction of their home by bloodsucking vampires. Hopefully those things appeal to enough people to get some reads and feedback. I’d love to know what you guys think.

I’ve come across this submission a few times and each time I read it, I have the same thought, which is, “There’s too much going on here.” For starters, it’s not the easiest logline to understand. “When a visiting hockey team turn the population of their town into bloodthirsty vampires…”. If they’re the “visiting” team, and they’re turning the population of “their” town into vampires, wouldn’t that mean that the vampires were miles away, back in their home town? I think you’re saying they’re turning *this* town into vampires, but that’s far from clear in the logline. Then it seems that the vampires – your big hook – aren’t relevant to the story, as you point out that the local figure skating team is going to take on the hockey team. So where do the vampires come in? One of two things is going on here. Either the idea is too complicated. Or you’re not conveying the idea clearly enough. This is why I encourage writers to get feedback on their logline. You’re so close to it that any version of the story you write down will make sense to you. But to somebody unfamiliar with your script, the logline might seem like a jumble of dissociated ideas. I will say that the idea is original. I like the use of real lore as inspiration. But the logline’s got to be clear!

And that concludes another episode of “Why Your Script Didn’t Get Picked For Amateur Showdown” Use your comments to help these writers out. And if you want to submit to Amateur Offerings, follow the instructions at the top of this post!

Yo, do you have a logline that isn’t working? Are those queries going out unanswered? Try out my logline service. It’s 25 bucks for a 1-10 rating, 150 word analysis, and a logline rewrite. I also have a deluxe service for 40 dollars that allows for unlimited e-mails back and forth where we tweak the logline until you’re satisfied. I consult on everything screenwriting related (first page, first ten pages, first act, outlines, and of course, full scripts). So if you’re interested in getting some quality feedback, e-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com with the subject line: “CONSULTATION” and I’ll get back to you right away!

I don’t want to sway anything here (I haven’t opened the script) but I’m excited that the Scriptshadow 10 Pages Contest winner is participating in this week’s Amateur Showdown. If you’re curious about what happened to that winning script, I’ll let him field questions in the comments.

Now before we get started, I want to share a quick piece of screenwriting advice. Don’t send me scripts that center around slackers. That’s not because I have a prejudice against slackers. But a “slacker” is all of the things that a good movie character is not. He’s lazy. He’s passive. He’s reactive. And because he’s rarely active, we have to wait for the movie to come to him. There are a few comedy situations where slackers work. But whenever I see “slacker” in a logline, my eyes inadvertently roll. I would never presume what other readers like. But it’s safe to say that a slacker hero isn’t going to get anyone excited to read your script. UNLESS it’s the most hilarious premise ever. I’m bringing this up because I read five slacker submissions today.

Okay, onto the contest. You know how we do it!

Screenwriter Showdown is a single weekend tournament where the scripts have been vetted from a pile of hundreds to be featured here, for your entertainment. It’s up to you to read as much of each script as you can, then vote for your favorite in the comments section. Whoever receives the most votes by Sunday 11:59pm Pacific Time gets a review next Friday.

Let’s get some fresh blood into the next showdown! Send a PDF of your script to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the title, genre, logline, and why you think your script should get a shot.

Good luck, everyone!

Title: Tilly Willy and his Neighbourhood Pals
Genre: Psychological Horror
Logline: A kidnapped children’s TV show host tries to earn his freedom.
Why You Should Read: Because who doesn’t love a children’s tv show in the horror genre? Also, I know you like a strong opening and I think I have exactly the type of opening you’re looking for. It’s also a contained story because I plan on filming it, which is nice with all the Blockbusters coming out.

Title: Blood Law
Genre: Revenge Thriller
Logline: A Native American ex-con looking into the disappearance of his niece finds himself on a rage-fueled journey into snuff filmmaking and 1970’s Hollywood.
Why You Should Read: Sometimes a character pops off your imagination and demands a story be written about them. John Rainbird is that character and ‘Blood Law’ is that story. It’s a gritty, unexpected, unique script with a life of its own. It’s quirky. It’s violent. It’s full of colorful and engaging characters. ‘Blood Law’ scored a coveted 8 on the Blacklist (their take: “This bloody and visceral thriller doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to its depictions of brutality and violence, but it also sports top-notch characterizations, finely crafted dialogue, and a setting absolutely dripping with tone and style: a modern love letter to the classic “revenge” films of the drive-in cinema age.”), garnered some interest from an independent producer and a major production company where the the Head of Story Development is a major advocate (Email I got from him shortly after he received the script, word for word: I wanted to let you know that I’m on page 43 of Blood Law and I had to stop and shoot you an email to tell you how much I’m loving this script.) I’m very proud of this script and eager to keep the momentum going. Would be thrilled to get the Scriptshadow community’s take. Thanks a million.

Title: The Gateway
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Logline: After losing his day job, a struggling artist and his progressive girlfriend move in with her Christian-conservative parents in an attempt to get back on their feet… only to realize that her parents release demons from hell through a doorway hidden in their house.
Why You Should Read: I’m a Nicholl quarter-finalist of 2018 and I read the site every day. One notion that always stuck out to me, is the importance of having “that scene.” I believe there are couple here; one of which was inspired by something on your ‘favorite movies’ list of 2018. Also, the social commentary came to me upon conception of the idea and I can’t ignore its ties to current trends. I had a ton of fun writing the characters (most important to me, anyway), but I’m hoping to get the your take on how it stacks up.

Title: THE GRID
Format: Pilot (hour long)
Logline: When an up-and-coming journalist is tasked with finding the story that caused his mentor to disappear, he will uncover a shocking conspiracy that will threaten his news outlet’s very existence and shake the entire country to its core.
Why You Should Read: With so many cop, lawyer and doctor shows everywhere, I’ve always found it odd that journalist shows never really break out. There’s suspense, intrigue, secrets, great characters and plenty of shows use those characters as sub-plots, but none as the primary. The exception was The Newsroom, but that was much more political than anything else, based on tv journalism and not remotely the direction this goes.

I find the profession fascinating (politics aside) and would love to have the opportunity to explore characters and plotlines in and around this field. This particular pilot isn’t written with any act breaks because I received feedback that it would be better to write with an online target audience in mind.

I’d love to get any feedback available to make this as great as it can be.

Thank you for the consideration!

Title: The Well
Genre: Psychological Horror / History
Logline: Ten years after the vicious atrocities of the Partition, a Pakistani woman attempts to make peace with the brutal murder of her family when a vengeful spirit returns to haunt her.
Why You Should Read: This is a setting and historical event that has never been depicted in Indian film, let alone Hollywood and is one of the most overlooked humanitarian crises of the 20th century as it came in the immediate aftermath of World War 2. Up to 2 million people died as a result of this mass migration, and the trauma and violence that occurred has formed the rigid backbone of the Pakistan-India conflicts we see today. By taking a supernatural angle, I’ve attempted to manifest the inner turmoil felt by the survivors as well as present a moral conflict for the reader to constantly have in mind throughout. As a Pakistani, this is an extremely important topic to my cultural history, and after hearing some of the absolute horror stories my direct ancestors faced just 70 years ago shook me to my core. This is an event that had a direct impact on every single Pakistani and Indian, and fearlessly showcasing the terror of it all will be something I’ll forever strive to accomplish.

This week started off on a bad note.

It: Chapter 2, a movie I once proclaimed had the potential to be the best movie of the year, turned out to be a big stinking bag of garbage. You know what kind of garbage I’m talking about. The kind where you clean out your fridge into the garbage bag but you still wait a few days before taking the bag out? Yeah, well It: 2 was SO BAD that if I were given the choice to either smell that bag for thirty minutes or sit through that 3 hour movie again, I would choose the bag.

However, then, like an angel coming down from the heavens, the Joker script arrived. How amazing was this script? It received a “double impressive!!!” I’ve given out four “double impressives” in the totality of Scriptshadow. What was interesting about reviewing these stories back to back is that I was directly able to contrast why one plunged and the other soared. Joker was great due to its utterly simple structure. It followed one man on a simple and clear journey. “It 2,” meanwhile, covered an endless number of characters, which sent the narrative in a million different directions, leaving us with a sprawling mess of a story. This, I proclaimed, is why you should always favor SIMPLE STORIES.

But there were a number of you who argued that there are lots of movies with multiple protagonists that are great. The first “It” had multiple characters and it did well. Then you have Avengers, Guardians, Fast and Furious, X-Men, Star Wars, Toy Story, Glass, Good Boys. It could be argued that Hollywood FAVORS the multiple-protagonist approach. Well hold on there, Sally. We still have John Wick, Captain Marvel, Spider-Man, Aladdin, and Shazam! to name a few of the big movies this year. But there is truth to the idea that more movies contain larger casts with sprawling stories. And that if you want to be a big-league writer – I’m talking one of these A-listers making 7 figures an assignment – you need to know how to write big sprawling complex scripts.

So let’s get the obvious out of the way. A script with a single hero is going to be easier to write. Period. If you have one hero, you only need to worry about one plot goal and one character transformation. Therefore you can focus all of your creative energy on making those perfect. That’s what Joker did. Arthur wanted to be a famous comedian. That’s his goal. His transformation revolved around an inability to connect with the world and the lengths he would go to make that connection. Boom. Perfect.

Once you move to a property like Avengers, you’re having to worry about that x 7. But let’s get something clear. Marvel is an enigma. It has two advantages nobody else has. It’s dealing with characters with 50+ years of history who the average person already knows. And they treat their films like TV shows, not movies. They’re connected. This means that by the time we get to an Avengers movie, we know everyone intimately. And that means the writers don’t have to spend precious time setting characters up or giving you important backstory, all of the things that can weigh a screenplay down. All they have to do is convey the plot clearly and occasionally check in to make sure you know what’s going on.

Bringing this back to today’s argument, you’ll never have that Marvel security blanket if you yourself write a multi-protagonist script. You’ll have to meticulously set everyone up, which will take seven times as long because you’ve got seven main characters instead of one. And then, once that’s over, you’ll have to set up what your characters are actually trying to do. And once that’s over, you have to bounce back and forth between each storyline in a way that keeps all the storylines going without us forgetting about or getting confused about what’s going on. You are also battling the juggernaut known as pacing. This is what destroyed It 2. Technically, we knew that each of the characters was trying to get their individual artifact. So there were clear character goals for everyone going into our second act. But each storyline was so similar and so monotonous that it began to feel like a relay race with the school’s slowest runners. Now it’s your turn to be see something scary. Now it’s your turn to see something scary. Now it’s your turn to see something scary. When I talk to people about that movie, that’s the section where they all say they checked out.

The problem that they run into and that you’ll run into when you try and write a big sprawling script, is that, inevitably, three or four of your characters won’t be that interesting. So now you’re stuck giving uninteresting characters full on scenes and it isn’t working because the characters are inherently flawed. Who cares about the fat kid turned hunk? Who cares about Eddie? Who cares about grown-up Beverly Marsh? She’s a dud. When you’re writing a single-hero story, you can put all of your time and effort into making that character the greatest most compelling most interesting character ever so that we’ll want to be around them every single second. This is how scripts like Nightcrawler get written.

HOWEVER, if you absolutely must write a big sprawling complex story with lots of characters, I have a few tips for you. First, use a MacGuffin. Create one thing that everybody is after. Greatest MacGuffin ever? The Ark of the Covenant. If you have a great MacGuffin, it ensures that the audience always knows what your characters are after. Whether it’s in minute 20 or minute 80, we know they’re still after that MacGuffin. And that makes up for one of the complex movie’s biggest weaknesses – its lack of focus. With a big clear MacGuffin, you can make your complex movie almost as focused as a John Wick.

Next – make sure the setup behind your characters’ motivations makes sense. The worst thing that can happen in a big sprawling movie is for the audience to start questioning why the characters are doing what they’re doing. This is what separates the great “It” from the terrible “It 2.” In the first movie, they’re kids who are STUCK IN THEIR TOWN when an evil clown starts hunting them. Think about that for a second. Kids can’t leave their homes. They are prisoners to their town until they’re old enough. This is why “It” worked so much better. Our characters had no choice but to fight the clown.

Contrast that with It:2 where the characters are all adults, and therefore can leave whenever they want. Now I know what a few of you are thinking. “No Carson. If they leave the town, they’ll die.” Says who? How do they know that? Where’s the proof? There isn’t any. The only reason you’re saying that is because a character said it. And the only reason a character said it is because the writer realized they had to come up with a reason why these people didn’t just hightail it out of here. So MAYBE if they try and leave, they die. Maybe. Cause somehow Pennywise has that power. Maybe. — When you start forcing desperate shaky reasoning into your character’s mouths to cover up plot holes, I got news for you buddy. Your script is in major trouble. You want your logic and motivation built into the story’s foundation, like “It” had.

Finally, if at all possible, avoid fractionating your characters. JJ Abrams hasn’t talked about Rise of Skywalker much. But one of the things he made very clear was that all the characters were going to be on an adventure together this time. This is because JJ understands that the more you divide your characters up, the more potentially confusing and rambling your story gets, and the more likely you’re going to come up with a dud sub-plot, like Canto Bite. So here’s the rule. Keep all your characters together if possible. If you’re going to split them up, limit it to two groups. It’s still possible to come up with two awesome parallel plotlines in a single movie. However, if you decide to divide your big group into three or more sub-groups, you might as well call your local funeral home and ask them if you can get an early discount on a casket. It’s not that it can’t be done. And I’m not talking about splitting individuals up, which is often done during the climax of, say, a horror film. But if you’re writing one of these big sprawling movies with multiple plotlines and multiple groups of characters, the level of screenwriting expertise required to pull that off is higher than you can imagine.

This is why I tell every aspiring screenwriter: Don’t write The Godfather before you’ve proven you can write Rocky. Don’t write The Departed before you’ve proven you can write Taken. Don’t write Inception before you’ve proven you can write The Terminator. And don’t write The Dark Knight before you’ve proven you can write “Joker.”

Yo, do you have a logline that isn’t working? Are those queries going out unanswered? Try out my logline service. It’s 25 bucks for a 1-10 rating, 150 word analysis, and a logline rewrite. I also have a deluxe service for 40 dollars that allows for unlimited e-mails back and forth where we tweak the logline until you’re satisfied. I consult on everything screenwriting related (first page, first ten pages, first act, outlines, and of course, full scripts). So if you’re interested in getting some quality feedback, e-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com with the subject line: “CONSULTATION” and I’ll get back to you right away!

Genre: Thriller
Premise: An inexperienced Coast Guard Captain is put to the test when a simple submarine drug bust nets her one of the most notorious drug lords in the world.
About: This script finished low on last year’s Black List and comes from newbie writer Alex Sohn, who adapted the story from a Men’s Journal article titled, “DRUG WAR ON THE HIGH SEAS: BEHIND THE COAST GUARD’S BILLION-DOLLAR BUSTS.”
Writers: Alex Sohn (based on the aforementioned article by Hunter Atkins)
Details: 116 pages

Meghan Markle for Andi? Are duchesses still allowed to act?

Hey, look at me. Look at me. I am the captain now.

Three cheers to any script that inspires you to say that out loud to your nearby confused pet. What’s happening right now? Are we really going to get two IMPRESSIVES in a row? What is this, 2010, when I loved anything that had time travel or a talking animal in it? Okay, I still love time travel and talking animals (has there ever been a script with time travel AND talking animals??). But usually when you get down to the Black List basement, you find a bunch of clingers (“clingers” – adjective – definition: screenplays desperately holding onto the bottom of the Black List despite displaying no inherent skill other than knowing how to use Final Draft).

I knew right away that this script had a chance from its logline: “An inexperienced Coast Guard Captain…”. Had the word “inexperienced” not been here, I wouldn’t have opened the script. Why? Because that’s the whole movie right there. That’s where you get your main source of conflict. And identifying a source of conflict that’s going to last you an entire movie is one of the keys to writing a great script. If this is just a regular captain who gets stuck in this situation – or worse, a well-equipped captain – well then we’re pretty confident that they’re going to figure it out. People watch movies to find out what happens next. If you already know what happens next, there’s no reason to watch the movie.

26 year old Andi Mitchell is an Operations Commander on a Coast Guard ship. After the ship picks up four members of a drug boat carrying 400 kilos of cocaine, Andi’s captain delivers her some bad news. A hurricane is coming down the pike and all Coast Guard ships will be needed for rescue. However, they can’t rescue anyone with 4 drug dealers on their boat. So they’re shipping in a first generation iPhone type Coast Guard ship to hold the passengers until they clear extradition.

In other words, while the Coast Guard gets to go off into the hurricane and be all heroic, Andi has to babysit a bunch of tired drug runners. So Andi is given a ragtag B-crew of 10 men and told to hang tight. Not long after the Coast Guard leaves, however, Andi spots a pipe sticking out of the water. It’s a narco sub. Once the sub surfaces, her and her men board it and capture a mysterious man who just happens to be carrying a million dollars with him.

Not long after they bring the man onboard, their radar picks up a dot. A boat coming towards them. Then a second dot. Then five dots. Then ten. Then twenty. Then thirty. Andi decides very quickly that THEY NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. They redline the ancient boat but the drug boats are gaining. After a chat with the Coast Guard, Andi learns what all the hubbub’s about. They’ve just picked up Salvador Morales, the biggest drug lord in Guatemala.

Out of nowhere, their boat shuts off. It’s too old to handle this Miami Vice sh&%. And with it goes the radio. Not only are they cornered, but they’ve got no way to tell anyone that they’re cornered. Andi charges down to Morales to find out what’s going on. He informs her that these men are not his friends. They’re his enemies. And they’re going to do anything to capture him alive. And if that fails? They’ll just blow up the ship. It will be up to the inexperienced Andi to make sure that doesn’t happen.

When I read a script, I have to have at least one scene I know is going to play like gangbusters in the trailer, and one unforgettable set piece that’s going to play like gangbusters in the movie. “Coast Guard” aces this test. The trailer moment is when the dots start appearing on the radar. One, two, five, ten, twenty, thirty. I love that THAT’S when we realize who they just picked up. They’re not told at first. It’s those dots appearing. That’s when we know this is serious.

The set piece is when they realize they’re going to die unless they can call for help. And Andi gets the idea to swim to a small boat that they’ve managed to take out. Everyone on that ship is dead and they have a radio. So she swims there without being seen, gets on the boat, realizes one of the men is still barely alive, calls for help on the radio, only for the boat to be boarded while she’s on it, forcing her to hide under one of the bodies, and somehow, some way, gets off of the boat alive. A great tense 10 minute set piece.

There’s some fun character work as well. I’m all for big hidden character secrets that are revealed late. But if it’s a random secret, it won’t land. It has to connect with the story in some way. For example, if it turns out Andi accidentally killed her kid in a car crash a year ago – dead child reveal is a VERY COMMON reveal I read in scripts – that can be in any script because of how non-specific it is, and therefore it lands with a thud. But what we learn here is that Andi used to be a major drug addict and gang member. It works because the whole movie is her angrily wanting to take down every single drug runner. So when that reveal comes, we finally understand why.

KYSM. Know Your Subject Matter. I knew I was in good hands right away after reading this line. “They have to stay in international waters until their extradition clears. That could be days. Or weeks.” It might seem like a nothing-line to the casual reader. But I’ve read all the lazy writers who would write a script about the Coast Guard and have no idea what extradition is or how it works. That line gave me the confidence that the writer was on top of this world.

And guys, research isn’t just to placate readers like me. The more you know, the more plot avenues are available to you. Extradition creates a very unique plot situation here, which ends up getting them into trouble. They can’t leave international waters until the extradition clears. So they’re stuck here. Had the writer not known about extradition, then Andi can bring the criminals back to the U.S. and the movie’s over.

And finally, can I just say how great water is for a movie? It traps your characters, infusing your script with drama before you’ve even written anything. You just have to make sure when you write something on water that the execution is great, like it is here, since it’s really hard to shoot on water. There are men and women in Hollywood still scarred by the productions of Waterworld and Titanic. So make sure your script is killer.

[ ] What the hell did I just watch?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the price of admission
[x] impressive
[ ] genius


What I learned: Whenever your script hits a lull (you can feel it as you’re reading it back to yourself), introduce a NEW TICKING TIME BOMB. This will create the script equivalent of a double shot of espresso. Here, we’d been in this standoff with the drug ships for 30-40 pages. It wasn’t getting boring. But the script definitely needed a spark. So what they did was they had one of the boat hands realize that the drug runners were waiting for the cover of nighttime. That’s when they were going to strike. This created an entirely new sense of urgency since they now needed to execute a plan before nightfall.