Genre: Dark Comedy
Premise: A manager at a small town fast food restaurant must use every resource available to come up with 10 grand in 24 hours, after losing a “sure-thing” bet.
About: This finished near the middle of the pack of last year’s Black List with 11 votes. Writer Jeff Lock, who worked as an assistant for director Allen Coulter (Extant) made the unique choice of sending his script out without getting representation first. It’s a rare luxury people with contacts in the business can afford to do. As such, it creates a buzz on both the buying end and on the representation end, allowing you to get more bang for your buck. Of course, the script has to be good to pull it off. And Beef (described as the next “Fargo”) is definitely that.
Writer: Jeff Lock
Details: 106 pages – January 2014 draft

Rockwell for Jason?

Remember when spec script, Moonfall, with its infamous storm on the moon scene, was being trumpeted as “Fargo on the moon.” And everyone got all excited about the possibilities of that until they read the thing and realized the script couldn’t have been more un-Fargo if it had tried?

Well, luckily, today’s script, also described as “Fargo-esque” actually IS like Fargo. It’s got the small town feel to it. It’s got some fucked up weird characters. It’s got an anti-hero who finds himself falling deeper and deeper into his own concocted demise. It’s got that dark black humor that served Fargo so well.

The only thing it doesn’t have is that “Coens” branded name attached to it. And that’ll be its biggest hurdle in its attempt to become a film that people actually see.

“Beef” follows gambling-addict Jason, the manger of a Muncie, Indiana “Beefy’s” who’s just lost a bet on the Indy 500 of all things, and now owes 10,000 dollars to the local bookie. The problem is Jason doesn’t have 10,000 dollars. But he does have Beefy’s.

In his eternal wisdom, Jason decides to exploit a company policy which forces employees to acquiesce to anyone robbing the store. Jason tells the bookie’s assistant to come visit him after closing hours tomorrow, he’ll hand over all the money in the safe, plus an extra grand for the trouble, and then tell the police some black guy in a ski mask stole it.

It seems like such a simple plan. Until just about everything that can go wrong the next day does. First of all, Beefy’s only has about half of what he owes. So he needs to make another five grand by the end of the day before the “robbery” occurs.

His oldest employee, Florence, starts off the day by having a heart attack and dying. His two stoned minimum-wage employees both throw up and pass out when they see this. For this reason, all the roast beef burns in the oven, leaving Jason with five grand to make and not a single roast to work with.

So he sends the stoned employees over to the other Beefy’s across town to get more roasts – a tricky endeavor since the manager at the store hates Jason and would rather have sex with a cow than give away his precious roast beef. In the meantime, the bookie’s assistant starts spreading the word that you can just walk into Beefy’s and they’re forced to hand over whatever money they have, so now other people want to rob the store too.

And let’s not forget about the sociopathic freaky-as-all-hell Deer-Heads. These are the guys who work for the man who owns Jason’s bookie. They learn that the bookie is planning on skipping town and not paying up, forcing them to get involved with poor Jason, who doesn’t have anything to do with that end of the problem.

The truth is, all Jason wants to do is get past this and get the hell out of Muncie. Move to Florida, get a job he loves instead of one he loathes, and live a happy life. But as this day goes on, it becomes more and more unclear if he’ll make it out alive.

Beef was a juicy script. I mean, it’s a little bit frustrating because you know it’s probably going to be a movie that stars Sam Rockwell that will be shot in 23 days and therefore have that rushed look that only a Sundance mother can love.

But as a screenplay, this is a great piece of writing to study and I’ll tell you why. It uses one of the most powerful tools in screenwriting. The tool of “How can I make things as difficult as possible for my hero?”

Because that’s all this script is. Jason gets into a classic movie dilemma. He owes a lot of money within a timeframe that he can’t meet. His goal is to get that money. The stakes are if he doesn’t, they kill him. And the urgency is 24 hours.

Once you have a clear GSU situation set up, you can start to utilize the WTWTTCH (what’s the worst thing that can happen) tool. For example, what’s the worst thing that could happen when Jason walks into the store the next morning? Well, one of his employees is dead!

What’s the next worst thing? Well, all the beef he needs to sell that day has been burned. What’s the next worst thing? The only place he can get new beef won’t give it to him.

Almost every single segment of this screenplay is Jason needing something and something getting in the way of that need.

For example, Jason needs to make a ton of money today and the regular everyday foot traffic isn’t going to cut it. So he makes a call out to local sports teams, stores, universities – and gets them to order Beefy’s catering that day. This provides an opportunity to throw more obstacles into the mix. When these people show up to collect their food, he doesn’t even have the beef! So he has to figure out a way to get them the food.

In the business world, you’re supposed to come from a place of YES. When the customer wants something, you always say “yes.” In the screenwriting world – particularly in regards to your main character – you want to come from a place of NO. You always want to deny them what they want, as that will force them to find other ways to get what they want, and those ways tend to be more entertaining.

There’s one other tip I wanted to highlight with this screenplay. When you place your hero in a dangerous situation – one where they owe money for example – you must show the reader what will happen if the goal isn’t met. Because if we don’t get the sense that our main character is in any real danger, we’ll never feel that afraid for him throughout the movie.

I like to call this the villain’s “proof of concept” scene. It’s the scene where we show just how fucking evil and terrifying our villain is. So in Beef, when Jason initially comes to his bookie to tell him he doesn’t have the money, Lock writes this scene where the bookie calls his little niece down, gives her a giant shotgun she can barely hold, places an apple on Jason’s head, and tells her to shoot it off.

There’s this lingering sense of dread as the little girl’s muscles strain just to keep the gun propped up and pointed at the apple. At the last second, the bookie doesn’t go through with it, but the message is clear. This guy doesn’t fuck around. He will kill you in some sick sociopathic way if you don’t deliver. And now the rest of the journey feels purposeful, since we’ve LITERALLY SEEN what will happen if Jason fails.

Movies like Beef are at a crossroads these days. Unless you have that big a) director or b) actor that allows you to make an Oscar run, more and more of these films are going straight to Itunes, which means a lot of people are missing them. Beef is right on that cusp of being either the “forgettable Itunes” movie or the “Oscar contender.” It’ll all depend on who they get. I wish them luck because this was a good script.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Take your script to Obstacle City – Just look for ways to place as many obstacles in the way of your hero as possible. Obstacles are where conflict comes from. And conflict leads to drama. This is what the Coens do really well, and it’s a big part of why they’re known as two of the best screenwriters in the business.

I’ll start today’s Amateur Offerings out by offering a couple of tips.  It’s funny because the things I assume are common sense are mistakes I keep seeing over and over again.  First, when you’re submitting a script anywhere, don’t start your e-mail with “To Whom It May Concern.” Know where and who you’re sending your script to and address them personally. In a world where people are so busy that they’re looking for every excuse to say no, an informal greeting gurantees your query won’t be read. In addition to this, please know the difference between words like “it’s” and “its” and “who’s” and “whose.” I will, without hesitation, dismiss these queries as soon as I read the misused word. This may seem cruel. But my experiences have taught me that these are always the sloppiest scripts.  Okay, here are this week’s contenders!  Read and tell us what you think in the comments.

Title: New Coke
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Premise: In 1985 the Coca-Cola company made the epicallly boneheaded decision to discontinue its original flavor in favor of a newer, sweeter one. A national nightmare ensued, which forever changed the destinies of three southern families.
Why You Should Read: It’s a mostly true story about one of the most fascinating marketing cases of modern times. Yes, it could be considered a long commercial for Coca-Cola, but it worked out for “The Lego Movie”, didn’t it?

Title: Wars of Eternal Spring
Genre: Martial arts/Asian epic
Logline: A rebellious-minded woman in ancient China seeks the help of Shaolin to save her village from a love-obsessed General and his bloodthirsty Captain.
Why You Should Read:  I’m a 44 year-old soccer mom who secretly loves kung fu. There are a lot of us out there – sneaking into Man of Tai Chi after the lights go down; snagging a $5 copy of Ip Man at 2nd & Charles so the Netflix queue stays “clean.” Every day we chauffeur, tend, cook, coordinate and cajole while desperately longing to settle things with a swift scorpion kick.

“Wars of Eternal Spring” took shape after the perfect storm of a “fu-binge,” Robert Downey, Jr. interview and spur-of-the-moment Google on “Wing Chun style.” Not long afterwards I read that Keanu Reeves was looking for his “next story” to direct. Filling needs is practically my raison d’etre these days, so the off-hand words of a man I’m never likely to meet were more than enough to fuel a feeble flame and get writing.

I gave myself a year. I even told my therapist. In between writing bouts I read screenplays and books on creative processes, story structure and character development. I searched high and low for a critique group. All the while I worked, re-worked and started to get a sense of how much time, realistically, writing anything worthwhile takes.

I believe that the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement. Your professional, experienced review would go a long way toward helping me do that. Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Title: Lights On The Lake
Genre: Sci-Fi Thriller
Logline: When a young woman fails to convince a small town that a former Nazi scientist is responsible for the death of her husband, she decides to destroy the menace herself.
Why you should read: I’ve spent a few years researching MK-Ultra and other Cold War mind control experiments from the early-1950’s. What I found most fascinating was the shadowy personnel employed by the government agencies as well as the strong resistance of the local populations, even though many of them where being completely misled by authorities.

Title: West Carver High
Genre: Horror
Logline: After all the teachers of a small-town high school disappear out of thin air, the students find themselves trapped in the building with man-eating wendigos… and no one is coming to save them.
Why You Should Read: You know what I hate in horror films? Dumb teenagers. I’d like to think this script is mostly absent of that, at least as far as “hey guys let’s put ourselves in danger because reasons!” I also wanted to capture how a group of teenagers would react in the face of an extraordinary, otherworldly event with no adult oversight. In this case, much of the student body reacts in a horrifying way: by building and supporting a monstrous social hierarchy just as threatening as the “real” monsters hiding in the school. I pitch it as in the vein of THE SHINING and LORD OF THE FLIES. Oh, and one more thing: an older draft of this made the semi finals in the Creative World Awards — so I’d love your perspective to help bring this script to the next level. Thank you!

Title: Condemned
Genre: Horror
Premise: Controlled-demolition experts tasked with bringing down an eerie grand hotel awaken the deadly supernatural force inside, putting them into a fight for their lives to escape (It’s the Overlook Hotel from THE SHINING meets explosive experts).
Why you should read: Since our last Amateur Friday appearance, we’ve been working hard to hone our craft and learn from our shortcomings on THE HOSTAGE. Have we made forward progress? We’re hoping Scriptshadow fans would like to know! Our latest collaboration, CONDEMNED, works in the same low-budget horror realm as THE HOSTAGE, but (hopefully) has richer characters and more satisfying surprises. Is the second time the charm? (Although, to be clear, the first time was definitely a charm–Scriptshadow got that script optioned.

Genre: Thriller
Premise: A “Gone Girl” like tale where a young girl goes missing and the father becomes the number one suspect… but not for what you’d expect.
About: One of the hottest young writer-directors out there is Damien Chazelle. Chazelle started off with a movie I still think explored the most ridiculous premise of that year (Grand Piano – about a pianist being texted by a killer during his concert performance). Then, of course, he broke through with last year’s Sundance hit, Whiplash, which has since gone on to nab five Oscar nominations. Nice! This script is a recent Black Lister.
Writer: Damien Chazelle
Details: 120 pages (undated)

Chazelle (middle) with his Whiplash team.

One of the things I’ve noticed a lot lately while reading screenplays is that they’re very “screenplay-y.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? It means that I’m very aware that I’m reading a screenplay and, because of that, it’s hard for me to suspend my disbelief.

Now screenwriting has always carried this handicap of forcing writers to write inside the most writing-unfriendly format there is. There are ugly capitalized lines at the top of scenes that say things like “INT.” You’ve got weird and varied margins. The writing style is often clipped and abrupt.

All these things castrate any chance a screenplay has at naturalism.  And if I’m being honest, it’s started to bother me. FRANK. Dashes forward. Gets to Monica. Boom. They tumble.  Whatever happened to sentence structure???

I understand that sometimes you’re writing an action scene and writing in bursts helps convey energy. But every once in awhile I’ll see a writer use a full clean well-written sentence, and I’ll feel like I’m actually reading again. There’s something to be said for words flowing into one another – for us to take a journey through a sentence.

Frank dashes forward. He catches up to Monica only to have their legs collide. They tumble like clothes in the washing machine before crashing to the pavement.

I’m not going to step on anybody’s style here. Write how you want to write. But just know that you have the option to write complete sentences every once in awhile. And when you write them well, they can be quite pleasing! That doesn’t mean I’m giving you a green light to go prose-heavy. But go ahead and give us a beginning, a middle, and an end to a sentence every so often.

What does this have to do with The Claim? Well, Chazelle’s script does adopt that staccato writing style for the most part. And I get it. This is a thriller. I’m not saying what he’s doing is wrong. I suppose I’m just on the hunt for good-old fashioned REAL WRITING at the moment.

28 year old Harry Novak is trying to make ends meet as a mechanic but only barely getting by. And if it were only about him, he could handle the struggle. But he’s also got a 4 year old angel named Sophie he’s got to provide for. And he’s doing everything he can. In fact, when we meet him, he’s picking her up from swim practice.

When Harry and Sophie get home, Harry’s shocked to see that his place has been broken into. He looks around, however, and notices that not a single thing has been taken. Strangely, that makes the event even more terrifying.

When Harry gets a call for a quick shift change, he heads to work with his daughter, only for the car in front of him to stall. A huge bumper to bumper traffic jam follows. Luckily, being a mechanic, Harry’s able to fix the car quickly.

But when Harry looks back to his car, Sophie is GONE! He starts freaking out, but the cars start driving around him and there’s nothing he can do but head to the cops. They put an Amber Alert out for Sophie, and that’s when things get weird.

Within minutes, a family up in San Francisco calls to claim that this is THEIR baby who’s been missing for two years. The cops question Harry, who it turns out WAS up in San Francisco when this baby was abducted. Not only that, but Sophie’s mother (Harry’s ex) claims she has no idea who Harry is.

Harry’s able to escape custody and go on the run, where he searches for his daughter. What he finds out along the way is that this kidnapping goes far deeper than he could have ever imagined.

The Claim is fun. It really is. It’s the kind of script that readers like to read because there’s a new reveal or a new twist every 7-10 pages. Which gives it that roller coaster feel.

But here’s the most important thing Chazelle did to get this script noticed and it’s something all of you need to remember every time you write a screenplay. He adds a SECOND family claiming that the girl was kidnapped from them 2 years ago.  Now you don’t just have Liam Neeson chasing bad guys. You have a mystery. And not a simple one either. Who kidnapped Sophie? How is this other family in on it? Why isn’t Sophie’s mom (who Harry had her with) claiming to know who Harry is?

Any story where you can explore two genres at once (a thriller and a mystery) has the potential to be a lot more fun than your basic straight-forward genre tale.

But did Chazelle pull it off? For the most part, yes. I was unapologetically wrapped up in whether this San Francisco family really lost their child or if they were pulling a scam. And if they weren’t pulling a scam, then who orchestrated this kidnapping? And what did they want??

I do think Chazelle has a problem with something I call “Page Reality” though. Sometimes, a writer will take advantage of the fact that the reader can’t physically see the scene, and they’ll use that to cheat. So here, the critical scene has Harry helping fix this man’s car in front of him for 5 seconds. When he turns around, his daughter is no longer in her seat.

Now we’ve been told that this is a traffic jam and there are cars everywhere. How in the world does a man steal a child from a car in broad daylight during a traffic jam in under five seconds, and nobody sees it? It doesn’t make sense. And it’s a pristine example of a writer using the page to camouflage reality.

This was the same problem I had with Grand Piano. I read so many moments of that character texting where I was like, “There’s no way the audience can’t see this.” It drove me nuts.

The Claim isn’t perfect. It gets a little lost in its twists sometimes. It probably stays around longer than it should. But it’s the kind of script that’s hard to put down. And achieving that with any screenplay ain’t too shabby.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: “But what if I did this?” Every time you come up with a concept, particularly one that feels familiar or simplistic, you owe it to yourself to ask the question “But what if I did this?” a dozen or more times to see if there’s more you can do with the idea. Kidnapped girl scripts are a dime-a-dozen. Kidnapped girl scripts where a second couple is claiming that the daughter is theirs – we’ve never seen that before. That’s usually when you know you’ve got an idea. When you approach, “I don’t think I’ve seen that before” territory.

Genre: Comedy
Premise: In a world where every person gets one “do over” in their life, a “Do Over” consultant must use the power to go back in time and stop his ex-wife from getting married.
About: Today is a little different. I read this script for notes awhile back and really liked it. It’s rare I like a notes script enough to review it on the site, but this just so happens to be one of those occasions.
Writer: Angela Bourassa
Details: 95 pages

Adam Scott for Rick?

The cool thing about giving notes to Scriptshadow readers is that Scriptshadow readers are typically some of the most educated amateur screenwriters out there. These are writers who are serious about their craft. And for that reason, when they send me a script, it’s not some 150 page wandasaurus rex coming-of-age autobiography. These are educated writers with a strong understanding of how to tell a story.

With that said, one of the biggest problems I see with these scripts is inconsistency. The writer will nail a scene, then fail a scene. He’ll get one character perfect, but never develop another one. The script will pop in some sections, and deflate in others.

It’s rare that I get a script where I can honestly say the writer is ready to take the leap into the professional ranks. But today is one of those times. Now, if I’m being honest, I don’t know if it’s this script. I’ve had discssuions with Angela about the script’s issues, and I’ve even sent it to some of my contacts, who have the same issues – that the concept is a bit complicated and takes awhile to set up.

But, I believe this script shows that Angela is ready to play in the big leagues. And I’ll get into why after the summary.

“Do Over” takes place in a world exactly like our own, except for one difference. Everybody in the world gets one “do-over” during their lifetime. I’m sure we’ve all wanted one of these – an opportunity to erase a terrible life-ruining day and do it all over again.

But with that big of a decision and with the stakes that high, people can’t afford to screw up their do-over. That’s where Rick comes in. Rick is a do-over consultant. He helps people decide if the mistake they made that day is worth using a do-over for.

On the day we meet Rick, Rick learns from an old friend that his ex-wife, Sarah, got married THAT DAY. Depressed as all get-up, Rick gets black-out wasted, only to wake up in his apartment with a loud large folksy Minnesotan woman telling him to get dressed and get ready.

This is Connie. Connie, a friend of Sarah’s, tells Rick that she used her do-over last night to give him another shot at Sarah before she gets married. But there’s a catch. He has to bankroll her life-long dream to be a plus-sized model, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity she screwed up yesterday because of a number of factors. Her second shot at the audition is in 6 hours. It’s time to get going.

Rick spends the first part of the day trying to eject from this lunatic woman’s orbit, before realizing that the only way he’s finding out the location of his ex-wife’s wedding is through her. He reluctantly teams up with her, and the two experience a city-wide adventure, capped off by Rick’s big opportunity to get Sarah back. The question is: can changing one day really change your life?

Melissa McCarthy for Connie – duh

Do Over does a few things really well. The two main characters are great. And by that, I mean, they both stand out, particularly Connie, who’s probably the best female comedy character I’ve read, amateur or pro, in a year. It’s not just the characters as individuals though. It’s the way they contrast. It’s the way they play off each other. To Rick, Connie is a hideous creature who needs to be placed back in the zoo. To Connie, Rick is a capital “D” douchebag who needs to be yanked off the Douche Highway. This contrast and conflict makes the two irresistible to watch together.

The story itself is also very contained, lending itself perfectly to comedy. They get one day to both get their shit done, and time is always running out. Any time you write a comedy, it works best if the goal needs to be achieved immediately. It just puts the characters under more stress, and stress is a great way to squeeze comedy out of people. So short time frame plus fun characters plus tons of conflict between the leads – plus the fact that Angela’s just naturally funny – these are the things that made this script stand out.

Here’s the big problem with the script though, and something I’ve discussed with Angela. It partly goes back to what I was talking about the other day. This is a BROAD premise (there’s no such thing as getting a “do over”). So it requires the audience to make more of a leap to believe in what’s going on – something studios aren’t favoring at the moment. They want comedy premises that can exist in the real world.

But this isn’t the only problem. The premise here isn’t an easy one to explain. In fact, the first 20 pages of the script are dedicated to setting up the rules and backstory of the script. The first ten explains the do-over rules themselves and what Rick does. And then we need to explain how Connie met Rick last night, Connie’s extensive backstory, and what Connie needs help with today. It’s a long sequence of pure exposition followed by a long sequence of pure exposition, a double-death exposition sand trap.

It’s actually a testament to Angela that she’s still able to make the script work after that. I remember when I read the first act for the first time and I thought, “Jeez, this is a lot of information required to set up the story.” If I were a producer, I probably would’ve mentally given up on the script then. However, once that’s gone and we’re just following these two characters, the script becomes so charming and fun that you can’t believe how big of a 180 it’s pulled.

There’s definitely a lesson to be learned here, and one I think Angela would agree with. Overly complicated premises that require a lot of explanation are the mortal enemy of comedy. It’s pretty obvious why. They require you to reserve a large portion of your script just to explain what’s going on. If you’re funny, you can add little jokes to this explanation, but no matter how funny you are, you can’t mask the fact that you’re having to explain so much. So when you’re picking your next comedy script, take that into consideration. Simplicty goes a long way towards allowing you to focus on the comedy.

And with that, I turn to you, loyal Scriptshadow readers. I feel that once this script gets rolling, you see the talent on display. But I can’t shake the feeling that there’s a simpler way to explore this premise that would help this script go from good to great. Anyone have ideas on how to pull that off?

In the meantime, I’m including the script. And I’m encouraging those in the business to check out Do Over. Angela will be writing in the professional ranks within the next year or two, particularly with Hollywood’s increasing love affair for female-dominated comedies. Get her while you still can!

Script link: Do Over

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: The 3-Ply logline. Usually, a logline consists of two parts: the main character and the situation that character finds himself in. We can call this the 2-Ply approach. Here’s a 2-Ply logline for Taken:

(Ply 1) A former CIA agent (Ply 2) must find and save his teenage daughter when she’s kidnapped by a gang of ruthless criminals.

When you have a complicated world or idea that needs explaining, however, it forces your logline to become 3-Ply, since you now have to add a section where you explain the world. This makes the logline wordier and harder to digest. We can see this with Do Over.

(Ply 1) In a world where every person gets one “do over” in their life, (Ply 2) a “Do Over” consultant (Ply 3) must use the power to go back in time and stop his ex-wife’s wedding.

If you’re forced to write a 3-Ply logline, keep it as simple as possible. Don’t use a bunch of adjectives or tangents. Know that your logline is already a mouthful, and that keeping its pieces simple and to the point is the way to go. So, for example, this is how an inexperienced writer may write the logline for Do Over:

(Ply 1) In a world where every person gets one “do over” in their life, (Ply 2) a cocksure “Do Over” consultant who’s already used his own do-over (Ply 3) must count on the do-over of a random stranger he meets on a night of drinking to stop his ex-wife’s wedding, a stranger who’s going to make him jump through numerous hoops to get what he wants.

Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Drama/Crime-Thriller
Premise (from writer): When her older brother — a notorious NYC graffiti writer — is murdered, a teenaged fine arts student must infiltrate this underground world in order to find her brother’s killer.
Why You Should Read (from writer): The script takes place in NYC during the implementation of Mayor Guiliani’s infamous “broken window” theory. I hurried to get this draft done, as I feel it’s only gaining relevance given the current events. Graffiti’s a tough subject to crack (since most people see graf writers as nothing but vandals), but I tried to make the world as human as possible — through the eyes of a strong young woman. Think Point Break in the world of graffiti, with some freaking GIRL POWER!
Writer: ??
Details: 100 pages

Who says we don’t give high ratings to amateur screenplays on Scriptshadow? As long as you bring the goods, you’re going to get recognized. And Ivy brings the goods. Yet it almost wasn’t to be. Ivy went neck and neck with The Multiverse in last week’s amateur offerings and you guys know I prefer a good sci-fi premise to almost anything else. The Multiverse sounded like it could be the next Inception.

But there’s also something to be said for unique subject matter. When’s the last time you saw a movie about graffiti? Well, I guess there was Exit Through the Gift Shop, but that wasn’t so much a movie as it was a strange movie-docu hybrid. This is a straight up screenplay about the underworld of graffiti artists, seasoned inside a nice little murder-mystery. Let’s take a closer look.

The year is 1995. 18 year-old Ivy goes to a prestigious Michigan private school on an art scholarship. Ivy is extremely talented, but too shy about her work. She’s scared to put it out there for others to see, and it’s starting to take a toll on her education. Her professor tells her that if she doesn’t come out of her shell soon, she may not be here much longer.

Tragedy strikes when Ivy gets word that her older brother back in Brooklyn’s been murdered. When she heads home, we learn a little more about her background – abandoned by both their parents, the siblings leaned on one another to scrape by. It appears that since Ivy’s left, her bro, “Jocky,” has become quite the celebrity on the graffiti scene.

When she asks the cops what happened, they tell her, look, we can’t help you unless you help us. Get in with the graffiti gangs and sniff around, see if you can’t get us some names. It isn’t long before Ivy meets Sev, the 24 year-old reining graffiti king. Word on the street is that Sev killed someone a year ago for stepping on his territory. Could he have done the same to Jocky??

Ivy joins Sev’s gang and shows the kind of promise few graffiti artists do, and her and Sev get real close. The more she gets to know him, in fact, the more she questions whether he could have really killed her brother. But when Sev starts to suspect that Ivy may be working with the authorities, all bets are off, and Ivy may find out first hand what Sev is capable of.

If Ivy were graffiti art, it would definitely be the kind you’d stop and look at. However, the closer you looked, the more you’d see some rushed strokes, some clumsy color patterns. You’d take note of the artist though, and keep an eye out for more of their work.

One of the things I liked about Ivy was its attitude towards art. It reminded me a little bit of Dead Poet’s Society. Characters would routinely trumpet the importance of “letting go” and “breaking the rules.” That’s where all the best graffiti came from.

The problem with this is that Ivy doesn’t break any rules itself. It’s a straightforward setup. Ivy must figure out who killed her brother (goal). She gets in with a dangerous crowd (stakes). Her school is only giving her 30 days leave (urgency). Not that I see anything wrong with this. I love a well-structured screenplay and thought Ivy did a great job of it here. It was just funny that what the characters were saying didn’t match up with what the writer was doing.

But it does bring up an issue we don’t talk about enough. And that’s that, when you do stick to the rules, you have to camouflage them. If it’s too transparent that you’re hitting all the standard story beats, the story itself becomes transparent.

For instance, in an early scene where Ivy goes to her brother’s apartment, the cops knock on the door. They come in, discuss her brother for a minute or two, and then say, “We need you to infiltrate these graffiti gangs. Will you do it?” Now, this scene may need to happen to push the story forward, but that doesn’t mean you can just plop it in there with no finesse.

I mean a) why would they think some uppity private school girl would be able to infiltrate a dark dangerous graiffiti world that she didn’t even know about until today? And b) Where are the formalities involved in creating this operation? Police work has to be documented, it has to be approved. Yet here, apparently, two random cops can just be like, “Go infiltrate a gang,” and that’s that.

We needed more camouflage here. We needed the cops to have seen Ivy’s art to get the idea that she could impersonate a graffiti artist in the first place. We needed more formality than 2 minutes of conversation and “Go do something that could get you killed.” Sometimes, as writers, we’re so blinded by what needs to happen in our story, that we don’t think to ask, “Does this make sense?”

Your story has to be seamless, especially when in it’s in a construct where readers are predicting your beats before you write them. If you write a scene that screams: HERE’S A MAJOR STORY BEAT – you can bet that it will take them out of the story.

There were a couple of other rushed decisions at the end of the script too. A new character (and potential brother murderer), Oz, shows up with only 20 pages to go. Although we’d heard Oz’s name before, it wasn’t in any meaningful capacity. So to then make him a major character in the very last act is jarring.

This seems like it would be an easy fix though. Just make Oz more of a rival to Sev. Maybe Oz tags over some of Sev’s work, or challenges him on subway cars – anything to make him more of a presence earlier in the movie.

And finally (major spoiler), I didn’t like the absentee father coming back to save the day. The father had ONE SCENE previous to this, and all of a sudden he’s Superman, arriving at the last second to save the day. I like the IDEA of the father arcing, but once again, if you don’t put in the legwork earlier in the script (aka more than one scene with dad), it reads false.

But this is also an easy fix. When Ivy comes back to the Bronx, why can’t she have two goals? The primary one is to find her brother’s killer, of course. But the secondary goal (and major subplot of the film) is to reconnect with her father. Or at least find out why he left Ivy and her brother. That should give you a few more scenes between the two, and make the father’s arc more believable.

This may sound like a bunch of criticism, but actually, these problems I’m mentioning aren’t big at all. Most of Amateur Friday scripts need major overhauls. This just needs adjustments. Ivy was not only a fun script, but I could see it playing at Sundance. For that reason, it gets the first amateur “worth the read” of the year!

Script link: Ivy

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Camouflage. Camouflage your story beats, people. Think of it this way. Let’s say you want to hit on a girl. Do you walk up to the girl and say, “I’m hitting on you.” No, you walk up, ask her the time, what she’s doing here, what her name is. Hopefully a good conversation follows, and then you ask her her number.  You’re camouflaging your true intention. Same thing with story beats. You can’t have a cop say, “We need you to infiltrate a gang” out of nowhere. You have to build up the situation so that the statement becomes a natural extension of what’s come before.