Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: A bitter truce has been reached after an alien invasion. Fueled by suspicions of an alien spy in their ranks, the United Nations entrusts an agent with finding the mole.
About: This one finished Top 20 on the 2015 Black List and comes from a British writer who recently wrote a film for Paul Verhoeven to direct, titled, “Elle.” It follows the CEO of a gaming software company who is attacked in her home by an unknown assailant.
Writer: David Birke
Details: 117 pages – February 2015 draft

After coming out of yet another meeting last week where it was stressed to me the need for more biopics and true stories, I’m at my wits end. I’m trying not to sour on the format. But I’m just so sick of it! How many lives do we have to watch before somebody gives us an original idea with original execution????

With that said, I had one of those a-ha moments on the drive home about why biopics have become such a huge deal. About 7-8 years ago, the ultra-franchise was born, bringing with it, if not the extinction of the star-driven film, then at least the destruction of its infrastructure.

In this new world, stars were going to have to find a new way to survive. I mean, shit, we’re in a world where a Will Smith movie is now lucky to bring in 30 million bucks. Enter the biopic. It is the genre that studios still need big actors for, as those actors are the only way to sell the movie. I mean let’s be honest. No one’s going to see Joy if it stars, say, Selena Gomez.

Actors realized quickly that this was their ticket to keep being stars and to get paaaaaa-aaaid. And so the 50 biopics a year era was born.

Am I mad about this? No. I can’t be. I have too many places asking me for the next great biopic screenplay and/or true story. So I will have to keep reading them. But when I don’t have to read them, I will fight the good fight. Read scripts that contain some element of being born inside an imagination. And when I read the logline for today’s script, that’s exactly what I saw. The only question is whether the execution would match it. Let’s find out.

The year is 2037. A War of the Worlds-like alien attack has occurred and the planet has somehow neutralized the alien threat, although now we have a bunch of aliens lingering around, still pushing their agenda. The only difference is that instead of doing so through giant ships that shoot lasers, they’re doing it through espionage, developing human-alien hybrids that look and act exactly like humans, then using them as spies.

This is where our hero, Martin Webber, comes into play. Webber works for the world equivalent of the CIA or MI-6, and is an agent dedicated to neutralizing the alien presence. His job has gotten a lot tougher, though, as word’s come down that one of these secret alien-humans has infiltrated the agency. Webber, due to his no-nonsense approach, is chosen to smoke this person out, a guy or gal who goes by the code name, “Morningstar.”

Strangely enough, Webber doesn’t seem to be in that much of a hurry. He likes to hang out with his hot neighbor, Mia, and get to those pesky job requirements whenever he’s feeling up to it. This results in a very relaxed investigation that begins to indicate our mole is a lot closer to Webber than he may have thought. In the end, we find that the truce between us and these aliens is a lot more complicated than we could’ve imagined.

As I’ve said plenty of times before, if you’re going to write a sci-fi movie, particularly an alien invasion sci-fi movie, you want to look for a fresh way to tell the story. It’s why I liked Story of Your Life. It’s why I liked District 9. And that tradition continues with today’s script, Morningstar.

It’s no easy challenge though. The reason people do it the easy way isn’t because that’s the way it’s always been done, but because that’s the way that includes the most dramatic tension. The act of aliens invading offers all sorts of dramatic possibilities. If you’re coming into the mix after that, you’re going to have a hard time finding a story as cool. I mean, what’s more high-stakes than an alien invasion?

A good example of this problem played out in the development of World War Z. That film was based on a book that took place after the zombie outbreak was over. The story was more about the political machinations involved in figuring out what went wrong and who was responsible.

They wrote a few drafts with that approach – one of which I reviewed on the site – and there was a big problem. It wasn’t that interesting. So in the end, they caved and moved the story back into the actual zombie outbreak, resulting in a much more dramatically compelling film.

Suffice it to say, Morningstar hasn’t figured out how to solve this problem either. But that’s just the beginning of the script’s problems. Everything here is over-described, with 8-10 line description paragraphs being the norm. Goals aren’t highlighted properly, leaving us to go 20 pages at a time not really sure what the characters are trying to do. And there’s a whole lot of talking instead of doing, which is one of the worst mistakes you can make writing a screenplay. The whole script has the distinctive feel of being that person at the party who will talk for 30 minutes and after you walk away you realize he didn’t actually say anything.

A lot of this could’ve been solved by instituting a more focused lens. And focus starts with your action description. A lot of writers hear that you’re supposed to keep your paragraphs to 4 lines or less in a screenplay and don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, is it really that difficult to read 8 lines instead of 4?

If it’s good writing, it’s certainly not as big of a deal. But the main reason that writing sparsely is so important, is because it forces you to think about what you want to say. If you have unlimited lines, you’ll babble til you get to the point. But if you have three, it’s a lot like a tweet. You have to think about what it is you want to say and be concise about it. And when you do that, your sentences are always more impactful.

If Birke could’ve done that and then extrapolated that approach to his entire writing process, giving the script more focus and thrust (honestly, there was ZERO URGENCY in this story), I’m sure I would’ve enjoyed it more. But right now, it’s too vague, not enough happens, characters talk about insignificant things for far too long, and, worst of all, it’s not fun. This is an alien movie and there isn’t a single bit of fun in it. Even the grandfather of serious sci-fi, Blade Runner, had fun.

So I was really bummed out about this one. It was a cool premise with a lot of opportunity but it’s just not there yet.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: I know this relates more to my intro than it does the script, but it’s worth noting that if you’re going to write a biopic, the number of entries into that genre has skyrocketed, which means the only way you’re going to stand out is if you do something unique. Cradle-to-grave biopics should be your last option. Think like Sorkin and what he did with Jobs. Try something different. As someone who’s been reading a lot of biopics for my contest, most of them are boring simply because they’re the exact same thing over and over again. Good luck!

Christoph Waltz to play Jakob in “Jakob’s Wife” maybe??

Many of you have been asking me, “Yo, Crackpot Carson, when the fly-handle are you going to be dunzoes with your freakin’ contest, homie! If I woulda known I’d be on welfare before I got my contest results, I wouldn’t have paid the ridiculous entry fee!” Well, maybe not in those words. More like normal-world words. I’m not sure anyone’s used the word “dunzoes” since 2003, and I’m pretty sure the last one to use it was me. But you get the point.

The good news is, I’m almost dunzoes picking the top 25. And I’m reading every free second I get. If I’m in the line at In and Out, I’m reading. If I’m driving on a relatively empty highway, I’m reading. If I’m on the treadmill because I ate too much In and Out, I’m reading. If I’m in the hospital because I got in a car accident, I’m having the nurse read to me (note to all: Do not ask nurses if a script has enough GSU. Apparently that means something very different in hospital-speak – p.s. I’m talking about ass-stuff). So while I can’t offer you a delicious helping of my special 25 sauce, I can give you 10 scripts that almost made the cut.

The reasons for why these scripts didn’t make the cut are varied. But the general assessment is that there have been no perfect scripts in the contest. So the scripts that have gotten through are ones that have had a lot more good than bad. These “almost” scripts are ones that maybe had 60-70% good, as opposed to the 80-90% required to make the finals.

What’s great about the below scripts, though, is that either they or the writer have potential. With guidance, who knows? Maybe we’ll even review some for Amateur Friday to get the writers some feedback.

As for the scripts that didn’t make today’s cut, the number 1 reason was lack of originality. It’s been one script after another with me going, “Already seen it.” I don’t get the sense that the writers are trying or that they understand the value of being unique in a medium that’s deluged with sameness. So, here are 10 Scriptshadow 250 “Almosts.” I’ll leave it up to the writers in the comments section on whether they want to post links to their scripts. Enjoy!

Title: Legendaria
Writer: Ben Baker
Genre: Fantasy, Family, Adventure
Logline: After being magically transported into the world of a fantasy role-playing game, a nerdy middle schooler and his friends must finish the game’s quest and defeat an evil sorcerer to get back home.
Notes: This was pretty good. Sweet, innocent, marketable, a Zathura-type premise. Kinda funny in a mainstream way. The only question is: Is it too simple? Does this writer have Harry Potter type imagination? Either way, it’s a super easy reading style and the kind of story that makes you feel good.

Title: The Value of Perception
Writer: Skye Lynch
Genre: Mystery/Heist
Logline: The sudden and mysterious death of her grandfather leads a young art historian to uncover the largest art heist in history. But in order to bring the thieves to justice, she must trust a man she barely knows and steal a painting from one of the most prestigious museums in the world.
Notes: The writing here is strong and this one started out with a head of steam, building a lot of mystery. However, once she actually gets into the investigation, things start getting a little repetitive and/or predictable. Stopped feeling fresh. That tends to happen a lot when you move into these investigative-type stories. You need to stray from the formula at some point since the blueprint is so familiar to the audience.

Title: Jakob’s Wife
Writer: Mark Steensland
Genre: Horror/Drama
Logline: In order to make his wife human again, an aging Episcopalian minister must hunt down and kill the vampire who bit her.
Notes: There is certainly something here, a sort of more-serious “Hobo with a Shotgun” vibe, mixed with a taste of Let the Right One In. My worry is that, “Is it too minimalist?” That could be. But the writer definitely writes with assuredness and seems to know what he’s doing. I just wish there was more going on.

Title: My Two Cents
Writer: Magnus Ronningen
Logline: When a grumpy, computer-illiterate, 85 year old widower accidentally becomes America’s most famous blogger, he must quickly learn to navigate the terrifying jungle of modern communication, or risk realizing his worst nightmare: being remembered as a joke.
Notes: This script has the second funniest scene I read in the contest. Without going into too much detail, an old man gets into an online fight with someone named “Cock,” then calls the guy out and says he wants to deal with this in person, like people used to. “Cock” agrees to meet at a San Francisco Park, where the Old Man charges around demanding “Cock” as loud as possible (“Sir, are you okay?” “I’m here for cock!”). It’s so juvenile and yet I couldn’t stop laughing. There are more of those laughs here. The problem with My Two Cents is it has ZERO STORY to speak of. As in I couldn’t locate a single plot thread. It was just this old man being confused with computers. Still, it was funny stuff.

Title: Ladybug
Writer: Alex Cope
Genre: High School / Monster Movie
Logline: An insecure teenager bitten by a strange bug finds that she is transforming into a giant insect and struggles to hide it from her friends and family.
Notes: This script’s heart is in the right place. And it achieves the necessary “weirdness” factor required to pull a Black List placement. I’m just not sure it’s firing on all cylinders. This is an ambitious premise and those require spot-on (no pun intended) execution. The whole time I was thinking, “This just isn’t reaching the execution level that the premise promises.” Still, it was good enough for me to remember in a sea of scripts. That shouldn’t be discounted.

Title: Intelligent Design
Writer: Brian Kazmarck
Genre: Gothic Horror/Sci-fi
Logline: A grisly vampire-like murder sends an NYC Detective in way over his head when he suspects that the culprit he’s after might actually be a real vampire.
Notes: This one has… something. Like most scripts here, though, it feels a little messy. Some writers seem to get lost in the details of their world. You’ve created a cool world. That’s great. But you need to tell the story. You need to move things along. This is a movie, not a novel. Writers always forget that. You don’t want readers giving up on your script cause they’re having to move through a molasses-level heap of description. With that said, this is a cool premise and I could totally see it being a movie with a leaner more “get-to-the-point” approach.

Title: A Wretch Like Me
Writer: Justin DiSandro
Logline: A horribly despicable selfish drug runner finds himself in a situation where he must help someone else. Will he?
Notes: The writer attempts to do something unique. Create the most unlikable character possible, place him in a situation where he must help someone, then attempt to change our perception of the man so that we’re rooting for him. This kind of thing has been done a few times before, but it’s really hard to get right. I admire that Justin committed to making this guy a total bastard. And I loved the simplicity of the story. But in the end it’s hard for me to change my mind about someone. And I disliked this character so much, I simply couldn’t come around in the end. With that said, Justin’s a writer to watch out for.

Title: The Operator
Writer: Huey Q. Pham
Genre: Action
Logline: After joining an elite counter terrorism unit in the CIA, a female Army combat veteran struggles to step out of the shadow of her deceased Navy Seal father while hunting a terrorist mastermind bent on avenging the death of his family.
Notes: One of the strongest female roles in the entire contest, and with female parts so big these days, that’s a smart choice by the writer. The problem is the same problem that plagues practically EVERY script I read with the acronym “CIA,” “DEA,” “FBI,” “NSA” or any other military acronym. They always devolve into generic story tropes. It’s so disappointing because the female character here was so good. My advice to writers going forward. If you’re going to write one of these movies, TRY TO BE ORIGINAL. We’ve seen every type of “man/woman with a gun” premise there is. What fresh element are you bringing to the table??

Title: Itchy Feet
Writer: Ian Bradley
Genre: Comedy
Logline: After a South African holiday goes hilariously wrong, two friends decide to make their way home to England – by driving up through the African continent.
Notes: This writer is really green. Script is 134 pages. Scenes go on for 3-4 beats longer than they should. But he’s got comedy dialogue down. It sucks that you can’t reward this because in addition to his knack for comedy, he’s given us a movie we’ve never seen before. How often does that happen? But this writer needs to learn how to focus his story (outline, only write the scenes you need, get into every scene late and out of every scene early) as well as get a few scripts under his belt. Potential is great but you need to learn the nuances of the craft before they’ll let you in the door.

Title: Hobgoblin
Writer: Bernard Kenney
Genre: Fantasy Action-Adventure
Logline: A dark retelling of the pagan, gnostic warlock Robin Goodfellow and his band of heathen Merry Men who fight against the onslaught of Christendom, in the form of the strong-arm of the Vatican’s Grand Inquisitor who aligns himself with the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Notes: This script lives on the edge between “same but different” and “too weird,” and honestly, I keep going back and forth between where it belongs. It’s got a really cool religious-nut villain. It’s got some fun set-piece scenes. And let’s not forget how much Hollywood loves these reimaginings. But the script feels too dense at times, too riddled with exposition. I kept feeling like the script needed to breathe and the writer was constricting it. Sometimes you have to move those eyes down the page faster. This is inventive and has potential, but wasn’t all the way there for me.

And there you have it. Congrats to all these writers. And I hope the notes I included help the writers in the next draft! ☺

As I was combing through all the amateur scripts I read this year to come up with this list, I realized I was looking at scripts in a way I rarely do. As a distant memory. Which led to an unexpected question: What did I remember about the script? Was it amazing, terrible, strange, not bad but had potential? Or was it the word which shall never be mentioned in screenwriting circles? Was it… forgettable? In the case of half these scripts, I didn’t remember a single thing about them.

I bring this up because I want you to imagine someone coming across your script four months after they’ve read it. What would they remember? If your idea is similar to a lot of other ideas, if your characters are, for the most part, like every other character we’ve seen in films, or if you’ve given us nothing new or different, there’s a good chance your script won’t be remembered at all. To that end, I challenge you to write the “Instantly Remembered After 4 Months” script. You should either have a big idea, take lots of chances, have a really unique voice, or create an eccentric unique character.

Nearly all of my Top 10 list from yesterday falls into this category, but I’ll give you another example from a script I actually didn’t like. It was an amateur script I reviewed called Game of 72. I didn’t like it, but as soon as I saw the post, I remembered everything about it. That’s because the writer took chances and had a unique voice. The same holds true for The Libertine. Hated it. But I’ll never forget it. The point is, it’s better to write something people remember, even if they don’t like it, than something safe that people won’t remember at all. And achieving that usually comes down to taking chances.

Below are my Top 10 Amateur Reads of the year. They came from Amateur Friday, script consultations, and scripts that landed in my hands one way or another. Take note that there are no Scriptshadow 250 scripts in here. That will all be separate. Ready? Here we go!

Number 10
Title: Insatiable
Logline: When a law student’s girlfriend mysteriously vanishes from a truck stop diner, he suspects a shady trucker is to blame. But as he races to save her life, he discovers that the only thing more terrifying than her captors is the reason she was taken.
Writer: Michael Morra

I believe that one day, Michael Morra will be writing horror movies that we plop down good money for. I’ve read three of his scripts now, and they all show a technical skill way beyond the average amateur. If Insatiable has a flaw, it’s that it’s too familiar. And that may be an area where Morra wants to push himself in the future. Even so, this script starts big and doesn’t let go. For those of you who love a good creature feature, you’ll want to check Insatiable out.

Script link: Insatiable

Number 9
Title: The Runner
Logline: Back-stabbed by his employer and marooned in Mexico, a tough, drug-running pilot struggles to fly himself and the family that rescued him back to America alive.
Writer: Jeffrey Doka

The Runner feels like one of those easy-going 70s-style movies someone like Sean Penn or George Clooney would like to make. Pair one of them up with a European director who hates Taken-obsessed Hollywood and you may have yourself a movie package. I didn’t fall in love with The Runner, but both times I read it, there felt like there was something there, both in the story and the writer. I feel like a good producer could guide this into something with a little more punch, while keeping its European-style roots firmly in place.

Script link: The Runner

Number 8
Title: Damn Nation
Logline: Five years after a vampiric plague has overrun the United States, a Special Ops unit from London is sent back into the heart of the US in an attempt to find the cure.
Writer: Adam Wax (Based on the comic, “Damn Nation,” written by Andrew Cosby and illustrated by J. Alexander)

More than any other script on this list, Damn Nation screams “movie.” It helps that it’s based off some high quality illustration work by J. Alexander, but there’re more to Damn Nation than studio dollar signs. The story has some nice plot twists, and the characters feel like newer upgraded versions of their 80s and 90s inspirations. Damn Nation also happened to be one of the most controversial entries of Amateur Friday, due to some believing the script was a straight copy and paste job from the comic book. My take? If turning a comic like Damn Nation into the page turner we get here is that easy, studios wouldn’t hire writers, they’d hire typists. But I’m sure the controversy will live on!

Script link: Damn Nation

Number 7
Title: Ivy
Logline: When her older brother — a notorious NYC graffiti writer — is murdered, a teenaged fine arts student must infiltrate this underground world in order to find her brother’s killer.
Writer: Mystery Writer!

The funny thing about Ivy is it’s a movie I’d never see. But that’s when you know a script is good – when it’s keeping you invested despite the fact that you’re not interested in the genre. The target crowd here is teenagers, and Ivy builds an exciting story for that demo based around infiltrating a dangerous graffiti gang. It’s like Veronica Mars meets Save the Last Dance meets Step Up, but actually done well. If you’re a producer trying to tap into this demo, you’ll definitely want to check Ivy out.

Script link: Ivy

Number 6
Title: Time Upon a Once
Logline: A film crew follows a medieval servant as she searches for the princess who can save a cursed prince — a prince she secretly loves herself.
Writer: Angelo Campos

Don’t bother looking for this one on the site. It came to me via a consultation. Easily one of the more inventive scripts I read all year, Time Upon a Once reminded me of a cross between Enchanted and What We Do In The Shadows. What I liked most about the script is how much it turned clichés on their head (for example, instead of a princess that needed to be kissed, it was a prince). Usually mockumentary scripts turn out awful. The writer’s over-reliance on the interview cutaway becomes a death trap of “cutting to an annoyed face for the 30th time isn’t funny!” But Angelo is more interested in telling a story here, and that’s what sets this apart from the rest.

Script link: Contact Angelo at angeloxcampos@gmail.com

Number 5
Title: Wars of Eternal Spring
Logline: A rebellious-minded woman in ancient China seeks the help of Shaolin to save her village from a love-obsessed General and his bloodthirsty Captain.
Writer: Elizabeth Barilleaux

When I started today’s post, I talked about memory – what comes into your mind the moment you think of a script. With Eternal Spring it’s “beauty.” I remember, more than any other script, feeling transported to this time and place. And the reason Elizabeth was able to achieve this was because she is obsessed with every word she writes. You can tell she’s thought about how each word will affect the reader. The story itself feels like a cross between Crouching Tiger and Braveheart. The only reason this didn’t finish higher is because it’s not really my thing. Add a few jedis and then we’d be talking. But even Force-less, Eternal Spring is a force to be reckoned with.

Script link: Wars of Eternal Spring

Number 4
Title: Unlawful
Logline: A troubled detective operates outside the law when he buys an underage prostitute to perform “favors.” But when a 16-year-old girl goes missing and he must use her diary to reconstruct the events that led to her disappearance, an unimaginable truth emerges.
Writer: Carver Gray

Reviewed back in June on the site, Unlawful would later go on to make The Blood List and The Hit List. And I’m not the least bit surprised. Carver understands that if you’re going to do dark thrillers, YOU HAVE TO GO DARK. You can’t go PG-13-dark or repackage the dark from previous thrillers. Carver goes full-on with his tortured drug-abused hero and doesn’t let up until the last page. Not to mention this is a mystery that will keep you guessing. Congrats to Carver on all his success!

Script link: Unlawful

Number 3
Title: Shelby
Logline: Shelby, a 40-something woman still trying to figure out how to be an adult, heads back to her hometown where she finds herself regressing even further into her juvenile tendencies.
Writer: Beth Rigazio

I’m going to get pummeled for this but I don’t care. Rigazio has some produced credits. But they’re from so long ago that I feel like she has to hustle as hard as everyone else on this list. And I’m not sure anyone’s going to find out about this script otherwise. The reason this screenplay made the list is simple: Shelby Wood. Shelby is one of the top 5 characters I’ve read all year. You WILL NOT forget this character, I promise you. Rigazio has sort of a Diablo Cody voice going for her, but where Cody has limits, Rigazio is just getting started. Take, for example, our 45 year old female hero starting a sexual relationship with a 15 year old. I mean, it gets dark. But the thing is, you NEVER STOP LAUGHING. It’s clear that Rigazio knows Shelby inside and out, and that’s what makes this script unforgettable.

Script link: Contact Beth Rigazio at bethrigazio@gmail.com

Number 2
Title: The Only Lemon Tree on Mars
Logline: When recent, inter-global events threaten to disrupt the idyllic life on the first Mars Colony, a woman with a secret to hide must do all that she can to prevent neighbors in her small town from taking up arms against each other.
Writer: Chad Rouch

There are some scripts that stay with you. You find yourself periodically remembering them, like a good vacation or an old friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile. The Only Lemon Tree on Mars is one of those scripts for me. Maybe it’s the title, which is so original, you instantly remember the screenplay when you read it (never forget the power of a unique title!). Or maybe it’s Rouch’s deft ability to paint this struggling alien planet a billion miles away in a way we haven’t seen before. I think that’s the key. This isn’t The Martian. It’s much deeper. There’s a lot more going on. And while it’s not perfect (the ending needs to be bigger), I would love to see what happens after Rouch goes through a couple of rewrites and really irons out the wrinkles. This was the nicest Amateur Friday surprise of the year.

Script link: The Only Lemon Tree on Mars

Number 1!!!
Title: Sonata
Logline: After a genius self-destructive orchestra conductor falls from grace, he sees his way back to the top in an inner-city teenage girl with more musical talent than anyone he’s ever met.
Writer: James Thoo

Every year, Sundance celebrates one music-focused feature. I have no doubt that Sonata will one day be that feature. It’s just too darned good. James writes his main character, William Garland, as a smarter-than-everyone-in-the-room alcoholic, drug-addict, prostitute addict mess of a man who you could imagine a young Paul Newman playing. This man’s version of Trainwreck would make Amy Schumer look like Thomas the Train. So when he’s scraping the bottom of the barrel, ordering his umpteenth whiskey shot at the bar, and he hears the most beautiful soulful voice he’s ever heard outside, free-styling with some random homeless guy, you know you’re in for one hell of a ride. I’ve always been a sucker for heavily contrasting main characters, and a classically trained 40-something white orchestra conductor teaming up with a 14 year old black inner city girl is about as contrasting as you can get. I see this as the next Hustle & Flow. I absolutely loved this script.

Script link: Contact James here. jamesthoo@googlemail.com

That’s it ya’ll! I’m down for the count. See ya in the new year!!!!!

Please get me out of this movie!

I don’t like trashing movies. I really don’t. By and large, Hollywood is a place where people love movies and are doing their best to make good ones. “Nobody sets out to make a piece of shit,” some producer once said. And so you don’t want to trash someone who tried like hell and just couldn’t get it poppin. However, there are instances where people who don’t value the opportunity they’ve been given get to make films, or times where ego dictates a film getting made, or where the almighty dollar becomes more important to the studio than making a good movie. And in those cases, I think it’s okay to call the movie out. Almost every movie on my Worst Of List falls into one of these three categories. So yeah, I’m going to vent a little bit here. But in order to give the post some value, I’ll throw in a few screenwriting lessons along the way. Let’s get started, shall we?

10) Jupiter Ascending – Calling the Wachowskis misguided at this point doesn’t do their status justice. Sure, the two are the original imagine dragons and they possess spoon-bending directing skills. But they’re stuck in “M. Night Shalaman Land,” unable to realize how badly their writing is screwing up their movies. Jupiter Ascending is a classic case of writers trying to cram way too much story into their script. George Lucas had to come to terms with this with the original Star Wars, which was supposed to have most of the stuff that ended up in Empire and Jedi. He finally relented, realizing it was too much story to tell, and focused on a more contained version of the story (by the way, there isn’t a sci-fi adventure script I’ve read that didn’t have too much story in its first few drafts). What that script gained in the process was urgency – becoming one of the greatest chase films of all time. Jupiter Ascending, with its bulky and bloated plotting, was the antithesis of this, a lumbering leviathan, and a lesson to all aspiring screenwriters to KEEP YOUR STORIES LEAN!

9) Knock Knock – Maybe it’s serendipitous that our number nine slot involves the actor who helped bring the Wachowskis into the public spotlight. This one really hurts though. For like two seconds, Keanu Reeves was cool again. John Wick brought the “Whoa” back. Which meant we could look forward to a Keanu who would receive better scripts, get better offers, and reclaim his spot on the A-list. Except Knock Knock. Who’s there? Eli Roth. If there is a working director with a bigger name who is less talented than Eli Roth, I’d like to know who he is. Knock Knock takes a somewhat interesting premise – a married man who lets two stranded trouble-making teens into his home while his family is out of town – then writes half a screenplay out of it. That’s right. Knock Knock runs out of story 60 minutes through. The whole idea with a premise like this is you make it a one-night ordeal – a series of escalating problems that climax before daylight. Yet Roth and his writing crew inexplicably send the girls home the next morning, only to have them show up a day later to, I guess, inflict more pain on Keanu. Except by that point, ALL THE TENSION IS GONE, leaving us confused as to what the point of the story was anymore. The screenwriting tip on this one is pretty obvious. Once all the air is let out of the balloon, you can’t blow it back up again.

8) Man From U.N.C.L.E. – This was the most bizarre movie experience I had all year. I have never seen a movie with more beautiful cinematography and more talented directing come across so dead on the screen. It didn’t help that everybody in the film looked like they’d just smoked a pound of herb! Oh, and that Henry Cavill and Armie Hammer have the collective personality quotient of a monk at a hospice center. Luckily, not many people had to suffer from these performances since THIS MOVIE HAD THE WORST TITLE OF THE DECADE and therefore NO ONE SHOWED UP!!!! Okay, just work with me for a second on this. You’re John Smith living in Minnesota and you want to see a movie this weekend. I tell you the movie, “Man from U.N.C.L.E.” is playing. What do you think the chances are of him having any idea what the movie is about from that title? I’ll give you a hint. NEGATIVE 9 BILLION PERCENT! But for shits and giggles, let’s let him watch the trailer. That should make things clearer right? Um… sorta? It seems to be a buddy cop movie set in the 1960s? And one of the guys is Russian (when has a movie that featured a Russian accent in one of the main roles EVER done well in America????)? And they’re trying to stop something? And what do you tell your friend John when he asks why “uncle” has a bunch of periods inserted into it? I have no idea why anybody thought this movie had a Jawa’s chance in the Sarlac Pitt of doing well. Screenwriting lesson: Make sure your title helps sell your movie!

7) Entourage – This one seems like easy pickens. But it’s on the list because it’s bad in a way that none of the other movies are bad. It’s bad because it’s empty. More than all of the other entries, Entourage has the least story to tell. Indeed, when the end credits roll, it seems like we’ve been watching for 30 minutes. Vince (the lead character) directing a movie is supposed to be the “big hook” that makes this Entourage story worthy of feature-status. But Entourage the Movie is an example of why some stories are best kept on the small screen. Entourage has always been about the dialogue and the interaction between its lively group of characters. What it never purported to have was STAKES. You never felt like if the characters failed that anything bad would happen to them. And since movies are one event (as opposed to 100), the stakes need to be giant in them. Since Entourage had never operated in that arena before, it didn’t know what to do when given that mandate. And, oh yeah, since we were talking about Mary Sues the other day, isn’t Vince the biggest Mary Sue in the history of television? No movie felt like it had robbed me of my money more than this one.

6) Mississippi Grind – No film implored me to want to scrape my eyeballs out with rusty sporks in 2015 more than Mississippi Freaking Grind. I consider the hack that got Mississippi Grind made one of the industries biggest issues, and a loophole that bad writer/directors will continue to exploit if financiers don’t stop funding these. Basically, what you do is you write a non-story that centers around two miserable characters. Actors love playing miserable characters! So even though the story sucks balls, they sign on. And once you have known actors, you can get funding. And hence Mississippi Grind gets made. But the ridiculousness doesn’t stop there. Critics typically give these movies high marks because they’re different from Hollywood flicks and there’s at least one good performance. These factors help mask the fact that movies like Mississippi Grind are absolutely awful. Nothing happens in this fucking movie!!!! Two people gamble and talk and wallow in misery. FOR FUCKING TWO HOURS!!!!! There is never a point to any of it. These self-indulgent pretentious exercises in filmmaker masturbation do nothing other than convince a few poor souls to mistakenly lay down $5.99 for an Itunes rental. A mistake, I’m ashamed to admit, I made. I should’ve known better.

5) Fantastic Four – I know. Another gimme. We all heard about what happened. The director stayed in his trailer half the shoot, preferring to snort lines instead of help his actors read them. He’d get kicked off directing duties for a future Star Wars movie as a result (thank God!). They needed to bring in other directors to try and save the film. It was a mess. But movies have been saved from doom before. Maybe Fantastic Four could do the same? I’m afraid not, my friends. My best guess, from watching the film, is that the only stuff director Josh Trank shot before he went crazy was the first act. Because that’s all this movie is! One giant first act. I can’t tell you how many scenes there were of people in labs or on computers “researching things.” In a typical Hollywood blockbuster, those shots would’ve been relegated to a 60 second montage. Here they’re the main souce of plot for an entire hour! At a certain point it became a game of “How many computer generated DNA strands can characters look at in a single film?” Then, when we FINALLY get to the point where they go to the “other dimension” that they’ve spent 90 minutes researching, it’s a terribly composited incredibly ugly half-CGI empty moon-like surface. THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS WHOLE TIME???? TO COME HERE??? This movie probably would’ve finished higher on this list if I didn’t feel so bad for all the people who had to work on it.

4) Terminator: Genisys – Here’s some advice for Hollywood studios. Do not, under any circumstances, deliberately spell a word wrong in your sci-fi title. It is a guarantee that your movie will suck. I’m serious. Star Wars was not spelled, “Star Warz.” Or “Starr Worrz.” Is there any person on this planet who didn’t know this movie was going to be terrible as soon as they saw this misspelled title? And yet still, after lowering the bar that much, Terminator: Genisys still somehow managed to disappoint us. As I’ve always said on this site, if you’re going to do time travel, KEEP IT SIMPLE. Time travel is inherently confusing. Trying to mash multiple time-jumping storylines together is a recipe for movie suckage. To me though, it comes down to this director. Here’s a guy who took one of the most iconic scenes in science-fiction history, the naked Terminator walking up to a gang of punks and demanding their clothes, and changed the haircuts of the punks (from blue spiked hair to black normal hair and from a short cut to a green mohawk) because he “felt like it.” Any director who doesn’t understand why you don’t change the hair of the characters in that scene SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO FUCKING DIRECT THE MOVIE. What’s interesting about this film is that it was casting at the exact same time as The Force Awakens, and each production was fighting over the same actors. I can only imagine if JJ Abrams would’ve brought Emilia Clarke into the Star Wars universe. His pitch would’ve been so simple: “Come with me if you want your career to live.”

3) American Ultra – American Ultra puts every rant Max Landis has made on Youtube and Twitter into question. If he thinks this movie is good writing? I don’t think you can trust anything the guy says, whether it be about Mary Sues or lookie loos or piles of doo-doos. I can’t remember the last time a movie has made me hate its main characters so quickly. Our “hero” is a loser who smokes pot all day (why do I get the feeling this “trait” was based off of someone the writer knew?), refuses to do anything, doesn’t try to make his life better, whines all the time, and is generally a miserable worthless human being who has no interest in bettering his life. His girlfriend isn’t much better. She ALSO smokes pot all day, stays in like her boyfriend, gets pissed when her boyfriend doesn’t want to do anything, and is generally a humorless annoying excuse for a human being. THESE ARE OUR HEROES!!!!! What Max Landis doesn’t realize is that nothing he writes after he’s introduced us to these two people matters. It doesn’t matter if our protagonist all of a sudden gains Jason Bourne like powers. BECAUSE WE HATE HIM! A script can recover from a morally questionable character introduction. But it CANNOT RECOVER from a character the audience detests to the very core. But even if Landis managed to get that right, this is still a confused premise that’s only celebrated at 3 in the morning after everyone’s too trashed and too high to know a good idea from a bad one. “Like, he’s a stoner, who’s also, like, Jason Bourne. Wouldn’t that be awesome?” “Yeah dude. Max, you should totally write that.” “I can probably belt out a first draft by breakfast.” “Can I play the dealer?”

2) Aloha – This is the most significant of the movies I’ve put on this list because when I first reviewed this script, which was beyond awful, I got a call from one of the producers of the film chastising me for reviewing an early draft of the script (strangely enough, I kid you not, the final draft of the script added a major villain character named, “Carson”). Yet I knew, just knew, that there was no way this could ever become a good script. And it wasn’t because of the writer. This is Cameron fucking Crowe we’re talking about here, writer of Jerry Maguire and Say Anything! But the premise was so confused, so unsure of itself, that rewriting it was be akin to reorganizing the sheet music on a Nickleback song. Let this be a warning to all of you that if your concept is flawed from the beginning, there’s no way to save it. You can’t rewrite something that never had legs to stand on in the first place. And I know you’re all wondering, “How do you know if your concept is flawed?” There’s no universal answer to that other than GET FEEDBACK. If people look confused when you pitch them your idea? Or if you get a lot of polite observations that the concept is kind of hard to wrap their head around? That’s usually an indicator that your concept doesn’t work. In this case, it was that the concept was unfocused. There was no clear unifying idea, like in, say, Jerry Maguire: “A top sports agent must start back at the bottom after being excised from the biggest sports agency in the world.” What’s the unifying concept in Aloha? “A pilot comes to Hawaii to make sure a satellite launch goes well to stave off a rival Chinese company while rekindling two separate love interests and keeping the local Hawaiian government at bay?” I think some writers assume they can write their way out of a sloppy concept. It never happens.

1) Big Game – We’ll finish this list on a lighter note. I did not hate this movie. But it is unquestionably the worst movie of the year. The plot plays out like a bad 1980s Sylvester Stallone movie. The dialogue is so on-the-nose, you leave each line with a fresh blackhead. The characters are so over-the-top, you wonder how they keep climbing back onto your side. Just the premise alone – a stumbling-over-his-lines Samuel Jackson as president gets teamed with an Inuit boy who uses his hunting skills to help the president evade a Middle Eastern terrorist who doesn’t just want to kill the president, but hunt him down like a wild animal – is so bizarrely conceived you’re wondering if this is one of those MTV Movie Award comedy promos where someone’s decided to use the leftover footage and try and turn it into a feature. I was so fascinated by this awful collection of ideas, I went looking for more info on the film, and only then did the picture become clearer. The director is a Finnish guy from Helsinki who had, up until this point, only directed short films. I began to imagine a backstory for this man, one similar to the family in The Wolfpack, where he’d been chained to his bed-post growing up solely on a diet of cheesy 1980s action movies. What I’m about to say next is going to sound preposterous. But I swear to you I believe it’s true. I think this script was originally written in Finnish and the director simply put it through Google translate to get the script we see now. Like that’s how wonky this movie is. I cannot believe that this movie exists. I just can’t!

Tuesday is Best Movies of 2015!
Wednesday is Best Amateur Scripts of 2015!

Absolutely LOVED Force Awakens!!!

I fucking love you!

Kylo Ren best film villain of the past decade. Rey was better than Luke Skywalker in Ep IV. BB-8 somehow made me forget 3PO and R2. Finn was huge disappointment. Like almost as badly conceived as Queen Amidala. That was the only major misstep.

For those saying this was a copy-cat job don’t realize how much JJ and Kasdan actually did here. Was expecting a terrible script based on reviews. This was deft screenwriting here. One major non-spoiler gripe. But you’ll have to wait til Monday for my screenplay-centric review!

In the meantime, feel free to discuss the movie in this thread. Please be considerate and put, in capital letters, “SPOILER” above all spoilers. If you do not include that word, we will consider what you’re saying to be spoiler free.